My marriage is on its knees. No real support or appreciation from DH. I do almost everything. I’m the main breadwinner, I have a side business that I’m gradually building despite working full time, I do most of the childcare and life admin. He does some cleaning and the bins and half the bedtime routine with our child.
He works all week and most weekends and has the odd day off during the week. He persistently lets me down in relation to time off for school holidays (he leaves it too late to ask for leave because he’s scared of his boss - and then the leave inevitably has already gone to someone else).
He has no boundaries in relation to our child and no respect for those I try to keep in place. He’s never helped with homework. He doesn’t drive and never learned. He drinks most nights (not particularly heavily). He has no real drive or interest in life. He may be depressed but won’t see help. There’s zero intimacy in our relationship - my choice.
I’ve begged and pleaded for change. I’ve gone above and beyond for validation that never comes (or is half hearted). He makes no effort on my birthday. This year he just cut up my cake and gave some to our child, without even adding any candles. I feel persistently abandoned and betrayed by him. Maybe I’m being dramatic…
I want to split up but the reality is that if we do, my life gets harder. I can’t afford to stay in our home. I’d have to buy a small one bed flat. I’d get no help with the bedtime routine (which is LONG and I already work long hours, plus our child can’t sleep alone so he sleeps with him. I’m a very light sleeper and couldn’t handle this every night). I’d get no help on the weekends when he is off work. Id get little help with school drop-offs and pick-ups. I’d have to pay all the bills on my own. And the likelihood is that he would swan off and enjoy his freedom, whilst I would be left holding it all. And the idea of that makes me furious.
So my question is, would it be unreasonable to stay - at least whilst our child is young - but to simply check out emotionally? To decide to stop looking for change, appreciation, validation, a shared vision, and just accept that for now this is effectively a business arrangement? I’m so so so tired, I couldn’t do it all on my own and I have no close friends or family nearby to help. Our child is wonderful but demanding and I think if I were to ask DH to leave I’d just be swapping one set of problems for another. He’s not a bad person. He’s friendly and kind but I just feel so angry and disappointed and alone. Maybe if I have zero expectations of him, I won’t feel this way anymore?
In some ways this idea feels liberating. I already feel less exhausted as it’s like I’ve just decided to drop a very heavy weight.
It’s not ideal but life isn’t like the movies and right now I think practicality needs to take priority.
I’d be grateful for thoughts - especially from those who have tried this approach.