To be worried about how DC1 (age 4) will adjust when DC2 is born?

[mlnmama]

I’m expecting Baby No2 soon and, while I’m really excited, I can’t stop worrying about how my daughter will cope. She’ll be nearly four when he arrives and I’m a SAHM so we’re together all day, every day, and she’s my little shadow. I know she’ll be fine with DH (and my mum’s coming to stay while I’m in hospital so things run smoothly), but I just can’t picture having to give her less attention once the baby’s here.

I think what’s making me more anxious is hearing stories like from my SIL. When she had her second, her eldest (a bit younger than my DD will be) really struggled after she’d been in hospital for a few days. Apparently he was quite distant and didn’t really want to go near her at first, wasn’t interested in playing with her, and in her words it seemed like he almost felt “betrayed” (by being left without mum? by giving attention to the new sibling? We’re not sure). I can’t get that out of my head. The idea of my little girl feeling like that just breaks me a bit.

I’m not really after reassurance that I’ll be fine, I know we’ll get there, but I’d love to hear other people’s experiences. How did your older one adjust? What helped, what didn’t? Any small things that made them feel included or special? I know the usual advice: gift “from the baby”, don’t be holding the newborn when they visit for the first time, but are there any less obvious things that made a difference for you?

I have a similar age gap and have found getting my DC1 involved as much as possible is helpful, fetching nappies, singing songs to the baby … so that it’s something we do together.
I was worried DC1 would want to be a baby, breast feed again etc. but they seemed proud of being older. We do sometimes play a game that they’re a baby though and that seems to be soothing.
Also letting DC1 talk about all the hard things about being an older sibling, I ask what the good things and bad things are and let them go into a lot of detail about the bad things.
Strictly enforcing property rights too. For now if the baby’s playing with any of DC1’s things and DC1 minds, I take it away from the baby straight away, no questions asked. They can choose to share if they like but it’s not taken for granted. I’m assuming we’ll
negotiate this as they grow older.
Good luck!

@Tryingtomakesenseofit2025
That’s really lovely advice, thank you. I like the idea of getting her properly involved so it feels like something we’re all doing together rather than me constantly being pulled between them. I hadn’t thought about the “property rights” thing but that makes so much sense — I can imagine it really helping her feel secure and respected, especially at the start.

Does she attend preschool? If baby is due soon, its probably a bit late to start now.

My best tip is making sure she has something ready to go before you are feeding etc. Right next to you if that what she wants... Reading a book curled in the sofa, having a tea party, doing a craft activity etc.

Some sort of sling. Bonus points if you can feed in it if breastfeeding (memories of chasing a 2yo around a splash part while simultaneously breastfeeding a 3mo!)

How independent is your DC? I've worked with a couple of families in my career and the children that had the most independence adjusted better. Just, small, easily achieved things like knowing where the snacks are and being able to get one (this could be their own drawer in the kitchen or just that you bring a snack through to the living room with you before you sit down to feed the baby), having a drink on hand, knowing they can fetch their own clothes and toys and access the toys and games they'd like to play with. It made a huge difference because they were used to doing it before Baby and so didn't feel like they were being pushed out in the same way.

Build this up gradually and definitely make no mention of the baby when doing so. Don't make them think you won't look after them because you've got a new baby! Just "you're so clever and capable, we thought you'd like to choose and make your own drinks"

I also know some people who put together a special box of toys that only come out when the baby is asleep as a special "Mummy and XXX Time" thing.

On property rights, I'd also suggest that as soon as possible, the baby is given things that can be shared with your daughter - that your daughter might want to borrow (interesting sensory building blocks, Duplo, a sensory ball). That way, she isn't the only one having to share.

And also tell her even now that you love her and adore her and that that will never, ever change.