DD skipped school today to be with her boyfriend

[Bubblect]

My DD is 15 and she's in year 10, her bf is 14 also Y10, but his birthday isn't until next year. I'm a single mum, DD’s dad passed away years ago.

The bf was attending her school but he got permanently excluded and is now in a PRU, he's sort of a known troublemaker around here, he hangs out with much older boys, he was posted on a local FB page from cctv for throwing stones at cars. He also rides his bike, usually in the road when cars are coming and then blames them. He's just a boy I don't want DD to be around. Social services are involved as I've heard him mention a social worker but I don't know anything about his family.

A few months ago when they got together I found messages from him on DD’s phone telling her he wanted to have sex with her I did speak to DD about this but she said she wasn't going to have sex with him and said he didn't mean now, he meant in the future. She then changed her password on her phone. I did used to check her phone when she was asleep so she didn't have chance to delete anything. I did report this to the school but they didn't really say much, he wasn't at her school at that point.

Her behaviour has completely changed, she's gone from being quiet and doing well in school, never getting a detention. To getting detention for being late, not paying attention in class etc etc. I've tried talking to her, taking her phone etc but we live close so she goes to his even when she doesn't have a phone, I can't enforce grounding 24/7 as I work.

I don't let him come over but again we live close so they can go to his or the park etc and I'm not sure it's the right thing to do as I don't know what they're getting up to.He also makes excuses to come to the door, DD has his hoodie for example.

Today, she didn't turn up to school, I tried calling and texting her but no response, she eventually came home and she’d been with him, she has love bites on her neck and she's told me it's none of my business, she can do what she likes and she can't wait until she can leave and they can get their own place. She's fed up with everyone telling them what to do, and called me controlling. I have taken the phone and told her i’ll be going on the bus with her tomorrow to make sure she goes but I feel so out of my depth

I feel like I'm failing her, I feel such a bad mum but I really don't know what to do

Speak to the school in the first instance, they may be able to help and keep her in school. She’ll get in trouble, but they are used to dealing with stuff like this. Y10 is a difficult time when sh*t starts to get real and in secondary schools, they’ll often tell you they have a lot of issues with Y10 behaviour. It’s so tough because you can’t tell her not to see her bf because that will make her want to do it more. But they get all the serious talks at that age, and they do get fed up of hearing it. Perhaps point out to her if she wants to get their own place, they’ll need money and therefore jobs which are a hell of a lot easier to get if she goes to school and gets good grades.
Either way, you are not failing her. They’re developing their own minds at that age. They can be difficult to manage, particularly if they are besotted and can’t see that someone is trouble. Unfortunately, the term “love is blind” was coined for a reason.

Ah op so stressful.

I think firstly, if you pay for the phone then you are able to check the phone. I'd say that's a condition of her having a phone at all.

I think I would allow him to come over to be honest, I'd rather she was seeing him under my roof where I'm there to keep an ear out than have her at his or who knows where with no supervision.

I'd have another conversation with her about sex and offer to get her contraception if she thinks it might head that way. I'd also be trying to talk to her about how healthy the relationship is. I think the problem you have is that the more you try to shut it down, the more you're pushing her towards him and the easier it is for him to turn that around on you. I also think you need to be really honest with her about the reality of her having an intimate relationship when she's of an age of consent and he still isn't.

Id ask the school for support and maybe try to get her involved with local youth services. Ultimately you can't break them up, what you can do is focus on trying to improve your relationship with her and show her that you love her and want the best for her no matter what. Could you sit down with her and talk about your relationship with her and what she thinks would need to happen for it to improve and for her to feel more supported by you? And what things she recognises is just your job as a parent and part of parenting is creating boundaries? Do you ever get to spend any time with her like go get your nails done together or have a pamper night in with a movie or something for fun to remind her that your relationship doesn't always have to be a conflict.

Thank you, I just feel like I'm failing. I'm unsure if school would do anything as he's not at her school anymore

Talk to her when calm about her goals for the future what kind of life does she want to have when she is 21 or 30. A home? A good job? A family? Travelling? Make her see the links of how she needs decent grades and not being pregnant will be helpful for her

I think everyone has given you very sensible advice so far. It is a very difficult time and I do think at that age all they hear is "you can't do this..." "You shouldn't do that..." " You must do that..."

I know from my own DS who went through a rocky year 10/start of year 11 that he felt he couldn't do anything right, everyone always assumed the worst of him and no one trusted him to make his own decisions. The good news is he came out the other side without being excluded, or anyone being pregnant or arrested which quite frankly didn't seem possible at the time.

I would let him come over. I would also talk to DD, not about what she can't do but about what she can do. She can choose to concentrate whilst at school, she is there anyway so may as well get something out of it. She can choose to prioritize her future happiness, what job does she want to do, what does she have to do to get that job etc.

Please do a pregnancy test. Pregnant will scupper all her plans

Lone parent of DD16 here. It’s really tough sometimes. Do you have any extended family around at all? Or can you visit relatives during half term/take a few days off? Get her away and do something together to draw her back into you and reality?