in thinking I am a bit of a Billy no mates?

[micegg]

Am I the only person maternity leave or a SAHM who doesn't have many (or any ) 'mummy' friends? Now that I have 2 DCs I find it really hard to hold a converstaion with anyone for more than 2 minutes before having to break off to see to one or both DCs. I go to the same playgroups regularly so I am on 'hello' terms but not really friends with anyone. I made friends with DD (alot easier to sit and chat with only one whilst she was very young) but they have all moved away. I don't think its me as I am not particularly shy and I am quite chatty. Its just really hard to break the ice. Just want to know if anyone has this experience as well. Or maybe I need to change my deodarant

Me too! I had no friends near me, let alone mummy friends, when I was on maternity leave. I met a few people when I went to post-natal group, but then I went back to work and lost contact. Have moved to a new area now and have one very good mummy friend I always end up feeling rude when I meet other people but have to run off to stop DS from going into the toilet / kitchen / hitting someone / being hit by someone and end up wondering if I have a devil child, or if it's just me. Or maybe both!

No it's like that I think when you have more than one child to see too!

I struggle to make friends at playgroups as I'm constantly chasing around after my DS while juggling DD in my arms but then the times I do stand there chatting I feel that I'm not watching my DS!

The life of a mummy is hard but I'm hoping it does get easier as it can be very isolating.

I've only got the one child to run after

micegg where abouts are you?

Have you tried taking the initiative and inviting someone over for coffee?
I know how you feel as I have several close friends but they all live at least a half-hour drive away ... there is no one within walking distance, or even a five minute drive. All the people at the M&T group I go to live in the village whereas I live about 3 miles away so don't see them from one week to the next, whereas they are frequently talking about seeing eachother on other days of the week, too.

All I can suggest is that you try and be a bit forward about seeing people; is there a pub that a few people you know go to? Or, like I say, invite one or more families over for coffee or lunch one day.
Good luck

Hi Micegg, it can be really difficult to get passed the hello stage, we moved house one week before dd1 was born and for the first six months it was awful, I did not speak to another adult after dh left for work, until he came home again that night. It nearly drove me crazy then got pregnant again with dd2 and knew I had to do something to meet some other mums so did the rounds of all the mother and baby groups in the area and it took a few months before i made some real friends. Then we moved overseas three months before ds was born so had to start all over again! I find it gets harder as you get older but you have to keep getting out there because no one will knock at your door!

So keep trying you will get there! Good luck.

I think a lot of us have that sort of experience. My NCT ante-natal group gelled quite quickly and we used to meet weekly when the babies were little, but very soon people moved away (several of them abroad) and now only two of us are in the same city. By going to lots of parent and baby groups, I also got to be on chatting terms with lots of local mums - many of whom I still see round and about - but the longer you SAH, the more of your friends from M&B group or wherever are likely to disappear as they return to work.

The other issue for me was age. I am (ahem) an older mum and, just like in any other situation, people tend to make friends with people of roughly their own age. I took a long career break (now ended) but most of the mums of my age went back to their careers quite quickly.

If it's any consolation, I found that the people with whom I really felt some connection have stayed in touch and it's those with whom the only common ground was having a baby of the same age haven't. So I've come out of this with a few good new friends rather than lots of acquaintances. I'm happy with that.

Thanks. So glad I am not alone in this experience. I dont feel sorry for myself. In some ways its quite nice as I am spending loads of time wth the DCs and getting to enjoy my own company which isnt a bad thing. I also have plenty of non mummy friends. I have taken some of your advice and just texted someone I vaguely know to ask if she wants to meet. Playgroups are not always ideal because I spend half my time trying to locate DD (she runs off ) so adult conversation comes second. Its nice to see I am not the only one feeling this way and I not a weirdo after all

meant to say AM not a weirdo!

If you go to playgroups, can you get involved with running it? You'd soon be on closer terms with the others who help out, plus newer mums would come to you for help. Can you suggest a mums' night out for the mums at the playgroup? We used to do this and it was a great opportunity to get talking without interruptions from the children.

I found the NCT much easier because you meet in someone's house and they can't ignore you!

Micegg. I think it is so much harder with two. I was the same and felt like I was missing out on conversations and struggling to interact with other mums with the kids running around and me running after them.
I find it easier to have friends over in my own home. I feel more relaxed and less likely to worry about where the kids are and what they are up to. I hope that your friend you have texts takes you up on the offer. My mummy friends are the only thing that keep me sane so don't give up. Some of the best mummy friends I have are not necessarily the ones I thought I would be friends with straight away, so keep your mind open. I also find that if you start being more open with other mums that they recognise the struggle you are having and probably confess to you their own issues. I think a lot of mums are incredibly shy. I hope things work out for you.

Snap! I have no advice but wanted to let you know I feel the same feel way and you're not alone feel like I'm living my life through mumsnet!

I don't know any other SAHMs.

Thanks again. Glad its not just me. As I said I am not particularly upset about it. I see it as just the way things are for now. In fact we had to stay in all day today to wait for the man from the council to remove a wasps nest from my shed and we had a lovely day. Particualry the bit where DD and DS slept for 2 hours . Gave me lots of MN time. DD is a bit (ahem) spirited shall we say so I really can't take my eye off her at playgroups. That can make conversation difficult. I miss adult interaction but it is just a stage in my life and I am glad its not just me who feeld this way. I live in a small place so I can't even get to the shop and back without bumping into someone I know but its all on a hello basis and not much more. I know I shoudl invite people over but I dont think it bothers me enough to do so. That sounds awful but there is a big part of me that hates the whole play date thing. My house ends up looking a mess and beleive me it doesnt need any more help and the DCs toys end up broken.I really just wanted to see others of you had the same experience. I asked my mum and she saidit was worse for her because there weren't many playgroup type places like there are now. Anyway I will stop ranting. Think I have cabin fever!

have you tried inviting folk to yours during daughters sleep time so u can relax and chat? Does she still have a nap? I have friends that just have babies so dont appreciate what its like chasing after toddler. I usually offer to host when its her naptime so i can relax more and get to know them better.

I was exactly the same but I didnt know ANYONE as we just moved to a new area before DS2 was born.
I go to lots of groups and activities and like you am on chatting terms with peple there but not very very friendly.
I know everyone on here slates it but I found 2 very good friends through netmums! I dont chat on there or even use it usually but it has a local section where you can leave a post to meet up with local mums. I left a post and also replied to a couple of other peoples and I got responses from about 6 people. 2 have turned out to be very good friends and we see each other every week quite often round each others houses so the kids can play together or go in the garden while we have tea and chat!

I was in the same boat as you and felt that I needed to meet people who I found interesting. I was meeting people at Toddler Groups and, like you, having a bit of chit chat. I knew that I needed to bit the bullet and invite people round or arrange to meet, but you feel like you are asking them on a date. One other thing was that I didn't really want to, as they didn't seem that interesting. That sounds awful, but after a year of weekly chat I knew that they were different to me, nice, kind people, just different.

I then made a huge effort to meet more lilke minded people and one of the ways I did this was throught the MN local. We now have a fab group of people that meet up quite regularly. We have been out without kids and that really helps. We chat in the MN local section a bit, so get to know each other a little more without children about as such.

I also had a couple of what i call 'blind Mum dates', where a couple of friends had said that they knew someone who lived near me and we arranged to meet up.

So, now I have a few interesting Mum friends in my life and it is so much better. The fact that DD is now a bit bigger also helps, as at first I couldn't string sentences together due to the fatigue and then had to chance DS around too.

You do need adult conversation when you are at home. Its not just about getting out of the house, but also getting some stimulation for yourself.

I feel exactly like you Miceegg - happy enough to pootle about with my DS but everyone keeps asking me if I have got lots of new mummy friends and I am a bit because I go to lots of groups and chat with people but haven't formed any real friendships.

Just invite someone over for coffee from one of the groups who you say the most 'hellos' to?
Someone has to make the initial big step of asking to go for a coffee..... otherwise all you do is say 'see you next week at playgroup', and off you all go to same old daily routine.

Surely everyone is in the same boat, concentration-wise, and should understand having to break off every now and again.
Can't you deal with X problem with whichever child, whilst still finishing your sentence(s)? That's what I do, and most people I know. Much better to be doing that, chatter chatter, getting ricecake out of bag, chatter chatter, performing cartwheels..... etc....
Much less irritating than stopping mid-sentence to wipe little darlings nose....

(I moved 6mths ago, and post-natal groups are non-existant here, so slightly lonely, all my friends are now on email rather than down the road, but I now make the effort of driving half an hour to the nearest city where there are people to meet, and social life is slowly picking up. Next step- ask someone over!)

it's funny so many people are saying it's hard when you're an older mother and all the other mums seem younger.

In my area it's mainly either older mothers or very young mums and as i'm in my mid/late twenties i find myself stuck in the middle, not fitting into either category. There's hardly anyone of 27 with a 2 year old toddler round here

micegg I felt very similar to you when my ds was little. My nts coffee group all went back to work and I didn't go often enough to the local playgroups to make friends I think. I was quite lonely quite often. We moved and it got a bit better but I think in retrospect I think the mothers with a good network are just much more organised. I th ink you have to just take numbers call people up, arrange to meet for coffee, invite the nicest over, ask people what other activities they do etc. It sounds hideous but the mothers I know who had plenty of company were much more organised about it and overcame their shyness. I felt terribly shy too and I don't' think any of it is easy!
But the thing that helped the most was joining the committee of my favourite playgroup. I'm sure it won't be easy with 2 but it does mean you get extra time with those mums and they're often the generous ones if they're volunteering.
I'm an older mum too and about to have another! I slightly dread the coffee morning thing because I fear people might think I'm granny not mother and won't want to be friends with me..... but we'll see...

Totalmisfit- I am 27 with a just 3yr old DS...! plus a 6mth old DS..... just a pitty I live in Holland!

But, but it may depend on the area, when in the UK (til 8mths ago) I did not really find it a problem. When you get to a certain stage in your life, it matters not if there are 1,2,5 or 10yrs between you, it's about shared experiences. One of my very best friends now is a good 10yrs older than I, but she has two boys, of similar age, and we just have a lot in common.