Veiled threat from MIL?

[BermudaTriangleAngle]

Something my MIL said to me a few weeks ago is still bothering me.

So, over the past few years I have taken a step back from my MIL and SIL (her DD). In a nutshell, they never accepted me, played politics, and together had a campaign of keeping me in my place (by the bins) for their own very insecure reasons. They don't treat my DH very nicely either. SIL is my PIL's favourite.

I used to keep the peace and facilitate things, but when my DC went to Uni, and I grew a backbone during menopause, I stopped. I now see them about twice a year including Christmas. I have encouraged my DH to go over there alone, and my DC can have whatever relationship they want with them. Since I no longer facilitate, they rarely do anything together. I'm sure they'll be blaming me.

Anyway, the last time I saw my MIL she was cross at us (mainly me!) because I am not playing ball i.e. they don't see us very often. She said to me "well, you never know when you might need somebody".

To me, this seemed like a veiled threat and it got me thinking that perhaps DH and I have isolated ourselves from family, put ourselves on an island and cut ourselves off a bit.

However, referring to "well, you never know when you might need somebody". She is talking about her, and FIL and her DD - right? If so, I'm confused because the reasons I now have no time for her includes that; she babysat for us once in 20 years begrudgingly; she refused to contribute a penny to our wedding, but gave her DD £20K for hers, she and SIL have never once bought me a birthday gift (despite receiving them for 30 years personally selected by me). When I have had major life crisis (been ill, had a family problem, needed to take DC to A&E) they have never once shown me any compassion or offered me any help. In fact there have been 2 occasions when I called them up with a major family issue and they were no help whatsoever. I don't hate them, or want any presents (before anyone thinks I'm grabby), I just think their behaviour to me is shit and it's not how I treat the women marrying into my own family.

Then it got me thinking about who I could call if I "might need somebody" and it is not them. It is my DH, my DC, my own family and my friends. Not them.

So AIBU to discount this comment from her and tell myself that yes I might need somebody one day, but it won't be them.

Dont give them any more thought, you stripped the deadwood from your life (during menopause! yay for the IDGAF) and now they are reeling because youre not playing ball.

The toxic doesn't work when people dont play ball.

Dont be held over a barrel for the promise of a future.

I wouldnt view that as a veiled threat, id view it as a favour!

You already knew it wouldn't be them because it never has been, even if you had asked them.
I would consider it a simple statement of fact rather than a threat, in practice nothing has actually changed.

Sadly my only family to speak of.. (forget my mother’s side totally who abandonded me as a baby…) my father and my aunt had very ‘old fashioned views’ and we were often at loggerheads. I really tried my best, but my aunt was toxic beyond belief. So I took a step back. My father told me to ‘keep on her good side as I was the only niece and she would leave me money in her will..’ But I am glad I did step back when I did for my own sanity. When I was having to start over again and needed emergency housing (she had a spare bedroom and lived alone,) she refused to even have me across the threshold. My father took me in, but begrudgingly (in a 3 bed house and I became his unpaid carer!) I am glad I no longer have any family to worry about. Life is complicated enough without shtt in it too.
Look after you and yours. As others said, see it as a blessing in disguise that she is saying these things.

She has said that to manipulate you into doing what she wants.
They sound a lot like my in-laws and MIL has pulled the same trick with similar comments, but as you say they are meaningless comments because my in-laws also have NEVER been there for us, they’ve caused lots of problems for us, but have never tried to solve any. We also have completely dropped the rope with them and it’s so freeing.

Prepare for more manipulation though - accusations that you aren’t family-orientated, that you’ve “changed”, that you are cold-hearted, and the latest one - we will be sorry when they are dead. Lots of dramatic accusations, when all that is really happening is they are reaping what they have sown!

Just ignore her and carry on as you are.

She is right, so are you.
Yes, you might need somebody one day. Not them tho!

Yeah, she's trying to manipulate you. In her mind she's obviously Mother Theresa and you will rue the day she won't come rescue you all. You know the reality though and are right to have stepped back from such a spiteful woman/family.

You dont need these people in your life. Cut them off completely and no more Christmas /birthday gifts.

They will need you before you need them , or SIL very well might do .

You are in the right op 💯, don't give them a second thought, shit houses.

This!

I'd let my DH buy them birthday and Xmas gifts if he cared too. I wouldn't be doing it. You spent (wasted) 30 years running around after them but thankfully you dropped the rope through menopause and now focus on just the important people in your family.

I think you’re overthinking. It would only be a threat, veiled or otherwise, if there was anything you might conceivably need her for, or relied on her to provide, but from what you say there isn’t.

But surely you can see why she’s resentful? If you actively pushed your DH, this woman’s actual son, into maintaining a relationship with her for decades, and then stopped because you got tired of it, and he’s since too uninterested to maintain his own relationship with his parents and sister, you can see why your change of behaviour is more obvious than his, and why it’s easier for your MIL to say ‘She’s turned him against me’ than ‘My own son can’t be bothered’?

You see it on here all the time, people blaming their brother or father’s wife for them not being in contact, as if it’s something the task of the married-in spouse to promote blood relationships that predate her.

Ha, she has never been there for you so threatening not to be there for you matters not one jot!

You're not an island, you have your own family and friends around you. Do your family treat DH well?

And yes, stop buying their presents if you are doing this.

You know that there is no scenario where you will need your MIL, FIL or SIL and even if you did, you know they wouldn't be there for you.

Your MIL just hates the fact that you have totally detached and don't care whether you have their approval or not. Their snidey comments and the lack of any empathy, help or care are just water off a duck's back now, because she is absolutely nothing to you. You don't like her, you don't need her, she is a shit mum to your DH, a shit grandparents to your kids and a toxic MIL to you.

Your MIL can't bear that she completely irrelevant as far as you are concerned. Don't give her another thought.

You’re overthinking it, you’ve set boundaries and kept them at arms length, continue doing that and ignore anything they say.

Hello. My mother-in-law issues are nowhere near as bad as yours, but my husband and I have extracted ourselves from the semi toxic in laws over the past four years. Similar situation where his siblings get lots more financial and childcare support & we get naff all. Lots of guilt trips from MIL if we don’t comply with her plans etc.

When his mother wants us to turn the world upside down to attend some family event in a far flung Part of the country, she’ll say something like ‘Family means everything“. I just roll my eyes and in my mind say p* off.

I don’t think it’s a veiled threat, I think she’s just being childish and doesn’t like the fact that you stand up to her.

Leave your in laws to it, I say.

They haven’t been there so far so why expect them to be there going forwards , more likely they may need help and think you won’t be available for them . TBH I read the threat as they were not going to leave you anything in their will as you were not close , but suspect they won’t anyway or a minimal amount

Why dont you say it to her face. " Why would i need .you. you've never been there before. "
I'd have a showdown with her. List everything the way you listed it here. Let her know what a cow she is. But of course you have to be prepared then to let them go completely and your DH and DD maybe need to let them go too They sound horrible. I had MIL and FIL who did very little for my husband but still expected us to come running.My own mum did loads for us and I resented the in laws. I stopped going over there in the end and even got divorced.....not only because of that by any means. We were having other problems. . But my DH was very spineless with them , which didn't help and only added to my resentment.

Well you know if you needed anyone they can’t be relied on so just discount it. Your SIL can look after them in their old age as she is the favoured one. Giving her £20k and your DH nothing is awful.

She sounds unpleasant. And her words are just trying to provoke a response from you. Grey rock het all the way. You’re handling it very well.

God, I'd have been so tempted to say, "Probably, but you'll be dead by then".