At the end of my tether......

11 replies

MyHonestPlum · 07/10/2025 11:02

This is my first post so apologies if it just seems like a ramble. I will do my best to make sense....
A year ago my dd dad was arrested for Threats to kill, criminal damage and abh against his partner at the time. My daughter is 7 amd we left him when she was 2.5yrs old due to mental and emotional abuse that started shortly before she was bborn.The final straw was being called in by the nursery concerned she was withdrawn. She has been flourishing since we left so I am certain I made the right decision. However its not been am easy process. He made no effort to sort himself out or be a positive influence in his daughters life. He has drug and alcohol issues. I trusted his mum to be there when she saw her dad on the rare occasion he could be bothered. I have no support network amd they are aware of this. My family live 350 miles away amd I have just stayed here because I didn't want to take my dd away from her dad's side of the family. For the past 4.5years I have tried to establish a steady routine that suits everyone, they go months without calling or checking in to see if she is OK. Since her dad has been on bail/in prison there's been no offers to assist financially and my daughter is now going without and being left out of holidays and such. I feel like I've had enough trying to pander to them. I feel absolutely mugged off and that we are better off 350 miles away with my family. I'm just scared to make the jump. His mum is protesting his innocence knowing full well what I had gone through. Just enabling him to carry on without consequence. If I ever mention moving away I get accused of taking his daughter away but then there's no effort for his daughter. Am I unreasonable for wanting to cut all contact and leave? Hope this makes sense lol

OP posts:

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 07/10/2025 11:09

Go to where you have your own family support. Don't discuss it with ex family beforehand, then they can't give you grief. It's funny how these abusive men only get interested in their children when the ex partner looks like getting away from their control.
Your daughter deserves the love and support from your family that she's missing now. And so do you.

PullingOutHair123 · 07/10/2025 11:14

This is an easy one - move. I wouldn't discuss it with her fathers family, just find a place near your family and go. I certainly wouldn't prioritise the relationship with his family over the relationship with mine.

I don't know if you have any legal obligations to tell him where you have moved to, but he sounds the sort to shout about it for a while and then get bored. If you do need to tell him, only do it after you have gone.

crappycrapcrap · 07/10/2025 11:17

Very simple just move. They can say and think what they like. You're trying to hold onto something that isn’t there.

childofthe607080s · 07/10/2025 11:22

Just move

I mean do you really want him near her?

Daleksatemyshed · 07/10/2025 12:01

Your ex sounds like a vile, dangerous man, why would you even want him to see your DC. Quietly get everything set up then move, don't tell any of his family, just go. I'd bet money they won't even notice for ages

kittenkipping · 07/10/2025 12:43

it’s a simple choice from my perspective. Better a strong familial network with her grandparents and potentially aunts/ uncles / cousins, and friends than an intermittent and dangerous dad with enabling disinterested grandma. I’d move without question, and I’d tell them nothing until the move was made and settled. It seems that you retain a sense of FOG from your ex and his family. You don’t owe them anything and nor should you feel any guilt for putting you and dd first

nomas · 07/10/2025 12:53

I agree with everyone, move but do not tell him you're moving. Don't even tell your dd.

Endofyear · 07/10/2025 14:07

Just leave. Your DD will be much better off within your own family network and away from her awful father and his family.

Elsvieta · 07/10/2025 19:00

Go, and don't give any of them your new address. He won't change.

Zempy · 07/10/2025 19:02

Move. Don’t discuss it with anyone who doesn’t absolutely have to know, like removals people.

Tell DD you are going to visit Granny/Aunties. Then just stay there.

Nocookiesforme · 07/10/2025 19:12

Honestly? Just go. People get so hung up on parental 'family' and think they're doing the best thing trying to keep a relationship alive that actually is no good for the child concerned. You've said it yourself - that she IS flourishing without his influence. You can continue this with the support of your family. Being a parent is a gift not a right and your gift to your DD is to give her the stable upbringing she deserves. If her father really cared then he would have changed wouldn't he? And do you really want an 'apologist/denier' as a family influence? Move and move now - you don't have to tell them where you are and he won't care anyway.

Flip