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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He doesn’t want to be with me but wants to still talk

52 replies

Shelia5 · 08/10/2025 00:16

He’s told me he’s not happy and doesn’t want to be with me. I’ve asked is it me what is it and he said he’s just not happy and nothing I did or didn’t do. He’s been probably crying more than me about how he’s sorry and how bad he feels having to not be with me. I’m super confused, the only thing I’ve gauged is that he’s done this in every relationship but what’s new he has given me the kindness to tell me and break up rather than drag me through the mud like his other girls.

I have given all options in the 24hrs for the relationship to be worked on and he doesn’t want it. I’ve said I’ve got to have respect for myself and he can’t have access to me in any way if that’s the case. He said he still wants to be there for me if I’m down and wants me to know I can come to him. Which I’m also confused about why would you want that when your have walked away. Apparently he still loves me, cares deeply and didn’t mean for this to happen which if he’s done this before multiple times surely he knew.

im so confused as our relationship hasn’t been bad. I don’t get why he’s crying so hard when he wanted this to happen like as adults we have a choice.

I think right now I’m looking for advice any advice, feedback literally just anything as I am hurting

wanted to add he’s tried to leave the door open by leaving stuff at mine and saying we will have space and talk later on down the line. Surely there is nothing to talk about

OP posts:
Original poster
Shelia5 · 08/10/2025 07:18

I’m trying to be positive and not angry. It makes me so angry that he really attempted to make himself the centre of my world, he wanted me to rely on him. Imagine if I did he would have left me in the trash

Now I just feel like was that his way to have me dependent on him

OP posts:
Zempy · 08/10/2025 07:21

Tell him to fuck off and block him.

What a pathetic specimen!

Owly11 · 08/10/2025 07:28

People like this give me the rage with their self absorbed entitlement. It’s all about him isn’t it - I suppose you are meant to feel sorry for him and how hard this is!!!! Tell him you are sorry he feels that way, tell him how you feel (I think this bit is important if only to make the point that you are a person too and that his actions have an impact) then wish him well with his life, tell him it’s over and there is no going back or further conversations to be had and then pack up all his stuff and ask him to take it. If he doesn’t, take it round to his and leave on the doorstep.

WellYouWereMythTaken · 08/10/2025 07:30

I’d tell him he’s being fucking tiresome and anything of his that he’s left at mine will be outside in bin bags waiting for him. I would absolutely be dragged into the drama when I was a teenager but what grown adult has time for that?

Theoldbird · 08/10/2025 07:31

Well done for sending the pathetic snivelling manbaby packing. He's only sad that YOU'RE not sad enough at his departure.

What attracted you to him in the first place, as you say he drags every woman he's been with through the mud? He treats women like rubbish, this is a horrible horrible man.

Cinaferna · 08/10/2025 07:33

No, the selfish arse doesn't get to leave stuff at yours. He has to collect it in one go. What he leaves will be thrown away.

And no 'still want to talk' breadcrumbs. Suggest a clean break, no contact. It's good that you already see this is a pattern of his, nothing to do with you. That will help you move on more quickly.

Daleksatemyshed · 08/10/2025 07:33

He's not capable of a real relationship Op, he plays the part well but he's not able to sustain it. Be glad you found out early and didn't waste years on him. He'll always be looking for his perfect woman and getting angry when they turn out to flawed and human in his eyes

Dozer · 08/10/2025 07:33

YABU for dating him for this long, with his awful history, what he said about it, and red flags like love bombing behaviour.

Go cold turkey with no further contact with him, as you initially said to him you’d do and as posters suggest.

It seems consistent with his history and treatment of you and others that he’d seek to continue contact (and more): there are plenty of pay offs for him in doing that. (But not for you)

KiwiFall · 08/10/2025 07:35

You need to think of yourself and not allow him to play mind games which are not fair on you. Bag his stuff up and take to his, if he’s unwilling to do that drop it off on his doorstep or leave at his work or with one of his friends. You won’t heal while he’s still
dipping in and out of your life.

Enrichetta · 08/10/2025 07:39

the only thing I’ve gauged is that he’s done this in every relationship but what’s new he has given me the kindness to tell me and break up rather than drag me through the mud like his other girls

Drag you through the mud like his other girls???!!!!!

Quite apart from everything else, this ought to have been a huge red flag…

CuckooPond · 08/10/2025 07:40

He sounds as if he’s asking for you to congratulate him on actually telling you he’s leaving you and paying you compliments as he does so, rather than treating you like all the other women he’s dumped. The arse. Tell him his belongings, including the little sister photo, are in a bin bag on the doorstep, and block him.

RedToothBrush · 08/10/2025 07:42

Shelia5 · 08/10/2025 00:58

It’s hurtful but it’s clear he’s using me and feeding me with crap of “I love you” to stop me from rejecting him also. As soon as I said I’m happy to let go and bye the “ I love you” and “ your amazing” was coming out of his mouth

He is emotionally abusing you because he gets off on the power and control.

People who love someone don't do this. It's all about his ego. It's about behaviour not words. His behaviour tells you what you need to listen to.

Cut him loose. You can do better than this.

Original poster
Shelia5 · 08/10/2025 07:44

It’s taken me time to see what person he is. He was the perfect lover, gentlemen did ever thing right. As time went on I started to identify patterns and I asked questions. I realised he was attached to all his friends in a dependent way whether that Was borrowing money (owing a lot)
, previously living with them and even their partners and even depending on his friends parents to drag him out of mess. Even to the fact he had a lot of financial debt. I started to ask questions about his partners at first it was vague then as time went on he would say they all called him selfish ect. Now I can see why they thought he was selfish, a rubbish partner. He’s an emotional vampire and he uses others to survive

OP posts:
FeedingPidgeons · 08/10/2025 07:52

Well done for seeing through it.

It really isn't you, it's him. Congratulations on your freedom, be strong and never respond to him again.

What a muppet he is!

Lurkingandlearning · 08/10/2025 08:05

Shelia5 · 08/10/2025 07:44

It’s taken me time to see what person he is. He was the perfect lover, gentlemen did ever thing right. As time went on I started to identify patterns and I asked questions. I realised he was attached to all his friends in a dependent way whether that Was borrowing money (owing a lot)
, previously living with them and even their partners and even depending on his friends parents to drag him out of mess. Even to the fact he had a lot of financial debt. I started to ask questions about his partners at first it was vague then as time went on he would say they all called him selfish ect. Now I can see why they thought he was selfish, a rubbish partner. He’s an emotional vampire and he uses others to survive

If you find yourself wavering, remind yourself of what you have said ^.

Very soon I think you will add manipulative to that list. He plays people, uses people and he knows he does it.

Well done for seeing through his BS.

Theoldbird · 08/10/2025 08:49

Shelia5 · 08/10/2025 07:44

It’s taken me time to see what person he is. He was the perfect lover, gentlemen did ever thing right. As time went on I started to identify patterns and I asked questions. I realised he was attached to all his friends in a dependent way whether that Was borrowing money (owing a lot)
, previously living with them and even their partners and even depending on his friends parents to drag him out of mess. Even to the fact he had a lot of financial debt. I started to ask questions about his partners at first it was vague then as time went on he would say they all called him selfish ect. Now I can see why they thought he was selfish, a rubbish partner. He’s an emotional vampire and he uses others to survive

He is right about one thing - you are absolutely amazing. Your strength and resolve are inspirational 👏

Swiftie1878 · 08/10/2025 08:57

Shelia5 · 08/10/2025 00:16

He’s told me he’s not happy and doesn’t want to be with me. I’ve asked is it me what is it and he said he’s just not happy and nothing I did or didn’t do. He’s been probably crying more than me about how he’s sorry and how bad he feels having to not be with me. I’m super confused, the only thing I’ve gauged is that he’s done this in every relationship but what’s new he has given me the kindness to tell me and break up rather than drag me through the mud like his other girls.

I have given all options in the 24hrs for the relationship to be worked on and he doesn’t want it. I’ve said I’ve got to have respect for myself and he can’t have access to me in any way if that’s the case. He said he still wants to be there for me if I’m down and wants me to know I can come to him. Which I’m also confused about why would you want that when your have walked away. Apparently he still loves me, cares deeply and didn’t mean for this to happen which if he’s done this before multiple times surely he knew.

im so confused as our relationship hasn’t been bad. I don’t get why he’s crying so hard when he wanted this to happen like as adults we have a choice.

I think right now I’m looking for advice any advice, feedback literally just anything as I am hurting

wanted to add he’s tried to leave the door open by leaving stuff at mine and saying we will have space and talk later on down the line. Surely there is nothing to talk about

Ah, the crocodile tears trick. Until the new woman is in the bag….

Well done on seeing through this nonsense. You’ve had a lucky escape! Move on, no contact.

AC246 · 08/10/2025 09:08

Well done you.
Lucky escape.
Post the picture and text him never to contact you again.
He is an unhinged user.

Read Women who love too much. By Robin Norwood.

You deserve so much better than this loser.

KittyRannaldini · 08/10/2025 09:09

Man's a cunt. Onwards and upwards.

dicentra365 · 08/10/2025 09:13

KittyRannaldini · 08/10/2025 09:09

Man's a cunt. Onwards and upwards.

I mean, obviously this. Close the door and don’t look back. He’s just trying to keep you dangling as a back up/supporting human in case his next move doesn’t work out.

Puzzledtoday · 08/10/2025 09:14

Shelia5 · 08/10/2025 00:58

It’s hurtful but it’s clear he’s using me and feeding me with crap of “I love you” to stop me from rejecting him also. As soon as I said I’m happy to let go and bye the “ I love you” and “ your amazing” was coming out of his mouth

He is probably scared of being without you, but he can’t have it both ways. Tell him you don’t want to be with him any more and it’s definitely over. It might be kinder to both oh you.

CharlotteLightandDark · 08/10/2025 09:17

He gets his friends and his friends parents to give him financial help?! Wowzers that is truly shameless. That’s so embarrassing.

He’s clearly one of life’s greatest victims and feels entitled to leech off everyone because of it. It’s pathetic really.

PumpkinSeasonOctober · 08/10/2025 09:19

Dump his shit outside in a box and cut all contact.

THisbackwithavengeance · 08/10/2025 09:21

He’s talking to someone else he likes but wants a way back in, if it doesn’t work out. Tell him to eff off.

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/10/2025 09:23

Whew, well done for seeing through the bullshit. Dump his stuff outside/post it, etc, then block, delete, ignore. He might pop up again for a bit - narcs don’t like being seen for what they are - ignore, and get on with enjoying your life.