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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Year 4 DD friendship issues, unhappy every day

16 replies

SomeLikeitSnot · 07/10/2025 10:10

DD comes home from school every day unhappy and talking about falling out with her friends. They seem to fall out and make up within the day but she comes home every day upset about it.

I know this is part of being young (shes 9, in year 4) and I know she isn't perfect- she can be bossy and stands up for herself and can be stubborn. We have talked about letting things go, trying to smooth things over rather than arguing. I have asked friends when shes with them (playdates, parties/sleepovers) what shes like and they say honestly she is lovely and not argumentative or difficult so I don't think its just her.

How do I manage this? Listen to her, reassure we still love her and encourage communication and nice interactions? Do I email her teacher and see if there are actually issues or if this is normal year 4 girl life?

I just feel sad for her- for the first time she mentioned wanting to move schools and it broke my heart.

OP posts:

CuckooPond · 07/10/2025 10:21

If this is literally every day, yes, I’d email her teacher for another pair of eyes on the situation.

Or, if you know the rest of the group’s parents, I’d message and ask whether their children are also regularly coming home upset about fallings out.

Plugsocketrocket · 07/10/2025 10:21

Honestly I do think it is her, if it happens that much.

I was a leader in an all girls group for years and the bossy, argumentative, outspoken girls came up against this until they learned to resolve their differences by being assertive and not aggressive. Being bossy is not assertive, it is overbearing and domineering, it is not conducive for cooperation.

Obviously in our group we tried to teach and model these skills with the children but it takes time.

comoatoupeira · 07/10/2025 10:21

would you call a boy bossy?

Plugsocketrocket · 07/10/2025 10:23

comoatoupeira · 07/10/2025 10:21

would you call a boy bossy?

Boys tend to operate more with physical aggression than bossiness but yes obviously boys can attempt to dominate others too.

Original poster

SomeLikeitSnot · 07/10/2025 10:24

Or, if you know the rest of the group’s parents, I’d message and ask whether their children are also regularly coming home upset about fallings out.

I know some of the parents and they report the exact same.

at DDs party one of the girls kept going off, and asking to see different kids one by one as she was upset (for no reason). I think it was a bit of an attention thing, which we sorted and got her joined back in but I think its that kind of behaviour.

would you call a boy bossy? of course I would if they were being bossy!

OP posts:

Original poster

SomeLikeitSnot · 07/10/2025 10:26

Honestly I do think it is her, if it happens that much. I do worry about this and obviously I only get one side of the story. But objectively she is very kind, I've seen her at events/places where shes including others and being kind so shes not just a difficult rude bossy child. They all think their game is 'the best' at this age!

I think I will email the school to check. If nothing else if they say shes the issue I can deal with it better, if not hopefully they can keep an eye

OP posts:

Plugsocketrocket · 07/10/2025 10:30

Honestly I do think it is her, if it happens that much. I do worry about this and obviously I only get one side of the story. But objectively she is very kind, I've seen her at events/places where shes including others and being kind so shes not just a difficult rude bossy child. They all think their game is 'the best' at this age!

For sure but if you are around children of that age you do see certain personalities attempting to dominate, it is just their temperament that they haven’t moderated at that young age but it does result in conflict that obviously they don’t like coming back at them. It is definitely teachable to get them to notice the part they are playing in the conflicts and better cooperation skills are teachable too.

Original poster

SomeLikeitSnot · 07/10/2025 10:34

@Plugsocketrocket yes we do that- go over why the arguments happen. She has a book that she borrowed from the library on friendships which I also encourage her to read. I think it comes down to three of the girls being very similar in personality so it causing a clash.
But for example on of the girls yesterday told DD she was 'giving her chances' to be her friend. When DD asked why she said 'thats one chance gone if you keep asking all three will be gone and we will never be friends'

Normal kid stuff but just showing its not just DD being unreasonable!

OP posts:

Plugsocketrocket · 07/10/2025 10:39

SomeLikeitSnot · 07/10/2025 10:34

Normal kid stuff but just showing its not just DD being unreasonable!

That makes sense. Hopefully you get it sorted. It sounds very difficult for your DD.

FuzzyWolf · 07/10/2025 10:49

Go and have a chat with school and look at it as an opportunity to look at your DD’s characteristics that could be causing this to happen and it continuing to repeat. If there really aren’t any and it isn’t your DD (it could be another child in there or just that the particular personalities clash) then I would change schools.

BengalBangle · 07/10/2025 10:51

YABU to be asking her friends what she is like!

Bushmillsbabe · 07/10/2025 10:52

DD1 is now year 5. Last year was full of drama, and other parents said same, I think it is a feature of that year speaking to others with older ones. Year 3 was fine, year 5 has been fine so far. Particularly if it's a smallish school, they have all been with same children since reception and quite frankly, have had enough of each other, it was particularly noticeable with those who didn't have many outside friends or interests. They mixed up the classes going into year 5 and that has brought new friendship options and there has been no issues at all.

I wouldn't be asking DD's friends about her though, it's a bit awkward and unfair putting them on the spot, and you probably won't get an honest answer, they are hardly likely to turn around and tell a child's mum 'your child is a mean/horrible etc' are they!

Original poster

SomeLikeitSnot · 07/10/2025 10:57

sorry I haven't asked any of the children about it at all, only DD. sorry if that was unclear I wouldn't ask them obviously!

OP posts:

ApplebyArrows · 07/10/2025 10:58

SomeLikeitSnot · 07/10/2025 10:24

Or, if you know the rest of the group’s parents, I’d message and ask whether their children are also regularly coming home upset about fallings out.

I know some of the parents and they report the exact same.

would you call a boy bossy? of course I would if they were being bossy!

I think people in general are a less likely to call out boys for bossiness. This is sometimes spun as we shouldn't do it for girls either - but the reality is there are an awful lot of obnoxious arrogant young men who might have ended up rather nicer if they'd been properly called out on it as kids.

Original poster

SomeLikeitSnot · 07/10/2025 15:03

I think kids that age are still working out social norms, how the world works and that life doesn’t revolve around them so a bit of bossiness is normal and just needs gentle correcting. DD is fine at home she isn’t particularly bossy even with younger siblings!

OP posts:

twistyizzy · 07/10/2025 15:06

Went through exactly the same with DD in Yr 9. Small school so hard but we talked about toxic friendships and she eventually distanced herself from these "friends" and started making friends with a girl she had not previously liked. She's now Yr 9 and BFF with that girl even though they go to different secondary schools.
I think Yr 4 can be a transition year for friendships as they start finding out who they are.

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