I’m sorry this is going to be long and probably makes no sense, my head’s all over the place. I just need to get it out somewhere and I don’t have anyone to talk to who won’t just roll their eyes or tell me I’m being dramatic.
My DS is 14, nearly 15, and he’s supposed to have a knee operation on Friday. It’s been planned since summer, he dislocated it last year during PE and it’s never been right. He’s in pain constantly, it clicks and sometimes locks so he can’t walk properly. Consultant said he needs it done before it causes more damage. It’s meant to be a straightforward day surgery thing, but he’s saying he’s not going. Completely refusing.
He’s got contamination OCD, it’s taken over our lives. It started about a year ago, maybe a bit longer, around when I think he started getting anxious about everything after Covid stuff and school pressure. Then it became constant handwashing, and not just washing but scrubbing. He won’t touch light switches, uses his sleeve, and gets upset if I forget and touch something he thinks is “dirty”.
He won’t eat food unless I unwrap it in front of him, and only if I’ve washed my hands in a certain way that he has to watch. If he thinks I’ve touched something wrong, he throws the food away. He’s lost weight, I can see it in his face. I’ve tried to make him see the GP about it but he gets panicky and won’t come in the building. I went on my own and they referred us to CAMHS back in February, but still nothing. I keep phoning and they keep saying we’re on the list. I looked into private therapy but it’s like £80-£100 a session and I just don’t have that.
I’m a single mum, it’s just me and him. His dad left when DS was 5 and lives down south somewhere with a new family. He pays some maintenance but it’s not regular. He sent £50 last month and said he’d “see what he can do” next time. I work in a school kitchen, part-time, and the pay’s rubbish. My hours got cut when they brought in agency staff. I’m behind on the gas bill again and still paying off a payday loan I stupidly took last year when the washing machine broke. So private therapy is just not happening.
Anyway, the surgery. He was ok about it at first, or at least pretending to be. We went to the pre-op and he was quiet but fine. Then last week he started panicking about hospitals being “full of bacteria” and that the air is dirty. He said he can’t sit on the bed or touch the walls. Tonight he told me flat out he’s not going, that he’ll run away if I make him. I said he can’t just not go, he needs this done, and he said he’d rather live with the pain than “get infected”. I shouted. I know I shouldn’t have but I just snapped. I told him he was being ridiculous and that people are waiting months for surgery and we’re lucky to even get a date. He just started crying and shut himself in his room.
Now I’m sitting here crying too, feeling like the worst mum in the world. I shouted at him when he’s clearly terrified. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I can’t force him into the hospital. He’s taller than me now and when he digs his heels in there’s no budging him.
He says if he has to go he wants to wear gloves and a mask the entire time, take his own blanket and pillow, and use his own water bottle. He said he’ll refuse food and won’t use the toilet there. I tried to tell him the staff will be careful, everything’s sterile, but he keeps saying “you don’t understand Mum, you just don’t get it.” He’s right, I don’t.
I’ve been trying to keep things clean at home but honestly I can’t keep up. He makes me wipe down everything with Dettol wipes before he’ll touch it. My hands are cracked from bleach. The house smells permanently of disinfectant. Sometimes I just give up and let him think things are “safe” when they’re not. I know that’s probably making it worse but I’m so tired. He gets angry if he catches me out though, says I’ve contaminated everything.
We used to be close but now he barely talks to me unless it’s about cleaning or something he needs. I can’t even give him a hug because he says I’m not clean. That broke me. He used to be such a cuddly boy.
I know people will judge but sometimes I just let him stay in his room with his phone because it’s easier than fighting. He spends hours watching videos about germs and cleaning hacks. I know I should take his phone off him but it’s the only thing that calms him. He’s obsessed with “medical facts” now and reads all these forums that make it worse.
I feel like I’ve failed him. My mum says I’m too soft and that I’ve let him “rule the roost”. Maybe she’s right. I used to think I was doing ok as a mum, but now I’m just surviving. I dread waking up because it’s just another day of arguing and cleaning and trying not to cry.
I don’t even know if cancelling the surgery would help. What if the OCD just shifts to something else? But forcing him to go feels cruel. If he freaks out in the hospital and refuses treatment we’ll just look like idiots. I can’t handle more people judging me. Last year when he had his MRI he refused to go in the scanner and the nurse looked at me like I was useless. I ended up crying in the waiting room.
I’ve tried everything people suggest. Breathing exercises, talking calmly, rewarding him for trying things. Nothing sticks. He’s so rigid in his thinking. I know deep down it’s not his fault, but when I’m tired and he’s shouting that the washing isn’t clean enough I just lose it. I said something awful last week, I told him I wish I’d never had him when he was screaming about the bathroom being “infected”. I didn’t mean it but I can’t stop replaying it in my head. He just looked at me and went quiet. I apologised straight after but it was horrible.
Sorry this is such a mess. I’ve not eaten since lunchtime, I just don’t have the energy to cook anymore. Half the time it’s just toast or whatever’s easy because he won’t eat “contaminated” food. The kitchen looks like a crime scene from all the wipes and gloves and sprays.
I don’t know what the right thing is. AIBU to cancel until he’s had help, even if that means he’s in pain for longer? Or should I somehow push through and get him there, even if he hates me for it? I’m scared he’ll just shut down completely. I’m scared full stop.
Sorry if this is rambling. I just needed to write it all down somewhere. I honestly feel like I’m drowning.