How do I fix my marriage?

[ToraMama]

I really fucked up. I got myself into debt a few years ago and my husband paid it all off. I then got myself back into debt again. I have bipolar and ma very impulsive with money which I k own isn’t an excuse, just an explanation. I have offered to leave, I wouldn’t take anything I’d just leave. He doesn’t want that, he says he loves me and I’m his wife and he doesn’t want to divorce. But he won’t look at me. I have entered into a debt management plan so have essentially black listed myself with credit for the next 6 years. I’ve got a promotion at a job I don’t particularly enjoy so can pay it off quicker. But he just seems to hate me. He won’t come to bed, we haven’t had sex in months. We can be having a nice evening talking about something random then all of a sudden he will just bring it all up and start having a go. I don’t know what to do. I love him and he says he loves me but I feel so alone right now, he doesn’t want anything to do with me but also doesn’t want me to leave. I just feel really trapped. We have 2 kids together. He doesn’t help me around the house at all and feel like I can’t bring anything up to him as he has this trump card now so we’re just existing together.

What’s your plan to stop this happening again?

I’ve given him complete control of all the finances. My wage gets paid into our joint account now so he can see everything that’s going in and going out. I’ve cut up all my credit cards but now I’m on the dmp I can’t access them anymore anyway.

Give him time.

You can’t live like this. If he’s insisting that the marriage continues then he needs to find a way to stop punishing you. I suggest you both have relationship counselling to find a way forward.

Hi op
Dh was very similar.
We did the same as you with joint account. He transfered a small agreed amount to separate basic account as his spending money - it is a cash card so he physically has to withdraw the money.

He gave me complete access to his credit report that now pings my email if there are any changes.

We had to get counselling asarriage wouldnt have survived without it. I understand how it had happened but I couldnt get past him sabotaging our future without counselling

OP, he’s still there, and he doesn’t want you to leave. But you’ve done it twice, and he is obviously worried. You’re doing all the right things - now, you just need to be nice to him, and sit it out. You need to show him that you have learned from this and can be financially responsible- maybe write down everything you spend. He just needs to know that you are addressing the situation - I know you’ve cut up your cards, which is a great start, but you need to demonstrate that you are taking responsibility. The fact that he’s still there indicates that he will come round eventually.

He will also be living with constant fear that you will do it again

Tbh I’d advise him to leave you. I’d just give him time to see if he can move past it- nothing you can do now will change this.

He must be feeling hurt, let down, terrified, fed up etc etc …
it’s awful that the debt was run up a second time
But compulsive spending can be an illness
you’ve done the practical things - the debt management stuff,
but you will need to address the cause of the compulsive spending - is it emotional regulation / impulse control / low mood / dopamine seeking / trying to feed low self esteem -
seek therapy or addiction behaviours support to identify the cause and work on the risk of this happening again
if u get on top of this problem your husband will be able to work on processing what’s happened- otherwise how can he ever trust you ??

We have marriage counselling booked for next week. I just miss him so much. We are 2 people living together separately atm and it’s awful. I know I’ve really messed up but I did offer to leave and he doesn’t want me too but I don’t know how much longer I can continue to be punished.

You are quite focused on the impact this is all having on you …
I think you need to accept your compulsive spending has been a massive problem and you are very lucky that he has not taken u up on your offer to leave,
put your efforts into working out why you have been addicted to spending - work out how you are going to address that underlying cause - that is what will have the biggest impact on r reconnecting with husband

Saying u don’t know how long u can continue to be punished is not fair ——
he’s not the problem
he’s the rescuer
be realistic
he might love you as a missus and a mum but I bet he really don’t like your behaviour

I think you should get relationship counselling. You need a safe place to both say how you feel about what has happened and how you will cope going forward. He is naturally very upset with what you have done but can't keep throwing it back to you when anything else goes wrong.

I’m really trying. I’m doing 100% of the housework, I’m paying 80% of the bills, I’m doing all I can to make his life easier and make him feel valued and wanted. I can’t change what I’ve done but in trying to do what I can to change my behaviour going forward.

He's punishing you for having bipolar, unless you came off your meds and ignored any pleading from him, he's being unfair. Are his working hours that much that he can't pull his weight around the house? I can't help feeling that there's other signs, ehen you are on a high, that he's chosen to ignore. How supportive, going forward, he is going to be needs to be part of the counselling. What worries me is that the counsellor won't have experience in couples, were one has a MH issue and it won't be if much benefit re positive changes.

Fuck me x post. It should be 50/50 housework and proportional bill contributions. Do you have time to address your health and have down time?

We are ships in the night. We both work shifts but work around other for child care. We get 2 days together every 2 weeks bassist that’s if.

I’m doing more because I’m trying to prove to him how much I want to be in this.

The marriage counselling is a wise move, it’s great you’ve got that booked in. I hope he is open to embracing that opportunity to rebuild trust.
I’d be wary that his punishment doesn’t end up bordering on emotional/financial abuse though. You shouldn’t be paying so much of the combined bills unless you earn much more than him. And he should be contributing to his fair share at home too!
You’re not totally at fault for your past behaviour, you have a mental health condition that leads to erratic and irresponsible behaviours like overspending, but you’re holding yourself very accountable. Hopefully he will be open to learning to trust you again, you’re clearly trying very hard to repair the damage that’s been done.
Is there any resources you can seek out for your behavioural patterns with your bipolar, to help manage future cycles? Being in a DMP is not the saving grace, that’s just a temporary restriction on taking out new credit, but if you’re in an episode again, will that lead to other self destructive behaviour patterns instead? I’d suggest getting support with that if you think it’s needed.
But ultimately you also need to forgive yourself and stop being hard on yourself. You’ve really held yourself accountable and that’s very clear to see. We’re all only human, people make mistakes. It’s how we show up after that matters and you’re really trying your best here…