Would you accept this maintenance/access arrangement?

[Halloweeeeeeeeen]

Name changed as posting for a friend, will try to keep details vague.

My friend’s ex is supposed to have the children 3 nights a fortnight (informal arrangement not court ordered), he is very unreliable and often fails to have them when agreed, excuses are usually due to work, social life or hobby. He has now submitted a claim to CMS that he is having them more often which conveniently takes him over the threshold to exactly 104 nights a year (which would reduce the maintenance payments). He is pressurising my friend to agree to this, he has refused to have the kids if she does not agree.

What are her options here, have any of you dealt with a similar situation? Am I being unreasonable to say they should go down the route of getting a court order?

well, he doesnt really have the kids if hes unreliable anyway. Its not fair on her dc to be constantly let down, so I would tell CSA he is lying.

Not sure i understand. He is asking her to tell CMS that he has the kids more than he actually has them? Why on earth would she agree to that?

Just tell them he is lying?

Can she provide a list of days/times he has had them in the last year to prove it?

If he is prepared to cut all contact with his kids over this, then he doesn't sound Dad of the Year. Certainly not worth bending to his blackmail attempts.

Guessing he was abusive/controlling and that's why they split?

Does she have a CMS claim in the first place? Why on earth would she lie to them to reduce the maintenance?

Tell your friend to put in her own claim, why would he want to claim, surely he knows it’s his ex that pays the maintenance or maybe he doesn’t and thinks it’s paid by the government. I would definitely not lie for him and hope your friend has kept details of when he has had the DC and kept copies of texts/messages with his reasons of not having them.

Sorry if it wasn’t clear but he currently pays maintenance, he thinks he is paying too much so has told CSA he is going to have the kids more which takes him up to 104 nights to get it reduced, he does say he intends to have the kids more but yes he is unreliable for the days he currently has.

I think he was hoping my friend wouldn’t realise what he was up to because I can’t for the life of me think why she would or should agree to it. She does want him to have access but is fed up of being let down at a moments notice and of course the effect on the kids.

he is not abusive, it seems to be purely about the money

Exactly, this is what I have said, why on Earth would she agree to that! I think he was pulling a fast one.

It depends really. How much does she need the money? How much would the children benefit from seeing him more often? How damaging to their parenting relationship would it be to say no? How would she cope having all of the care as her responsibility and relying on whatever he would have to pay?

Sometimes, which morally wrong, it’s easier to look at a more pragmatic picture.

So he isn’t having them the 76 nights per year, which he agreed to but hopes to pay less by telling the CSA that he is having them more than that, he sounds lovely, no wonder he’s an ex.

Financial abuse is a form of abuse.

He’s trying to control and blackmail your friend through money.

Think that comes under the definition of abusive…

Personally I wouldn't agree to this and would advise your friend to start keeping a record of when he does and doesn't actually have the kids. If she has any messages showing how often he has missed then definitely keep a copy of these too.

Yes I suppose that’s true 🙁

She needs to email him, outlining exactly what he's proposing, what he's said, what his threats are. Then every time he misses contact, she needs to make a note of it. When, where, what was said. This is exactly the kind of dickhead who will wait for her to do all the hard work raising the kids then sweep back into their lives as a Disney dad with a made up story about why he's been absent and how thats mum's fault, and she needs to ignore all the people who say 'rise above it" and stockpile evidence so that when a child gets to an appropriate age and if they levy an accusation at her, she will have the proof. Letting children believe that their terrible parents arent terrible doesn't help anyone.

If he is adamant he wants access with or without these extra nights, is my friend best to tell him to take it through court? She really wants him to have access but they are at loggerheads. I’m sure he will be telling everyone she won’t let him see the kids.

Right now, from what you’ve said, she just needs to tell the truth to the cms, and keep a record of when he has the children to provide as evidence.

I think he is trying it on, and trying to maintain control whilst financially controlling your friend. If she agrees he’ll continue. If she doesn’t play, he’ll either get bored and go away, or escalate. In which case court might be an option.

She tells CMs that he is supposed to have them 3 nights a fortnight but often doesn’t as that’s the truth

thats all she has to say

Tell him "when you have them regularly for 104 nights a year I'll be happy to tell CMS that". And tell CMS exactly how often he actually has them.

He's not really going to see the kids more if she agrees to this than if she doesn't is he? This is just him making her the bad guy for his decision to stop seeing the kids, and not wanting to pay for them either. Those are his choices and she isn't responsible for them.