Early relationship dilemma...I don't want children, but he might?

[sherbertlemon92]

Hello! First time posting. I’ve been dating someone for about seven weeks. We are both in our early/mid-30s, and I really enjoy talking to him and spending time together. I think he feels the same about me. I don't often meet people I feel genuinely drawn to so the whole situation has taken me by surprise.

Because of chronic illness stuff (details don't feel relevant so I will skip them), I don’t realistically see myself having children in the future. There’s a bit of nuance there in that it’s not absolutely impossible, and I still hold on to some hope about it, but it would likely involve complex medical, biological, legal, probably financial hurdles, before even reaching the point of actually raising the child. I’ve made a kind of sad peace with the reality that it probably won't/can't/shouldn't happen.

He seems to lean the other way. I don't think he is completely and unequivocally desperate for children and it clearly isn't entirely non-negotiable yet (as we are still talking), but it seems to be something he’s always imagined for his future. When we talked about this recently, he said would try to do some serious thinking about it.

I can't help but wonder if I am being selfish even agreeing to this, i.e. asking him to consider whether this is something he could accept long-term. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What was the outcome? Is it fair to even put him in this position?

He's an adult and entitled to make his own decisions. Which he does appear to be doing by thinking seriously about it
Don't infantilise him by deciding you need to make his decision for him.

Equally, you may wish to consider the possibility that he might be fine with it now and then change his mind in 10 years, when he'd still be able to have children, but you'd then have to find a new relationship. You can't guarantee that people will do, or not do, anything, when you're looking years into the future.

As long as he's completely aware that it probably isn't an option for you then it's his decision to make. Just make sure he knows not to push you if you are totally sure.

"When we talked about this recently, he said would try to do some serious thinking about it."

So let him. It's only been seven weeks and if you feel you should put your cards on the table vis a vis children now then fair enough, but let him then think about it for a while. If you're sure it is what you want then stand firm - you've given him the information, and he's a grown up, so let him decide what to do with it.

If someone spoke to me about children after dating for seven weeks I would run a mile... but then I guess we are all different. I have cheese older than your relationship in my fridge.

It is my experience that plenty of friends were ambivalent about having children, until they hit their late thirties. Every singe couple (who could) then had children.

So, if you carry on with him, it's possible he will get a stronger desire to have children even than he does now.

I think if its something he's always imagined for himself then its going to rear its head at some point. What's his relationship like with his own family? Does he have siblings? Does he have involvement with nieces / nephews etc? If he loves the family lifestyle kind of life then he will probably want that for himself some day. Good to have these conversations now before things get too entangled.

I think you just need to decide if you want to actively pursue children.

its not even about him, its about the fact that you biologically have limited time to make the decision anyway, compressed further by the level of effort to make it a reality.

I know its scary to decide you want them and the reality it may not happen but you ought to decide to give yours either the best chance of conception or earlier peace.

Then it's his issue to resolve and decide on. You're 95% decided you're at ease with your childfree status quo. Just let him make his own decision.

But this is not a decision that happens once, and that's it. He's in his early/mid thirties. Things can change a lot over the next few years.

I met my partner in our mid thirties and she wanted children and I didn't. We decided we wanted to be together anyway and both agreed to consider the other's point of view. In the end, to my surprise, we ended up having two. There's not really a compromise between having them or not, but we'd decided there were many other worthwhile things about the relationship that meant it was worth pursuing anyway, and if we hadn't had the children that would also have been fine.

Because it's this way around (I.e. the man who wants kids) then I don't see why there's such a rush to decide. Can't you just date for a while and see what happens? It's different when it's the woman because she's wasting her fertile years, but in this situation I don't think either of you need to decide right now.

I mean, I suppose? But also, my womb isn’t the only thing with a shelf life!...I am a human being with emotions and attachment and a life calendar and a general interest in not spending my prime years just "seeing what happens"....

Yes of course, but in the very early days of a relationship you're always just seeing what happens, no? You never know how things are going to work out.

I think it’s better to get this clear early on than to get to the point of commitment and then find out you are on different pages. No one should go into a committed relationship with someone in the hope they’ll change their mind, either way.

I think I would call it a day because I’ve known people to say it’s ok only for it to become a massive deal breaker a few years in.

I was in a similar position when I met my (now) DH when I was 34 and he was 30. I was upfront with him pretty early on that I couldn't have children because I'd had to have a hysterectomy when I was 29. I realised fairly soon that having a family was very important to him when he started to talk about adoption. For a long time I resisted this because I'd never wanted children due my awful relationship with my own parents. I think the reason our relationship survived despite our differing views about parenthood was that DH was always clear that he was 100% committed to our relationship, whether or not we might, at some point, agree that we wanted to adopt. Anyway, to cut a long story short, we married and, several years later, adopted siblings aged 7 and 5. I hope that you and your BF will also be able to reconcile your competing desires re parenthood.

In your shoes I’d finish it.
He’s not going to miraculously and suddenly not want kids. If you know this is something you can’t or won’t offer, set him free.

I disagree with that. If you dont have a biological need to fulfil (children) then you dont really have prime years in the same way.

You can travel now, with this lovely boyfriend and have lovely memories to cherish, and you can meet a new partner and have new happy memories in 10 years time.

kids or not, noone is promised forever.

I was in a similar situation years ago (potential health issues that I believed might impact my ability to have kids and therefore had talked myself out of wanting them). I had a couple of relationships with lovely men who were considerate of my situation and I was honest and up front so entered into the relationships in good faith, but ultimately they fizzled out I think because part of them was always on the lookout for a better option, and part of me was always worried about that. Ten years later I actually do have DC now, but my DH is someone I was absolutely certain was in it for the long haul either way, and already had his own DC from a previous marriage and it was a huge relief not to feel like I would potentially be taking that away from him.

@SillyQuail "DH is someone I was absolutely certain was in it for the long haul either way, and already had his own DC from a previous marriage and it was a huge relief not to feel like I would potentially be taking that away from him."

I think this comment is very relevant. A man who already has children is usually far less inclined to start again or burden himself with more responsibility. But at mid 30's and never having had kids, the OP's boyfriend is highly likely to change his mind after she's devoted 5 or 10 years to him.

I just wouldn’t want to risk any mixing of money or marriage which is mixing money. I would just end it, too big a thing to have different opinions on. It’s early days so much easier at this point.

I think you need a reality check (in a nice way)

You’ve been dating for 1 and a half months. You’ve told him you are 99% sure kids aren’t on the cards for you.

He is an adult and can decide what he wants to do, why would you be selfish

@ginasevern exactly - I always felt highly vulnerable going into relationships knowing that I potentially wasn't the "full package" my exes were hoping for. And in the end my DH was in fact open to having more children if I wanted to try but wouldn't have been disappointed if we didn't have any, which completely took the pressure off me and gave me a chance to figure it out for myself so it was a win-win