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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seeing too much of my MIL

13 replies

Illhaveacokezeroplease · 05/10/2025 17:53

First I need to say that I get on well with MIL and love her to bits. She helps us out with childcare by looking after our 1 year old and doing the school run once on one week and twice the next to allow us to work. On the week she’s over two days, she will stay the first night and we’ll cook for her etc. and have a nice night in together. We really appreciate the help she gives with the children, she is great with them and it’s always worked well for everyone.

However, this has slowly morphed into her staying over at least 2 nights a week every week (arriving on the Monday and usually not leaving until Weds night at the earliest). I am finding this overwhelming - the house feels full and chaotic, and I feel like it is impacting on mine and my husband’s time together as a couple after the children to go bed. My husband agrees but understandably doesn’t want to upset his Mum or want her to think we aren’t grateful for the help she gives us (just for context, she has always had issues with boundaries/personal space - sometimes turns up for a visit unannounced or stays for hours past the end of any gathering at our house).

AIBU to want to go back to the 1 night every other week?

OP posts:
cannynotsay · 05/10/2025 17:57

You need the help, but not likely forever. Just take it as it is. She’s really giving up a lot to help you and maybe she needs to rest and stay at yours.

LoftyRobin · 05/10/2025 17:59

Yeah it's a lot to keep going back and forth. You need the help and probably cant afford it otherwise so just have to accept that this is how you manage your childcare responsibilities. Your MIL has to live with you nearly half the week to make it work
.

Hurumphh · 05/10/2025 18:08

Surprised at the first couple of replies - you haven’t said anything about it being an arduous journey for hers to yours or anything like that.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all, and I’d prob do it gently and gradually. Say to her, ‘we can only have you to stay on x night next week, as we have other plans to fit in’ (friends round, an appointment, etc) and do that a few weeks until you get back to the normal arrangement. Unless she pushes it, in which case have a frank chat that it’s getting too much.

LoftyRobin · 05/10/2025 18:10

Hurumphh · 05/10/2025 18:08

Surprised at the first couple of replies - you haven’t said anything about it being an arduous journey for hers to yours or anything like that.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all, and I’d prob do it gently and gradually. Say to her, ‘we can only have you to stay on x night next week, as we have other plans to fit in’ (friends round, an appointment, etc) and do that a few weeks until you get back to the normal arrangement. Unless she pushes it, in which case have a frank chat that it’s getting too much.

So MIL should just keep going forwards and back between the houses so she can be on hand to babysit GKs?

deirdrerasheed · 05/10/2025 18:12

Is she lonely?

Hurumphh · 05/10/2025 18:12

You don’t know if she’s next door, same village, or an hour’s drive away @LoftyRobin . It makes a difference, and as the arrangement was clear up front, MIL had the opportunity to say if she wasn’t happy with it. If she’s changed her mind, that should be a conscious conversation, not a gradual eroding of her son and DIL’s space.

LoftyRobin · 05/10/2025 18:14

Hurumphh · 05/10/2025 18:12

You don’t know if she’s next door, same village, or an hour’s drive away @LoftyRobin . It makes a difference, and as the arrangement was clear up front, MIL had the opportunity to say if she wasn’t happy with it. If she’s changed her mind, that should be a conscious conversation, not a gradual eroding of her son and DIL’s space.

Over time, she ages and it becomes more of a toll as you do it week in and week out. I think this is a case where the OP wants the help, but cant pay for it so expects MIL to act like a paid employee, not a family member.

Hurumphh · 05/10/2025 18:18

Again, @LoftyRobin that needs a conscious conversation then. I don’t get a sense of expectation from OP at all, just an understandable frustration that her family space is being eroded. You seem determined to read stuff into this that isn’t there.

LoftyRobin · 05/10/2025 18:20

Hurumphh · 05/10/2025 18:18

Again, @LoftyRobin that needs a conscious conversation then. I don’t get a sense of expectation from OP at all, just an understandable frustration that her family space is being eroded. You seem determined to read stuff into this that isn’t there.

I think that there is an expectation MIL will continue to do the school runs. OP isn't saying "I realise that outsourcing the school runs to her mean that she finds it easier to stay so we will pay for help to do this instead".

ginasevern · 05/10/2025 18:25

Simple answer. Pay for childcare or change your lifestyle, then there's no erosion of boundaries is there. As for "she has always had issues with boundaries/personal space - sometimes turns up for a visit unannounced or stays for hours past the end of any gathering at our house" - it's almost as if she thinks she's family!

Zanatdy · 05/10/2025 18:26

it’s a tough one. She is helping you out, so I think if you want to reduce, then reduce the childcare need, not expect her to go back and forth. If she lives alone, I guess those 2 nights mean a lot to her. I personally would just get an early night on those nights, or go out for dinner with your husband whilst she is around. I’d feel pretty mean stopping it whilst she was helping with childcare.

I know it can feel suffocating at times, my parents helped a lot with DS1 as I was a teenager when I had him. By the time DS2 and DD came along over a decade later I lived 250 miles away and paid for childcare, which had benefits and negatives. It’s likely only going to be a short time, and nice for your DC to have a close relationship with grandma.

Whaleandsnail6 · 05/10/2025 18:27

I would keep quiet...in saying something to her, you sound like you want her help but not her staying around, when in actual fact, it sounds like she is a big help and enjoys being with you all.

If you really don't want her staying every week and could manage without her help, maybe suggest dropping the second week so that she only needs to be there one week, then you have a week just you and dh

SALaw · 05/10/2025 18:38

How did it “morph” into that in the first place?!

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