CHATGPT Epiphany - if you’re a woman, you’re born, you work like a slave, you die.

[Andthedivorcecameoutofnowhere]

Following an enormous row with “D”H about why I’m so moody and always tired and why I never go the gym, I asked ChatGPT to write a list of things I do at home. I work FT, but he works 15 more hours per week than I do. But he spends way more time on his phone and socialising and goes gym in the day so I think his extra hours are because he’s unproductive in the day. Salary is similar but I WFH for a company but still he thinks I’m just chilling at home.

Based on the list which is mostly accurate (he does about 5 things off that list - holiday planning stuff) I think I should walk out the door and never look back. Obviously not all things are every day jobs but a load of them are everyday jobs, especially like cooking, cleaning, laundry. But my brain is always switched on a stressed all the time about never ending list.

Being a woman is so horrible. It was horrible for my mum, horrible for my nan but they didn’t have FT jobs too and we kids helped out. Just feel so shit today, like you’re born, you work like slave and you die.

CHATGPT’s LIST

The cognitive labor (the "mental load")

1. Anticipating the household's future needs.
2. Noticing when a household item is running low.
3. Maintaining a mental inventory of food and supplies.
4. Adding items to the shopping list.
5. Monitoring the expiration dates of food and medicine.
6. Knowing the family's schedule of appointments and events.
7. Researching new products, services, or family activities.
8. Coordinating everyone's schedules for events and appointments.
9. Making decisions based on household needs.
10. Developing household systems, such as for storage or cleaning.
11. Remembering personal details for family and friends' occasions.
12. Creating and managing a household budget.
13. Remembering where items are stored.
14. Monitoring and replying to the constant stream of school communications, emails, and app notifications.
15. Building and maintaining friendships with other parents to facilitate playdates and social connections for the children.
16. Proactively scheduling and coordinating playdates, social events, and get-togethers with other families.
17. Keeping a detailed log of upcoming school-related social activities, such as birthday parties and school events.
18. Buying, wrapping, and labeling birthday presents for children attending parties, ensuring they align with the child's interests and the event's theme.
19. Managing the logistics of transporting children to and from birthday parties and social gatherings.
20. Planning and organizing children's own birthday parties, from the guest list to the activities and party favors.
21. Planning and organizing holidays and family celebrations.
22. Managing the guest list for events.
23. Coordinating travel arrangements and packing lists.
24. Remembering family members' needs for gifts.
25. Deciding on the family's meals for the week.
26. Monitoring the progress of household projects.
27. Evaluating the effectiveness of household routines.
28. Remembering to follow up on household administrative tasks.
29. Ensuring household bills are paid on time.
30. Managing household service providers and contractors.
31. Deciphering instruction manuals for appliances.
32. Anticipating the need for household repairs.
33. Researching household insurance policies.
34. Deciding what to get rid of and when.
35. Monitoring household energy and water usage.
36. Remembering to test smoke detector batteries.
37. Deciding when to replace household items, like towels.
38. Anticipating future seasonal cleaning tasks, like cleaning the chimney.

The emotional labor

1. Managing interpersonal dynamics within the family.
2. Remembering and acknowledging special occasions.
3. Offering support and a listening ear during difficult times.
4. Mediating disagreements between family members.
5. Acting as the primary emotional support for the family.
6. Maintaining family harmony.
7. Managing one's own emotions to maintain a peaceful environment.
8. Responding with patience to stressful situations.
9. Anticipating and responding to a family member's mood.
10. Making family members feel seen and valued.
11. Encouraging good behavior in children.
12. Being available for emotional conversations.
13. Fostering positive relationships among children.
14. Offering emotional guidance.
15. Creating a feeling of warmth and welcome in the home.
16. Sending cards for birthdays and holidays.
17. Planning family bonding activities.

The cleaning and organizing (including deep cleaning)

1. Wiping down kitchen countertops after each use.
2. Loading the dishwasher after meals.
3. Emptying the dishwasher.
4. Doing the dishes by hand.
5. Emptying all household trash bins.
6. Taking out the recycling.
7. Making the bed daily.
8. Tidying up common areas, like the living room.
9. Sweeping the kitchen floor.
10. Wiping down bathroom sinks.
11. Hanging up towels to dry.
12. Fluffing couch cushions.
13. Picking up clutter in each room.
14. Vacuuming all floors and furniture.
15. Changing bed linens.
16. Scrubbing toilets, inside and out, including under the rim.
17. Deep cleaning the shower or bathtub.
18. Mopping all hard floors.
19. Wiping down the exterior of kitchen appliances.
20. Deep cleaning the inside of the microwave.
21. Dusting all surfaces, including furniture, shelves, and baseboards.
22. Cleaning mirrors and windows.
23. Deep cleaning the oven, including racks and glass.
24. Wiping down the inside of the refrigerator.
25. Cleaning kitchen cabinets, inside and out.
26. Decluttering closets and storage areas.
27. Washing curtains and blinds.
28. Organizing and reorganizing kitchen cupboards.
29. Cleaning ceiling fans and light fixtures.
30. Disinfecting doorknobs and light switches.
31. Organizing and tidying up the garden or yard.
32. Scrubbing grout lines in kitchen and bathrooms.
33. Dusting and wiping down the tops of all kitchen cabinets.
34. Cleaning and disinfecting trash cans.
35. Defrosting and cleaning the freezer.
36. Cleaning the refrigerator's coils and vents.
37. Cleaning the washing machine and dryer, including the lint trap.
38. Vacuuming all air vents and replacing the HVAC filter.
39. Deep cleaning upholstered furniture.
40. Washing or dry-cleaning curtains and drapes.
41. Wiping down and cleaning all blinds, slat by slat.
42. Cleaning all window tracks and sills.
43. Washing all walls and baseboards.
44. Cleaning the area behind the toilet.
45. Removing items from under beds and cleaning thoroughly.
46. Flipping and vacuuming mattresses.
47. Washing or steaming pillows and duvets.
48. Cleaning and organizing all closets, drawers, and storage spaces.
49. Cleaning all household cleaning tools.
50. Spot-cleaning any stains on carpets and upholstery.
51. Organizing household cleaning supplies.
52. Disinfecting electronic items like remotes.
53. Removing all books and items from bookcases.
54. Dusting the books one by one with a duster or soft cloth.
55. Wiping down each bookshelf with a damp cloth.
56. Replacing books and items back on the bookcase.
57. Removing light covers and washing them thoroughly.
58. Wiping and dusting all parts of the light fixture.
59. Replacing light covers.

The children

1. Getting children up and dressed in the morning.
2. Supervising and monitoring children's safety.
3. Bathing children.
4. Washing children's hair.
5. Ensuring children's oral hygiene by brushing teeth.
6. Changing diapers for infants and toddlers.
7. Helping with potty training.
8. Getting children to and from medical and dental appointments.
9. Administering medicine and managing illnesses.
10. Supervising and monitoring children's sleep schedules and naps.
11. Getting children ready for bed.
12. Managing children's behavior through discipline and guidance.
13. Developing schedules and routines for children.
14. Providing emotional support and a calming presence for a distressed child.
15. Reading to children.
16. Planning and engaging in age-appropriate play with children.
17. Arranging interactive toys, puzzles, and games for mental stimulation.
18. Organizing children's arts and crafts projects and play.
19. Supervising children's interactions with each other and friends.
20. Packing children's bags for outings, school, and trips.
21. Researching and purchasing children's clothes and toys.
22. Ensuring children's toys are safe and age-appropriate.
23. Noticing when clothes and shoes no longer fit.
24. Sorting children's outgrown clothes and deciding what to do with them.
25. Storing outgrown clothes in labeled boxes for future use.
26. Creating separate piles of clothes for charity donation.
27. Dropping off clothes at the charity shop or collection point.
28. Going through all children's toys to determine what to keep.
29. Deciding which toys are in good enough condition to pass on or sell.
30. Disposing of broken or unsafe toys responsibly.
31. Tidying and organizing the playroom.
32. Cleaning and organizing all toys, including washing or sanitizing.
33. Checking and replacing pens, markers, and other art supplies.
34. Keeping up with schoolwork and homework, including supervising and assisting.
35. Developing schedules and routines for children.
36. Tracking children's developmental progress and addressing concerns.
37. Communicating with teachers and other caregivers.
38. Monitoring and replying to the constant stream of school communications.
39. Maintaining friendships with other parents to facilitate playdates.
40. Keeping on top of all school-related social activities and dates.
41. Buying, wrapping, and labeling birthday presents for parties.
42. Worrying about children's health, social life, and performance at school.
43. Worrying about providing a nurturing and stable environment.
44. Managing one's own emotions to provide a calm and supportive environment.
45. Anticipating and responding to a child's mood or emotional state.
46. Ensuring the family spends quality time together.

The wardrobe management (for the entire family)

1. Taking all clothes out of a closet to assess them.
2. Sorting clothes into distinct piles: Keep, Donate/Sell, Store, Repair, and Trash.
3. Deciding whether an item of clothing is still needed or worn.
4. Trying on clothes that are rarely worn to determine if they still fit and are flattering.
5. Checking for holes, stains, or damage in each item of clothing.
6. Taking clothes that require repair to a tailor or mending them.
7. Making a list of needed wardrobe items to replace worn-out clothes.
8. Organizing clothes by color or style within the wardrobe.
9. Implementing new storage solutions like drawer dividers or shelving.
10. Rotating clothes seasonally to keep the wardrobe manageable.
11. Folding and hanging clothes to prevent wrinkles and save space.
12. Ensuring each family member's wardrobe is a functional and organized space.
13. Packing away out-of-season clothing into storage boxes or bags.
14. Evaluating accessories like scarves, belts, and bags during decluttering.
15. Managing the seasonal clothing rotation for the entire family.
16. Cleaning and dusting wardrobe interiors and drawers.

The meal preparation

1. Deciding what to cook for each meal.
2. Planning the weekly menu.
3. Making a comprehensive grocery list.
4. Driving to and shopping for groceries.
5. Transporting and putting away groceries.
6. Storing ingredients properly to maximize freshness.
7. Preparing ingredients (washing, chopping, etc.).
8. Cooking the meals.
9. Preparing school lunches.
10. Handling and storing leftovers properly.
11. Preparing specific meals or snacks for children.
12. Baking treats or special-occasion foods.
13. Setting the table before meals.
14. Clearing the table after meals.

The laundry and clothing management

1. Gathering all dirty laundry from around the house.
2. Sorting clothes by color and fabric.
3. Loading and running the washing machine.
4. Hanging clothes to dry or moving them to the dryer.
5. Removing dry laundry from the machine.
6. Folding clothes neatly.
7. Ironing clothes.
8. Putting away clean clothes in closets and drawers.
9. Washing bed linens and towels.
10. Washing delicate items by hand.
11. Removing and washing shower curtains.
12. Pre-treating stains before washing.
13. Taking dry cleaning to and from the cleaners.
14. Repairing minor clothing damage.
15. Deciding what clothes to keep, donate, or throw away.
16. Organizing clothes for the next season.
17. Replacing lost buttons.
18. Organizing and tidying the laundry room.
19. Keeping track of laundry supplies.

The household administration

1. Monitoring household inventory and restocking.
2. Managing communication with contractors.
3. Developing and enforcing household rules.
4. Managing important household paperwork and warranties.
5. Ensuring all family members have access to necessary supplies.
6. Addressing and resolving household problems as they arise.
7. Managing the family's schedule and calendar.
8. Planning and organizing home renovations or moves.
9. Coordinating pet care, including vet appointments.
10. Developing emergency preparedness plans.
11. Handling communication with schools and other institutions.

The dog-related care and worry

1. Anticipating the dog's physical and emotional needs.
2. Monitoring the dog's food and treat supply.
3. Researching the best type of food for the dog's age and breed.
4. Ensuring the dog's vaccination schedule is up-to-date.
5. Booking and managing routine and emergency vet appointments.
6. Administering daily medication or supplements as required.
7. Observing the dog for any unusual behavior, sickness, or injury.
8. Making contingency plans for the dog's care if the owner becomes ill or travels.
9. Budgeting for routine and unexpected veterinary expenses.
10. Purchasing or renewing pet insurance.
11. Keeping the microchip information updated.
12. Grooming the dog, including brushing, bathing, and nail clipping.
13. Cleaning the dog's ears and teeth.
14. Playing with the dog for physical and mental stimulation.
15. Arranging interactive toys and puzzles to prevent boredom.
16. Providing a safe and comfortable space for the dog to rest.
17. House-training the dog and managing accidents.
18. Managing the dog's behavior through training and consistency.
19. Socializing the dog with new people, animals, and environments.
20. Worrying about the dog's well-being and happiness when leaving the house.
21. Monitoring the dog's anxiety levels.
22. Comforting the dog when it is scared or anxious.
23. Monitoring the dog's interactions with other dogs and people.
24. Ensuring the dog gets adequate daily exercise.
25. Taking the dog on walks and runs, carrying and disposing of waste.
26. Deciding on dog-walking routes and being aware of the surroundings.
27. Using a leash and being mindful of other dogs and people.
28. Managing the dog's diet and preventing obesity.
29. Keeping harmful human foods out of the dog's reach.
30. Providing plenty of fresh, clean water.
31. Protecting the dog from parasites like fleas, ticks, and worms.
32. Managing end-of-life decisions and grief.
33. Researching and coordinating care for pets with chronic health conditions.
34. Ensuring the dog is safely restrained during car travel.
35. Responding to the dog's unique needs and emotional cues.

Christmas

1. Planning and budgeting for all holiday-related expenses.
2. Planning and coordinating festive social events and gatherings.
3. Scheduling dates with friends and extended family for holiday catch-ups.
4. Booking any required holiday get-togethers well in advance.
5. Updating the Christmas card list with current addresses.
6. Writing and sending out Christmas cards.
7. Buying stamps and ensuring cards are posted in time for holiday delivery.
8. Developing a Christmas gift list for friends, family, and other recipients.
9. Researching and buying gifts for everyone on the list.
10. Purchasing emergency spare gifts in case of unexpected presents.
11. Planning and coordinating a Secret Santa gift exchange.
12. Ensuring all online Christmas shopping is done early enough to guarantee delivery.
13. Wrapping all gifts, including purchasing wrapping paper, tape, tags, and ribbons.
14. Organizing all the Christmas decorations and determining if new ones are needed.
15. Getting the Christmas tree, whether a real tree from a farm or an artificial one.
16. Decorating the tree and other parts of the home, both inside and out.
17. Coordinating the taking down and storing of all decorations after the holidays.
18. Planning the full Christmas Day meal and any other holiday feasts.
19. Creating a detailed grocery list for all holiday food shopping.
20. Booking a supermarket delivery slot in advance to avoid last-minute queues.
21. Purchasing non-perishable food items early to spread out the shopping.
22. Doing the final fresh food shop in the days leading up to Christmas.
23. Cleaning out the fridge and freezer to make space for festive food.
24. Organizing nibbles and appetizers for guests to enjoy.
25. Preparing dishes and ingredients in advance to save time on the day.
26. Baking Christmas cookies, cakes, and other festive treats.
27. Preparing meals to cover the entire holiday period, including Boxing Day.
28. Making sure there is enough crockery, cutlery, and seating for all guests.
29. Getting extra bedding and towels ready for any overnight guests.
30. Ensuring there is plenty of soft drinks, alcohol, and ice for entertaining.
31. Setting the table for Christmas dinner.
32. Worrying about catering to different dietary requirements and tastes.
33. Worrying about creating a "perfect" or magical Christmas experience.
34. Managing the "Elf on the Shelf" and other traditions involving children.
35. Arranging for the kids to write their letters to Santa.
36. Setting out treats for Santa and his reindeer on Christmas Eve.
37. Filling and arranging Christmas stockings.
38. Creating or filling Christmas Eve boxes for the family.

Thank you for the Fair Play recommendations. I will buy this today and pray he actually engages with any of it. Yes, a ChatGpt list was never going be a good idea. I was trying to articulate the things in my head, the mental load I feel weighed down by. But the list had some silly parts too.

I’m depressed and miserable and it’s no doubt the list feels worse to me than it probably does to someone who isn’t depressed or doesn’t feel like they are treading water to survive every day.

Yes you feel this way but you need to step back and manage that . Feelings are not facts you are generating the feeling.

This!

Whe did the activities of life become tasks that have to be worried over and achieved? Many of the things on the list were simply things that I'd do without listing or thinking about them.

Maybe I'm making a curry and notice the fenugreek is 4 years out of date so I chuck it out and put fenugreek on the shopping list (which is perpetual and hangs in the kitchen). Or maybe I don't write in on the list and mentally curse myself next time I'm making a curry. Either way, no big thing, no need to make a task of going through the cupboard and checking the dates and quantities of every spice and herb.

Maybe dh is having a shower and notices the shower gel is running out. He puts it on the shopping list. Or maybe he doesn't, but then his problem if it runs out (I always have loads more options that I can use).

Birthdays and anniversaries go on the kitchen calender at the start of the year. Job done once, it's not exactly a hardship to glance at the start of each month for a reminder. If dh forgets to buy his siblings a card or present - his issue, not mine.

There were so many duplicates on the list, and I notices that a couple of them started with the phrase "worrying about..." ffs, when did worrying about something become a task or responsibility.

So many things are either dealth with by routine, or maybe they don't need attention at all:
Remembering where items are stored - how big is your house, if you can't remember that?
Managing household service providers and contractors - easy the window cleaner turns up each month, I wave to him and say thanks (paid by direct debit); cleaners turn up, do the cleaning, I say thanks and see you next week (paid by direct debit).
Anticipating the need for household repairs - gas boiler is on an annual maintenance contract, the rest is "shit the washing machine's broken"

And many of the things on the list were just plain ridiculous...
Evaluation the effectiveness of household routines - wtf!
Deciphering instruction manuals for appliances
Vacuuming the air vents and replacing HVAC filter
Dusting the books one by one with a duster or soft cloth

I couldn't even read the rest, but thanks @Andthedivorcecameoutofnowhere for giving me a laugh. Next time dh asks if I've had a busy day, I'm going to reply with some of these examples

I get it OP. Ignore the pedants. I hope you find a way to get through to your husband. And try to find a way to drop the wifework.

it's only wifework when you make it wifework.

That's what is so annoying, women lose credibility and right to complain when they are the ones creating the problem and the drama.

Of course it's just an example, but how often do you hear a dad complaining about the mental weight of having to remember to fluff the pillows! And frankly, half the dads I know are more house proud or "kitchen proud" than their own wives 😂

@Andthedivorcecameoutofnowhere sorry, I just wanted to say I wasn't laughing at you, or the situation you're in. I see it is unbalanced for you