Severe anxiety holding me back

[Anxietybummer]

Shamelessly posting on AIBU for traffic.

Hoping someone may have been through something similar and be able to help… here goes!

About 6 years ago I had, what I can only describe, as a breakdown. I was presenting to about 200 people at work, I froze, stuttered, and started having ‘brain shivers’! I had to stop mid flow. Absolutely fucking mortifying on every level, and I have never recovered.

Ever since, I avoid every possible situation that might require some form of public speaking or presenting (even to small numbers) now and it is severely affecting my performance at work, I’m close to throwing in the towel. I am in a 6 figure role, worked my arse off to get to the position and I feel like I’m flushing it down the toilet.

I’ve been able to hide a bit up to now because of two pregnancies/ maternity leave, but I go back in 5 months. If I don’t go back like I mean it then I may as well not go back at all.

Im willing to medicate, to move jobs etc… just hoping someone might be able to tell me how to get through it if they’ve been through the same? Not sure what I want really, just to go back to being the confident and articulate person I was 6 years ago…

so as not to drop feed… it happened 3 weeks after my mum died, I was 31. But it has happened since, it’s like my brain broke that day or something.

I have every sympathy, that happened to me once but I got over it in time . What helped me was acknowledging to colleagues that I had found it traumatic and so many shared their own experiences. I also got a prescription for beta blockers from my GP . Slowly and steadily I regained my confidence and I now regularly speak in public and even enjoy it sometimes but the initial anxiety is always there . Do reach out for help and I wish you all the very best .

Two issues
One general anxiety. Speak to a professional and talk stuff through with them.

Two Work Stuff. Is there anyone who can coach/mentor you either within your org, or within your industry? Someone who you respect and who can give you a nudge in the right direction.

I had something similar happen at work, not as high powered as you but I froze while delivering a training course, went into panic mode. Like you I went into full on avoidance after that and things kept spiralling and getting worse and worse

CBT helped me hugely, your GP should be able to refer you. You can get over this, but I have learnt that you need to face what's scaring you and tackle it in baby steps. A CBT therapist will work with you to set small goals to work on, as your confidence builds you'll be able to tackle more and more. It is possible to get out of the vicious circle and into a positive one! Best of luck x

Thank you so much, it’s nice to hear similar experiences. It feels like I’ve been in a bit of a spiral, nice to hear of experience where it improved.

Propranolol and CBT (but mainly the propanalol) changed my life. I haven't needed it for years now, but wish I'd been prescribed it earlier as anxiety severely limited my teens and twenties. My anxiety came out of nowhere when I was 14, I was 35 before I got adaquate treatment.

Thank you for sharing, I have been considering propranolol. Is it just situational or do you take (did you take) daily?

I posted about this recently as I’ve just been prescribed propranolol for public speaking anxiety. I have a big presentation end of this month which I’ll be using it for, will do a couple trials beforehand. Apparently it does help - I hope! Even the thought that I will have this on hand is helping me reduce my stress in the lead up to the presentation

I think before you consider moving jobs you need a return to work chat with your HR or line manager or whoever and basically say what you have said here. Tied to the loss of your mum and anxiety they should be able to support or offer some reasonable changes.
If you are valuable in your role surely someone else could deliver the public speaking part? Or you could co present and slowly build back confidence?
Setraline helps me with general anxiety so perhaps a GP visit to chat over options as well?

I take it situationally. 40 mg slow release.

I ended up in a bit of a mess with PND and anxiety, which was how I finally got treatment. I took the propranolol daily for 6mths, although I reduced the dose as the 6mths went on. Then I took it situationally for a few months. Finally, just knowing that there was something I could take if I needed it was enough to stave off the anxiety. Sometimes the anxiety is just about becoming anxious (if that makes sense). It's been about 15yrs since I've needed to take anything.

something I could take if I needed it was enough to stave off the anxiety. Sometimes the anxiety is just about becoming anxious“
This is exactly it. I’m anxious about feeling anxious. It feels so silly but it’s debilitating. Thank you for sharing.

I carry a few beta blockers (2.5 mg of bisoprolol) in my purse and make sure it is always with me . Then I don’t need them ! It’s a psychological crutch . Really helps me though .