Name changed, for reasons that will follow. Sorry in advance for the length of the post and thanks if you make it through!
I have had a lifelong difficult relationship with my sister. For context I'm the elder by 3 years but we also have a brother, 3 years older than me. We're middle aged now but all have young families. So this is a decades old issue and I have never been able to rectify it. I'm hoping someone may have some good advice as I'm all out of ideas.
I suspect DS has a personality disorder. I'm not qualified to say, she's never said she has and I wouldn't dream of suggesting it to her or anyone else IRL. My reasons for thinking this are that, in hindsight over 3 decades, I can see a pattern of behaviour that has reoccurred many times. The specific issues may have been different at different points, but whatever has been upsetting her, she will say very provocative and vile things to draw me (or others) into argument. This worked when younger as I didn't have my current perspective of many years of the behaviour under my belt. So I've definitely said and done things when younger that I'm not proud of during these arguments. I have apologised for them when I know I've been wrong.
However, over the years I have tried to change how I am in these situations, so for example I've tried to address the specific issue with her that she's been worried about calmly and from a place of wanting to find a resolution, to no avail (always more vile and provocative things are said and impossible demands made) I've worried alcohol intake was causing it and tried to steer her, and definitely myself in her company, away from alcohol, that hasn't worked. I've looked up on line how to help someone with resolving issues using techniques like LEAPS and vitaris box as start points for keeping things calm, it doesn't. I've sometimes nodded along to horrible things she's said about others to keep the peace only for those 'agreements' to be turned against me later, on occasion infront of other people. Things I've done, or her interpretations of things I've done, stretching back years, decades even, can suddenly be thrown in to the mix (even when they'd seemingly been resolved long ago) to illustrate what an awful person I am. Etc etc etc, it never gets better, it never gets different. No matter what I've tried.
Of course it's a cycle, so there will be pleasant times in between where she will gradually come back into my life for me to think things are OK, just for the kick-offs to rear up again. It's exhausting and I never, ever want to have these arguments (I don't actually argue anymore) although when younger if mentioned to parents it was seen as a 6 of one half a dozen of the other situation, which has left me questioning myself and my actions and my responsibility deeply over the years. Making light of it for my own sanity, I have joked that there's not a cafe, restaurant or bar in our city that she hasn't stormed out on me from. But it's not light or funny. It's soul-crushing, particularly the never-endingness of it. It's like an abusive ground hog day.
I hoped as we had children of our own things might shift, they haven't. She doesn't parent her child as I would, although I wouldn't say anything to her, that's individual choice. However it causes stress and difficulties in with interaction between our children and how to approach things with her about them if anything occurs. It's seen as criticism and screaming ensues rather than a conversation about the issue itself.
I know she has behaved in this way to others in the past, boyfriends, friends and colleagues. We had a mutual group of friends that finally imploded a few years ago because of her behaviour. I'd worked to save it on a couple of previous occassions, but this was the end. Noone (apart possibly from her DH who I've never talked to about it) has had the frequency and intensity of the outbursts aimed at them as I have. My brother lived abroad for many years and was so much older than her that he'd left home whilst she was still a child, so this dynamic didn't develop between them and although he's seen slight flashes of her rage he's not had the same experience as I have. I've touched on it with him. He's a good guy who I have a good relationship with. As with anyone decent if you see an odd flash of adult tantrum from a loved one you brush it off as we can all have bad days. I don't involve him or our parents as it's hard to see how that would help, although it makes it very frustrating for me to be the one it's almost always aimed at to a degree nobody else understands.
She has few friends left and at points I see her due to a (misplaced) sense of responsibility and because I feel sorry for her. Even when things don't kick off, I don't really enjoy her company any more. I find I'm dreading the meet up and walking on eggshells, watching what I say, all through. The only positive really is the sense of relief if it's over without a major rage. Outside of that we don't have many interests in common either. It sounds horrible to say, but she's become very dull. She's always bithching about people, is an eternal victim and is never accountable for her own behaviour, and that's a lot of what the conversation with her revolves around, it's very negative. I very rarely meet up socially with her now, outside of family events, but I did, against my better judgement last week.
She bought tickets for something for us, a seemingly lovely gesture, but also a fate acompli. I has reservations about it, but the time before we went out (in the spring, I don't often get out having a young child) was OK. A mutual friend was there then, who has seen and directly experienced my sister's rages over many years. That acted as a buffer. This time she said she wasn't inviting the friend as logistics would be difficult. This further raised my dread. There were collegues of hers out that night, people I also know. Everything was OK to start. We have relatives visiting soon and she's been contacting them regarding it. It came to the point where I offered to host as we've recently moved and have the room. It would take pressure off my parents who are now very elderly. It may be a last meet up like this for them, they are getting beyond travelling now. So all seemed set and the conversation was at this point when the peole we knew at the pub left. Almost the second they were out of view the mood changed. She started talking about our cousin, who will be visiting, and saying they bullied her (we're talking over 40 years ago here.) The relatives have always lived a distance away so they visited 3 times a year when we were kids. I do remember on a couple of occasions the cousin running away and hiding from DS. This is the bullying she is referring to. To the point that over 40 years later she is traumatised to the extent that she is screaming at me in a pub about it on a night out we'd had arranged for a couple of months. I kept calm and quiet until demanded to speak, I asked questions to try and see if we could find a way for her to deal with this trauma. Nothing worked. She brought my child into it, something she's done before and I've asked her not to. I steered things back, 'we're talking about how you feel, not my DC, so...what do you think would help you?'etc. It ended with her demanding that I call cousin 'a bitch' which I didn't.
She stormed off, then back to scream at me some more then off again. As I waited for a taxi outside she brought up various non-related things she considers I've done wrong to highlight that I'm an awful person. To explain name change here, one was that she found a previous user name of mine, searched it, found a post where I'd asked if I'd been in the wrong about a situation involving her and now screams at me for saying things 'publicly' about her and her child that are despicable. According to her. Whilst there is no nod to how odd it is to take someone's details nefariously and search out their posts. I don't want to drip feed but the details behind that would be another long post.
It ended with me saying I don't want to do this anymore. There's been no contact between us for a week. The arrangement with the relatives visiting with everyone coming to my home is in place, and had been before she kicked off about this new trauma of the cousin. So I, but nobody else in the family, am aware of the horrible things she's said and I now have the prospect of hosting an event I can't remove myself from if she kicks off, as it's in my house. DH tells me to cancel, do the pub lunch we'd usually do. Whilst I see the pros of that, it makes me seem like the flakey weirdo who's all welcoming then goes cold. If I go ahead and tell her not to come then there's how to explain it. She might turn up anyway. Or I have the inevitable stress, which I was happy to shoulder, of the weekend of hosting but compounded by the stress of knowing what she's said and managing her (how??!) on the day. She's such a shithouse she'd probably never say anything on the day, but it's been said to me and I'm left feeling like this. What would you do? I mean really, if it were you and the family relationships involved are complicated and intertwined? I know NC is an option but so hard with elderly parents. I suppose I want to get to a point where I'm not feeling this awful and conflicted a week after one of her rages. But knowing I have to navigate the family meet up in the not so distant future makes it more difficult on this occasion. What to do specifically regarding the upcoming relatives visiting and then beyond? Sorry for outsourcing my issues! But objective perspectives can bring in things I've never considered and could be really helpful.