A friend wants to see me too much

[StrawberrySunflower]

I have a friend I have been friends with for a decade. She’s a fairly loose friend never really been a ‘best friend’ in my mind. She’s nice and polite etc but I’ve always felt I was friends with her because of social expectation rather than really enjoying her company. For many years we haven’t spoken or seen each other a lot, and suddenly she’s asking me to visit her every two weeks. I’m on maternity leave so she knows I’m free. Unfortunately I feel she’s possibly a bit lonely and looking to become closer friends again. I do feel sorry for her at times and I do wish her the best.

To be honest I don’t have enough to say to her to spend the whole afternoon with her every two weeks!
I don’t want to hurt her feelings and I feel awful trying to put her off each time. She’s not a bad person and hasn’t done anything wrong! However If she comes to mine she outstays her welcome and I’m sat with a crying baby trying to make small talk.
I’m not a big ‘friends’ person, I find socialising exhausting and want to spend my time on my baby and my immediate family. I’ve always been this way and whilst seeing friends now and then can be nice I don’t want this intense of a friendship.

Just keep saying you have family visiting/baby class booked etc. maybe put a date in the diary in 8 weeks time if you want to see her but not as regularly.

Well you can keep making excuses and hope she gets the hint, but if she’s the type to overstay her welcome I doubt she will.

The older I get the more blunt I become - I recently told a friend that I don’t want to commit to meeting up that often as I have other things to do and other priorities. Actually she took that pretty well, she asked how often I did want to aim to meet up, I told her, we’ve now settled into that new pattern.

But obviously only you know how she’s likely to react to that. If she did get offended it doesn’t sound like her friendship would be much of a loss to you so maybe worth the risk.

It definitely does sound like she’s trying to make “mum friends”. She knows you’re on maternity leave too and she most likely is just trying to make the effort to gain a close mum friend as like you say, she’s a bit lonley.

I don’t necessarily think she’s doing anything wrong but I also can understand your side. I’m the sort of person that struggles/doesnt want to let anyone else in. I’ve got a few close friends, I’m busy, I’m happy with my own company so I’m not out here trying to make lots of new friends. I’ve spoken to mums at groups and have been for coffee after groups but not wanting to gain friends that pop over etc.

I would say you are best off being honest with her or if you don’t know what to say I would just explain you’re really busy and perhaps take time to reply and gently fade into the back ground.

You need to be blunt and say maternity leave is for you to bond with baby before you go back to work so you won't be able to meet up with her.

Just to be clear she’s not on maternity leave, has no children and isn’t in a relationship. Nothing wrong with that of course! Just in a different place to myself.
I really appreciate your reply as I feel similar myself not wanting too many close friends as it makes me feel suffocated!

Oh right, well I think more the reason to be honest and say you’re busy. Sorry, for some reason I assumed she had a baby too I must of misread!

enjoy your maternity leave with your baby, it’s a shame she’s lonley but you seem content with your friendship circle and you aren’t responsible for her life / happiness / friendships.

I don't get why you're friends with someone who's company you don't enjoy? You've kind of been leading her on a bit!

If you're not willing to be honest with her, just keep making excuses until she gets the message.

@Springflowersyay i think this is my current plan. I was seeing her probably once a year alongside other mutual friends until now which was of course fine. It’s just the intensity I can’t cope with.

@TralalaTralalee im glad that the honest approach worked well for you! I did something Similar a while ago with another friend who wanted to text me every day about my day and see me every week on my day off- it really didn’t go well. She did have some mental health problems. So I am a bit anxious to do that again, but I think you are wise to say it’s the best course of action.

i’m thinking I might be going along the lines of that I’m quite busy at the moment with my baby and my family (which is 100% true anyway) and maybe have a date for a month or twos time. If she still doesn’t get the hint then I’ll have to be more blunt!

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots
i actually really agree with you! Why do I do it?
I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or be a horrible person. I’ve always a tried to be polite and kind without giving her the impression I want to be best mates! I’ve seen her maybe once a year at events we have both been invited to (mutual friends weddings etc) for the last ten years. I’m not sure she does actually think we are close I just think she’s lonely and looking for a friend.

@Ttcno2thisber
haha it’s alright! I think if she did it would be a bit easier to hang out together as we would be at the same life stage!

thank you <3 I have a bit of eldest daughter syndrome and do tend to think other peoples emotions are my responsibility when I know really they are not!

OP, when you have a new baby you have to mind yourself.
You can be kind but you cannot be minding random people.
Thats how women get burn out.
Baby, you.....thats your top priority.
I have tremendous friends, but I love being by myself.
I am now very honest, some days I just don't have the bandwidth to be with people, thats it.
Another day.
It's ok to be this way.
I find my stress levels soar if I ignore what I need. So I am careful to do so.

Why don’t you want to upset her and rather yourself being upset? She clearly wants to fill her time knowing you are more available. This is your time for your baby, so you don’t need to feel obligated to meet her. I bet you will hear less from her once you’re back at work.

I’ve always felt I was friends with her because of social expectation rather than really enjoying her company

Then you shouldn’t be friends with her. Friends are supposed to be people you like and whose company you enjoy. Friendships are supposed to be fun, not a duty.

It amazes me how often people on Mumsnet are friends with people they don’t really like.

Just say no. You’re not free, you’re on maternity leave. You have a new baby. That’s intense and very busy. Just start making excuses when she asks saying you need a rest because you have a small baby. You are tired, baby is teething, baby is cluster feeding, all very exhausting parts of maternity leave. You have other plans already etc etc she will get the picture.
I’ve had to ghost one or two over the years because they didn’t take the hint and seemed to get more attached and pursued more.

You could just be honest and say that right now you’ve had a baby, and her thinking that you being on maternity leave gives her entitlement to your time is unfair and frankly exhausting. You’re struggling to engage with her with a new baby and it’s just a lot right now. You have never had this level of friendship before so you’re unsure why she suddenly wants this now. Please can she contact some of her other friends if she’s feeling a little lonely because you need to heal from birthing and raising a baby and you’re simply not ready for this level of social interaction with someone you’ve never been close to. You wish her well but you can’t be that friend for her right now. You need to put yourself and your new baby first.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support! Some really great advice here and I really appreciate it :)
I an a chronic people pleaser and find these kinds of situations so difficult, it’s hard to put my own needs first.
I have messaged my friend, said that we’re are busy at the moment with baby classes etc. I haven’t given her a date for another meet up at the present time.
kept it bright and breezy and she has just accepted it.

I think someone said she’s only wanting to see me because she thinks I’m ‘free’ - it’s not really about me and it’s about her needs.

thanks again everyone it’s been a weight of my mind <3