How did you manage the separation/divorce phase

[user2466]

Hi,

Ex H moved out almost three weeks ago. Long story short he’s moved back in with his abusive and controlling family (who have been deemed abusive by professionals). He’s being abused and controlled and has for as long as he can remember. He saw it for what it was for around two years but has now gone back to them after an argument around finances happened and a few things were said.

We have a DD (2) and he wanted contact to take place at his parents house but I said I don’t agree to that. Since then he’s refused all contact with her unless it’s at my ex in laws house.

I feel like there’s multiple layers, I’m devastated for DD, feel heartbroken for myself, trying to navigate bills etc as a single parent working part time.

Any advice?

Bump

Oh, OP, that sounds hard. Based on your post, you're right to refuse contact for your daugher at his parents'. Presumably your Ex knows why.

What are his options as you know them? Can he afford to live separately from his extreme family? If he had a 1bedroom, at least DD could sleep there whilst he takes a sofa-bed?
If he apologised would you take him back? (perhaps that ship has sailed, you are totally done with it all; I understand completely)

What does DD think? How does she feel about GPs?

@tarheelbabythank you. He won’t be able to move out. He’s in a LOT of debt which was a big issue for us. But the biggest issue was his family who he’s gone back to

I’m not entirely sure if I would, things would need to change if I was to

Bump

You’re completely right to keep your child away from those people. You can’t save her father from them but you can save her by refusing contact that takes place in their home with them.

When I left my ex my kids and I moved to a refuge because of his abusive behaviour. His parents wanted separate contact with the children and I refused because they and their son are all awful people. Family court and social services were involved and contact was set up that way. That is what your ex is going to have to do: go through family court and let them sort it out. Honestly, don’t give in.

@WellYouWereMythTaken can I ask how your experience was of social services in this situation? I’ve referred myself due to my concerns around his family. Very nervous. What does contact between them and your DC look like now?

Bump anyone?

Hi Op, sounds tough.
Contact- so hes suggested the extanded family home, you have concerns so said no. Presuming he's safe around daughter himself I would suggest a reasonable alternative-like to take her out for the day but not take her to extended family or what have you. If he refuses this then you've tried and its over to him to get in touch and suggest something reasonable.
Other than this, look after yourself and plan to do something nice yourself you and dd this weekend, if youve done what you can re contact you can mentally shelve it and focus on yourself and dd.

Cafcass were originally involved but they referred us to social services due to accusations of abuse from both sides. I don’t know if we were lucky with the social workers we got but it was actually fine. I was terrified of them at first that they’d take my kids away. In my experience as long as you stick to what is best for your children- which you clearly will- and follow any recommendations they make it should be ok.

We now live in another part of the country. I put this forward, ex didn’t try to stop me, which he apparently could have. He has bitched about it ever since though. He still saw the kids for a while but then fucked it up completely with the youngest. Not sure exactly what was said/shouted but youngest hasn’t had contact with his dad for 3 years. His choice and his father has done nothing to change that. Oldest is now a young adult and apparently doesn’t talk to him that much and barely visits as she just can’t stand it. It’s a shame the kids don’t have a better relationship with their dad and his family but he and they fucked it up, not the children.