Help needed for screen addiction

[pimplebum]

My ( I think neurotypical ) 6.4 year old is screen addicted , entirely my fault as a knackered parent
Last year we had intense screaming fits getting him dressed and into school last year ( it took over an hour -2 hours to get dressed , often had to deposit him half naked and use positive handling to get him in car and into school often with him attempting to get out of car and kicking and hitting driver furiously ) and now we allowing him my phone in the morning and we have a calm peaceful happy dressing and journey and dressed in 5 mins

he is on screen from 6 in the evening as soon as he walks in door to bedtime

at the weekend he has screen as soon as he awakes and it’s all day until bedtime so 15 hours sat and 15 or so hours Sunday - 30 hours of screen time it really is terrifying

we have to beg him to go to the park and getting him to go to parties is sometimes hard too, in the summer holidays we had to positive handle in to the park but once there he played fantastically with his friends but instantly on phone asap he came home

my eldest is PDA ASD EBSR ( autistic defiant school refuser ) so spends a lot more time on her screen

I am beyond sad about the screen situation and don’t need to be told it’s my fault and bad parenting - I know that.

what I am asking for practical advice for folks that had cut down or gone cold turkey on screens , what’s has worked for you ?
i was thinking of replacing and weening them off the utter shite they watch on screens to wholesome tv , but I’ve tried to do blue Peter octonaughts and it it not giving them the same ‘hit’ and I gave in as I could not stand the hours of screening and crying punching and kicking I got for screens

please be kind and helpful , I will listen to all genuine help , it’s taken me a long time to pluck up courage to post this as I know how these threads can go

Wow, that is a lot. I think the most practical answer is to get rid of the TV full stop. If it's not in the house he can't watch it. Your eldest is trickier - not sure if she's a teenager in her room on her screen or what, but I would totally stop your six year olds access to screens and if they aren't in the house then you can't give in in a tired moment.

I have two autistic DS who spend more time on screens than we would like. We find it is much easier out of the house to moderate- luckily they both enjoy activities. Maybe setting specific times in the house when no one is on a screen - start with 30 minutes then work up from there with a choice of activities?

15 hours per day is really shocking. I think that you need to go cold turkey and get rid of the screen. Fill the days with other stuff, take him out. What is everyone else doing all day? Get him involved in that

I don't know that much but I'm aware that when you've got PDA or ND, screens can help to regulate. They can be a help. So perhaps cold turkey isn't right or achievable. I am just thinking as I type but instead could you focus on replacing some of the screen time with other things. So instead of thinking I need to get rid of 10 hours screen time, would it help to say ok, I want to get the kids outside for 1 hour, to look at books or magazines for 30 minutes and to do 1 chore. And perhaps you could make shared screen time a part of how you improve the quality, such as a multiplayer game, a family film, or a series you can watch together. Mine like taskmaster right now.

Look at getting a balance phone, it basically doesn't have you tube, social media, games etc. Just essential apps.
So he won't want your phone so that would stop that and then gradually wean him off other screens or at least a movie is better than scrolling rubbish on you tube or whatever.

I think this is really good advice! Also let him see you actually getting rid of them so he knows it’s futile to ask. The initial meltdown will be almighty so brace yourself.

I also advise maybe having something else ready to fill the void - perhaps some new and exciting toys to bring out one by one? And line up loads of out-the-house activities for the initial days. Bribe with chocolate to get him there if needed.

I haven’t been in exactly your situation but my DC has learning disabilities and becomes a total monster if he has too much screen time. The only thing that works is cold turkey for a few days. Cutting down just doesn’t work. In your case I think the cold turkey may need to be permanent, given how embedded the behaviour is.

Also I expect people will be really horrible to you on this thread. Try your best to ignore them. It’s easy to pretend to be perfect online, but in reality everyone is muddling through and many won’t have the same challenges you do with additional needs etc. The fact you recognise a negative situation and want to change it already makes you a thoughtful and proactive parent.

Gently, but a 5.5 year who has 2 hour screaming fits over going to school, who a year later is choosing to spend 15 hours a day on a screen and has an ASD older sibling…well, I would have a very high suspicion for neurodivergence personally.

Either way, what happens if you say no? What happens if he can’t have your phone?

thank you so much for your kind replies , yes oldest is a tween and under CAMHS for depression anxiety so I’d be really scared to remove what she describes as “ her only happiness “

I did think of stopping/ “breaking” cancelling the games or switching off WiFi and just “not being able”to fix it but the meltdown would be the same if “outside forces” were taking the screens way or we as parents were the bad guys

its going to have to be cold turkey I think - so scared of this but if if there are boundaries they will wear us down

What are they watching during screen time? It maybe that they are used to more grown up content if watching you tube shorts etc, so maybe introduce some ‘older’ television material. My son absolutely loves clarkson farm as he’s really interested in agriculture. I accept there is some bad language in there which he absolutely knows not to repeat.

It so difficult to break the ‘screen time’ habit. Could you set timers on devices, for example you tube has a 30 minute timer on our device then won’t turn back on. Maybe start at 1hr/90mins and reduce by 10 minutes every couple off days. My DS can only watch things on you tube about mountain bikes, farming and DIY. He doesn’t get free rein. No headphones as I want to know what he’s watching. He only gets it as a reward after doing something like reading, bathing etc. we also have him playing alot of sport, cricket, football, tennis and athletics to burn energy and occupy his time otherwise he’d be staring at a screen.

Good luck to you. It’s not easy acknowledging that we’ve gone down a rabbit hole as a parent- easy done, you’ll get out of it with of patience and persistence.

i do have fears of youngest also being diverse but also fears I’ve made him that way with excessive screen time

CAMHS will not diagnose him if they knew how much time he is on screens

not that we’d get a diagnosis this side of his 20th birthday!

its going to have to be cold turkey I think - so scared of this but if if there are boundaries they will wear us down

I’m the same OP. We don’t own a tablet and we won’t until we can’t avoid it any longer because it’s just another rule/boundary to impose and I just can’t face it for the 30 minutes of peace it may bring me. I’d be very careful about going from 15 hours a day of intense, small screen stimulation to zero hours of anything though. Maybe put the phone/tablet away but allow unlimited TV for the first weekend, then introduce some rules around TV time (eg set times of the day and/or for a set amount of time, interspersed with other activities).

How will you manage school if small screens are banned going forward? Do school know how awful it was last year? Sounds like school has been a struggle for him to say the least - could they be doing more to help get him in in the morning?

Have you considered a sport like football or rugby? Or anything really. He must have school friends who play for local teams. It's usually dirt cheap and a great focus for a weekend morning.

Huge hugs. You haven’t. You did what you needed to do to get him into school (admirable) and it’s just spiralled.

What does he enjoy doing apart from screens? I often try to stop my kids having too much screen time (they don't have that much but I do think it makes them behave badly, especially iPad type screens). I find it's best if there are activities set up that can be enjoyed as an alternative so it becomes fun to not watch a screen and then when you say wasn't that much more fun that watching TV they agree. But yeh it's hard work which isn't always easy when you are a busy and tired parent.

My kids are currently on a screen time ban this week for eating a large quantity of Lindt chocolate for breakfast 😂

There's a video on YouTube about a screen free challenge,
Show them this and do it for a month. It'll be hard, but it'll break the habit, then at the end of the month add them back in for ~2 hours on a Saturday and have no screens the rest of the time.
That much screen time will really be hampering his development in every way which I'm sure you know, which is why you're asking for help. It just needs doing and you need to stick to it no matter how hard it is.

I had this with my kids (similar too in that my eldest has ASD and screens just ended up getting out of hand)
I had to have my youngest to cold turkey for a few weeks and then we were able to introduce screen time in a limited way and he's been able to manage it a lot better now- sticking to the limits when reintroducing tech is b important for us as if I ever get a bit lenient then he starts playing up and asking for more time whereas if I stick to it rigidly, he's ok about it now.

You need to remember that autistic children have been around a long time before screens...

I'd start with a tick sheet with requirements e.g. getting dressed, going to school nicely etc... and if he gets enough ticks during the week he can have 2 hours of screen time on Saturday and 30 minutes in the evening, but if he doesnt cooperate then its a 24 hour screen ban each time.

My DD has adhd and is awful with screens and has monstrous tantrums so her screen time is very limited. Her brother is autistic and also has limited screen time.

They both love those magnet sets instead now!

I feel for you as this must feel like a huge mountain to climb. But climb it you must. You know this isn't healthy for him and ultimately he will be happier and healthier without this addiction.

Firstly you need to prepare for the inevitable rage, do what you need to do self care wise to be mentally strong and be able to hold your child's feelings on this.

Second, what are you doing while your DC are on screens? Are you on screens too? I would make the screen time ban for you too so he's not the only one.

Thirdly as already suggested, set up and prepare different activities he might enjoy - my kids love art and construction stuff - and get out of the house on walks. Can you walk a friend's dog or something exciting but still wholesome perhaps? Brainstorm 10 different things you could do instead and write them down so you don't forget.

In my house things work much better if I just place an "invitation to play" on the table and start doing it myself, they are more likely to join in than if I say "why don't you do xyz".

They also initially may like thrill seeking things that give them a bit of a dopamine hit - fast games like beyblades or hungry hippos, wrestling, skateboarding, etc.

Finally be prepared for it to take time and be hard, it will probably take a month or more for him to break the addiction.

Thanks all , appreciate the kindness
I know what I need to do …just haven’t the energy for what it entails , there is always an excuse , he had a scary hospital appointment so that wasn’t a good weekend …I’ve had terrible virus so no umph for last weekend … lots of diy needs doing this weekend so could do with them safely out the way … and so on

there’s is never going to be a good time for the hell that will break lose , how our neighbours haven’t called the police some weekends I don’t know

thanks again ( bites bullet) 👍

You seem to have just decided to cold turkey. Perhaps it is the right thing to do but I must say I'd be surprised. There must be some research about this.

I have one autistic child and one NT child. Now early secondary. To reset, I would suggest camping. If there is no screen, it’s not an option.

We’ve always highly restricted screens though. My brother (now 46) is screen addicted and still lives like a teenage boy in my elderly father’s house. I was utterly and implacably determined to not let my children fall into that lifestyle. It is an ongoing, daily battle.

I’ve found it helps to live rurally, own a dog, choose outdoor pursuits like horse riding, encourage Scouts (our local group is outdoors all year) and have really strict rules about screens. Not sure if any of that is doable for you. DH works in agricultural so DC get to accompany him in various farm machinery which is a big draw.

DD2 was exceptionally disappointed when she finally got a phone and realised she had access to virtually nothing because of the parental controls we insist on.

You would need to prepare for epic hours long meltdowns that may continue for 4-6 weeks. How stubborn are you? How much energy do you have for this?

I think cold turkey and riding out the storm is the only way. Please don't feel like a bad parent - these things creep up on you and get out of hand when you're dealing with neurodiversity. Sending you strength and solidarity to get through the initial tough phase - it will get worse before it gets better - keep telling yourself it will be worth it in the end. Can you and DH tag team over the weekend so each of you gets a break from dealing with the inevitable meltdowns? Have a plan to get your DS out of the house and wear him out as much as possible and lots of play activities at hand to try instead. Be kind to yourself, you're obviously a good parent to be concerned and want to bring in some changes! Good luck 💐

It needs to strangely disappear

You'll have a day of hell then he'll forget about it

Will done seeking help @pimplebum

For what it’s worth, when we’ve found screen time creeping up with my 3.5 yr old, I’ve always found it much more effective to go cold turkey for a while than simply reduce. After a few days of tantrums there’s always been a very noticeable improvement in behaviour.

Admittedly our screen time hasn’t been remotely near yours, but I do think there’s something psychologically simpler for both sides to know the option is just off the table, as opposed to trying to enforce rules about when it can be on vs when it can’t.