Partner doesn't look forward

[Summerluvin1]

Been with my partner 19 years, 3 wonderful children and nice house, modest lifestyle. We went for a coffee this morning as he had the morning off work and were talking about him having a vasectomy (hes 42) and he didn't seem keen, which I understand no bloke really wants to have it. However, I was under the impression we had finished our family. I said to him the only way you would want to not have a vastectomy is if we were to split up and you were to have more children in the future, is that something that you would want? If so, do not have it. He then replied with, I don't really look to the future. I don't look forward to anything. Obviously this surprised me and I said, are you happy? And he said, yes, but I just don't look forward to the future, because there's always downsides to everything. He is quite a pessimistic person and always has been but I find it a little worrying that that this is how his mind works. It also makes me feel a bit rubbish because I am a big part of his life. So maybe he is not truly happy, but he states that he is. A couple of other things I have been thinking about since our conversation this morning is how he has never proposed. But again he states, there is no point as we could never afford a wedding, which is true. But I think sometimes it's nice to at least be proposed to, so i myself have the reassurance he wants to be with me. He states he is happy with our children and our life and he has lots to be grateful for but he also mentioned a lot about work and how he is relied on heavily, and that he doesn't get much enjoyment out of life, which, again, has really upset me, actually. He is also a probable undiagnosed autistic which I'm unsure has anything to do with this, but maybe it's that way of thinking for some people. I'm going to talk to him about it again tonight, but it's left me feeling a bit wobbly about our future. Has anyone experienced this? Any reassurance?

That's not the only reason he wouldn't want a vasectomy. He could be scared and worried about long term pain, an invasive operation on his genitals etc. It sounds like you were trying to tell him what he wanted rather than listen to what he wants

Him saying that he's not having much enjoyment out of life suggests he might be depressed. He's talking about being under pressure and stress at work. But saying it upset you, rather than you listening to his concerns isn't great. He should be able to really talk to you about how he's feeling without you making it about how you feel

I have no intention of ever having anymore children but also have no intention of being sterilised.

When you’re in the trenches, so to speak, with children it does feel like there’s no end in sight to the hard slog. I wouldn’t take his comments to heart. If you’ve been married so long surely this is no great surprise. If he’s autistic it makes sense. He so t be experiencing life and its nuances like you.

As an aside, are you financially vulnerable in the event of separation, or if your dp were to die? Especially with regard to the house / pension / etc. I think with children in the mix, marriage or civil partnership is a good way to ensure financial security. I think it doesn’t necessarily cost much to do it more as an ‘admin’ type thing, with a few witnesses, rather than a massive do. Might be worth considering. And it could still be a lovely event.

He's never proposed on the basis of cost? It's chips if you go to a registry office. That's not a good enough 'excuse'.

I feel for you, as this all sounds very deflating - but he's not suddenly changed his personality after 19 years has he? This has always been it, hasn't it?

I know you're confused, but I am also fairly confused.

Thank you for the reality check. We do have fun times together, I shouldn't take it so personally but I have.

He's a very shy person and marriage has always been something he would like but the idea of a wedding fills him with dread. We could get married abroad with no fuss but I have to be engaged for that!

I just find the nothing to look forward to concerning

You don't have to be engaged to get married anywhere. Provided you have the paperwork you could do it within a week. I don't know why you think otherwise.

I agree that him not being excited or apparently interested in the future is sad and a bit concerning, but if he has always been that way, then that's part of his make up. I used to date someone who once asked me: "What are you passionate about?" And I told and he said: "I asked because I don't think I am passionate about anything." And he wasn't to be fair, he kind of existed in a place where imagination and anticipation didn't exist. We broke up because I need someone who has a bit of get up and go - but his had got up and went.

You can get married just you and a couple of witnesses, you didn’t even need to know them. The cost can be very little. Sounds like he is holding you back and is continuously making excuses . You may be comfortable with your relationship but are you fulfilled by it?

I am fulfilled by it we do lots together and I really enjoy his company, hes a brilliant man, it just concerns me, as I don't feel like it's normal behaviour?

Just get married quietly.

It sounds to me like he means that he doesn’t think about the future (just lives in the moment) - not that he doesn’t ’look forward’ to things (if that makes any sense!).

Did it swerve the conversation away from the vasectomy quite nicely?

We broke up because I need someone who has a bit of get up and go - but his had got up and went.

Love this expression.

Should be a mantra for women.

We no longer live in fairy tales. Become financially independent!

A couple I know got married in the registry office in a seaside town (not where they lived). They literally asked two passers by the registry office, to witness the marriage. They had a nice meal together and stayed at a nice hotel for the night. That was it. They return there sometimes on their anniversary so it was still a special and meaningful day for them.

Re vasectomy, maybe he’s also afraid of side affects?

OP you cannot force someone else to have a (lifestyle) medical operation they did not wish to have...I do find it very odd that you seem to think that it is OK to ask your partner to have a vasectomy. You have made no mention of you not being able to use the contraceptive pill or any issue with condoms. Would you be happy if your partner wanted you to have your tubes tied against your wishes?

Your wish to get married is much more understandable and a wedding does not have to mean a big, expensive event.

He is trying to guilt trip you into continuing to be responsible for contraception. What has he proposed instead? Condoms?

Don’t fall for it. I just wouldn’t sleep with him.