how to cope with having to have contact with abusive ex

[Nolights]

I feel garbled as I type this so apologies if it's not coherent.

STBXH left earlier this year, he was emotionally and psychologically abusive to the point I thought I was suffering paranoia. He is a pathological liar, however he must be the victim in any scenario. He disappeared from our lives over the summer due to being sectioned after two suicide attempts (section 2). Life was peaceful and I've just been trying to work through the trauma and have begun to realise how abnormal life with him was. He would set up traps, threaten to arrest me, threaten to withhold finances, had an affair, lied so extensively I didn't know what was real with him and wasn't. He'd accuse me of bizarre things like laughing about a child that had died in the news. Since he's left I've found support with his oldest and best friend and his wife. He's shared more lies that EXH has told over the years and I'm shocked and disgusted at what I married and how stupid I was.

We have two DC who I sheltered from the worst of him, they don't know about suicide attempts or sectioning as they're only 6 and 7. He made zero contact from June until the end of august and told his family to not tell me anything either so I was completely in the dark about the extent of what was going on and when/if he'd want to see the kids again. It was horrific not knowing everyday if that would be the day he'd come back. He messaged at the end of August, I replied with my concerns, he disappeared for another few weeks and popped up again saying he'd sought legal advice. I've done the same and they said to start slow, he can have supervised contact or unsupervised with a letter from his psych team which apparently he has.

I just feel physically sick, I cannot deal with this for the next however many years. The thought of having to hear his voice, let him near the kids, it just goes against every primal instinct in me. I can't see how I'll cope having to have him in my life in any capacity. I'm not going to stop contact because legally that's not an option. I think I just need advice about how to cope because this has really shook me.

The reason for his suicide attempt was trouble with work, he was reported by somebody for potentially doing something criminal. I don't know what's happening with that, if it's been resolved or not. When I asked ex what was happening he said it was a malicious lie someone had told about him.

I just don't want to face this. I felt like I was starting to heal and felt lighter over the summer and now I'm back at square one.

OP, have you contacted MASH/children’s service about contact? From what you’ve said this is safe guarding issues, therefore contact should be slow/supervised.

You don’t have to hear his voice, communication can just be emails.

I would also look at contacting Womens aid for support, they’re helpful for this & can give support for you & the children.

Find a trusted friend or family member who is willing to go the extra mile for you and who is not themselves vulnerable. Ask them to act as a third party contact with him, so only they communicate directly with him as little as possible and only to make child arrangements. It sounds essential that you protect yourself and do not have direct contact with him. The third party would also ideally help to facilitate contact sessions, but I would say that you need to call upon any good friends and family who can help get you through this in the short term and it can be reviewed after a bit of time.

if you MUST have direct contact with him then do it through a parenting app, but it really sounds like you need full separation from him to protect your own mental health and ability to parent. best of luck

You chose to have 2 children with him you will not have a choice all you can do now is seek legal advice and stick to written communication