Staying In this relationship

[ThatCoralBee]

Part of me wants out but I don’t think I can do all the unravelling that would need to happen. How long do you give it?
Been married 20years, grew up in very Christian circles so no partners and married young, kids young etc. Very different now.
I’ve always been adventurous, travelled the world, and he was always happy to tag along. Very hands on with kids in the younger days. But he’s become more and more isolated over the years and is so unmotivated sitting back and letting me do everything. Will drive about to school and activities, will do basic laundry, meals. But makes no decisions. About anything. Ever.
ive been very ill- cancer treatment, other chronic illnesses and long term impacts on my body. I’ve gone from unable to walk this year to working myself up to functioning and back to work etc. it’s been incredibly hard. He’s been physically present and kept the teens going when I’ve been in hospital or unable to do much. I keep saying how he’s held the fort and I need to give him compassion for that. He has. To a degree. But my parents have very much stepped up, feeding us, staying the weeks I was in hospital. He took over 3 months off work at the worst part and still let them do the heavy lifting.
I work senior job and do consultancy. We have a nice quality of life because I work a lot and have done loads of education etc to get to this stage. He has had periods of unemployment and while in secure job now lacks drive and ambition. He has no hobbies. No friends.
I just feel totally drained by him. He’s put on so much weight his back went a few weeks ago and he required 2x ambulances and fire brigade to get him out of the house. The children were distraught watching it all. Verdict- muscular. He has done no physio or any of the things recommended. Due to be going on a big trip in a few weeks and he is hobbling around. I’ve done all the planning, paying for it etc. and I doubt he will hack the pace at all.
I could go on. Part of me wants to separate, but he can be nasty. We would likely have to sell the house, and I have some money tucked away from a critical insurance payout that im pretty sure he would go for half off. I likely won’t be able to work to retirement. I need that money. I can’t bare all the stress to work it out. And I can’t bare more stuff for the kids to have to deal with. Some days I think just keep going as is. Other times like this weekend when I took him to concert of his favourite band, fancy meal out etc. he didn’t even thank me. I’ve tried conversations, I get very defensive responses or just not engaging. He might be depressed. But denies it and won’t do anything about it. What to do?

I think you already know what you need to do OP. This man is sucking the life out of you. He brings nothing to the family, financial, spiritual or emotional. He is nothing but baggage.

The question is how you go about doing it. How old are your children? It sounds as though money isn’t a problem but you might need to wait until your children are through critical periods of their life such as exams etc.

Keep focusing on the future and working towards it. You will be free of him eventually.

You need to get proper advice from a solicitor and a financial adviser.
But most of all, you need to leave. He will be the death of you.

How old are you @ThatCoralBee ?

I ended my marriage when I was 41, just over three years ago. We had been together since I was 20, married since I was 27. So 21 years together in total. Two small DC. He was always pretty selfish and had anger issues but became unbearable after children. I stayed well beyond what I should have. I had no family support when I left. I am very lucky that I have a good job and was able to buy him out of the family home and keep our standard of living relatively consistent although I went from nearly mortgage free with a second home to managing a whopping mortgage solo. It can be done.

Leaving him was very hard - he made it as hard as possible. I look back now and can’t believe I didn’t have a nervous breakdown. It sounds like you may be the around same age as me but the kids are a bit older? Could you manage financially, whether via downsizing or with family help, even allowing for having to pay him some of the insurance sum? I had to do it completely alone with two young kids and a very stressful job - if I can do it so can you.

I would highly recommend getting legal advice so you can weigh it all up. I just blurted out that I wanted to separate and exH went completely psycho and drained all of our accounts. I don’t regret my decision for a second - sometimes I feel reflective and miss parts of the life that we had, and I feel sad about it but I feel lucky to have my kids and grateful for the second chance I’ve been given. My life is peaceful now. I used to have insomnia and anxiety from the stress of living with ex H - I sleep like a baby now.

While I have some money saved and invested not enough to give him half and do anything house wise. It’s around 100k. We would probably have a deposit each after selling this house. But it would be a downsize. And house is currently adapted for my health needs so doing that again would be costly. I suspect money would be long gone with some cushion for more time out of work. My family supported a good size deposit when we got married but no legal protection to that as young naive nonsense of marriage forever. So it would cause a significant financial change to separate and left with pressure to have to work full time I imagine to afford it. Which puts pressure on the illness parts.

kids are all secondary level- pretty much exam years back to back for next 5 years. Eldest very anxious after my illness. Other 2 neurodiverse so that comes with challenges too. I think in my head I had decided get them to uni age then separate but that’s a long time. I wanted to give him some space to get his head in gear after a few traumatic years. But I know in my heart nothing is actually going to change there. But I don’t want to cause more trauma for the kids.

thank you for that point about the accounts etc. while he’s uninterested and passive he has a nasty enough streak and can be very cutting. Doesn’t come out often but it’s there. He can have a bit of twisted view on things at times too. His family are horrible people - they don’t offer him any support or relationship either. But I suspect if his back was against a wall and I made noises about separating he would likely do something like drain the accounts. I think I need to get my things in order and have some legal advice and be ready for what will happen. I don’t think there’s an easy quick fix or it would have been done already.

It’s going to be hard, but soooooo worth it.
Sending hugs. 🩵

Do you guys have a joint account and 2 separate accounts or do you just have a joint or separate? If you do have a joint account and 2 separate I would start taking money out of the joint accounts and putting it in the separate one so that you at least have all little money for divorce/other needs.

I hope it goes well for you. Like @Swiftie1878said sending hugs 🩷

Mixture of joint and separate. At the height of my illness I made sure he had access to everything in case I died. But actually I need to sort that out and restrict that again.