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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

More to the point is dh being unreasonable?

26 replies

MrsFogi · 03/06/2008 22:29

We have 2 lovely dcs under 3yo. Dh is passionate about a sport and therefore leaves me and the dcs two Satudays a month to go and do his sport for the day (and also goes off to do his sport for a week or two a year abroad). Part of me thinks that I can't complain as he was into his sport when I met him but the other part of me thinks it is totally unreasonable to think it is ok to go off this often leaving me to look after the dcs (not to mention feelings about them missing out as he works ft during the week). Any views?

OP posts:

emkana · 03/06/2008 22:31

I wouldn't like it and I would be upset about the children missing out on time with their dad, but I think most MNers here will probably defend your dh.

maidamess · 03/06/2008 22:31

Yes. Take yourself off the other two Saturdays. Sauce for the goose and all that....

Lauriefairycake · 03/06/2008 22:31

so out of the 8 full days a month he is away for a quarter of the time.

Does he encourage you to have your own interest on the other six days or are you generally feeling unsupported?

edam · 03/06/2008 22:35

That's a lot of time he's taking away from the family. I'd say he should scale back a bit. Unless he's training for the Olympics or something... My father had an all-absorbing hobby that took him away a lot at weekends (and worked long hours during the week). I STILL remember the crushing disappointment of running to see him on a Friday night only to find him dragging out the suitcase.

Ilovebunting · 03/06/2008 22:35

Tbh I do think you are being a little unreasonable-he works full time so does need to blow off steam-most dh's would just sit in the lounge and watch the sport while you dealt with the dc's (which is more irritating imo), and at least he's doing something instead of getting wasted in the pub. Make sure sat night/sunday is "family time", or make sure he has the dc's on a Sun morning so you can have some "me time". Compromise is the key! I doubt the dc's will see it as missing out because he works full time-my dd sees her dad one day in every fourteen/twenty one days, and is still perfectly balanced.

Original poster

MrsFogi · 03/06/2008 22:44

I work ft too so although I'd love to say I'm taking the time off I never will as I cherish my time with the dcs at the weekend. He's not training for the olympics and considers that he has scaled back already.

OP posts:

maidamess · 03/06/2008 22:47

Mrs F what is stopping you from taking some time for yourself? Or is it the issue that there is never any 'family time' for all of you together.? If it is the former, just book in some time and go!

Saturn74 · 03/06/2008 22:52

Your DCs are very young.
Could DH scale his sport back to one Saturday a month?
Then you could have one Saturday to yourself.
Leaving two Saturdays a month as family days.

ChukkyPig · 03/06/2008 22:54

I think that YANBU.

But you knew about this when you got together with him and so I think you might have to grin and bear it. However:

Tell him what a fab time you had with the kids on the saurdays he was away. Take them to the zoo and together choose presents for daddy. The children can present them to him spontaneously, all smiles. Take them to the park and get them to draw the 3 of you having fun. They can show the pics to daddy. The children are small, so you can grin and say what a good time you had, and they won't be able to give away that alll you did was go to supermarket or whatever!

Take yourself off one/two of the other saturdays or sundays and leave the kids with him. Make sure you do it regularly. He can't complain as it's only fair.

This two pronged approach may make him think a bit!!

WallOfSilence · 03/06/2008 22:55

Is he a biker? I know a biker who this is normal for. He has a week away at the TT races & a week away for the NW200 races.

Do you have any other help when he is away?

WallOfSilence · 03/06/2008 22:56

and ouch at my terribly bad grammar in that last post!!

Prufrock · 03/06/2008 23:13

I think it depends very much what he is like the rest of the time. My dh goes to every Chelsea home game, but will ensure that the other day of the weekend he spends proper time with the kids - takes them to the park, plays endless board games etc. Which of course leaves me free to do what I want. He also puts them to bed 3 nights on average in the week. If your dh is a bit distant when he is around, or doesn't allow you equal amounts of non responsible time, I can see your point.

DirtySexyMummy · 03/06/2008 23:26

Am going to side with your DH here.

I think it is entirely reasonable, and that having children should not change you as a person, and obviously this sport is a big part of who he is as a person.

It does change your priorities, and as you have already said, he has cut back on the sport for the children, then I think he is being reasonable enough.

Maybe you could organise to have one Saturday a month to yourself, and one as a family?

Chandon · 03/06/2008 23:30

My Dh does the same. I make sure I get some time off too, and the other days we spend as a family "quality time" .

He needs time off, fair enough. But then, so do I:

This works for us,a s it´s more equal this way.

dizzydixies · 03/06/2008 23:34

sooooo has to be golf, my dad golfed every sat and sun morning when we were growing up as well as working full time through week AND going away for golfing weeks during the year

I think he kind of regrets it now as he sees more of his grandson (my nephew) growing up than he ever did of us

does he make up for it on the other saturdays? do you get time for yourself?

CarrieLH · 03/06/2008 23:34

I know how bloody frustrating this can be. My DH works late 3 nights a week then plays cricket all day Sunday (if not working) and/or snooker once a week, plus other odd social committments here and there. To be honest I quite enjoy having my own space, but it does tick me off that his being out means I can't get a proper night out/off myself very often. I don't think it helps his relationship with our DD either and although they are OK, she is more of a mummy's girl on the whole. I feel he resents that but really only has himself to blame. Is this the kind of issues you're having?

purpleduck · 03/06/2008 23:42

I second prufrock

But i also think that being active, and having a good work/life balance is a good example to show children.
Just make sure you show them that as well

I would rather my dc's see a happy daddy who feeds his own soul than one who is pissed off and resentful that he HAS to spend every minute with the family.

mellibob · 03/06/2008 23:44

I think it is bloody unreasonable! Men moan that they need 'me time' to chill after a hard week at work & blah blah blah, but, don't mothers too? But when we say this to them they always reply with "Well go & do something you enjoy then"........... When exactly do we get time to do this??? I have my son all week while he works, then when he gets home i go out to work 4 evenings a week, then at the weekend he usually works saturday & he's either playing golf or tidying his shed or something 'blokey' like that on the sunday!

jasper · 04/06/2008 00:18

I hope you get to do stuff you like too, while he looks after the dcs.

I don't think your dhs time spent on his stuff is unreasonable at all

madamez · 04/06/2008 00:25

It depends very much on how much time you get to do things that you enjoy. Because it does sound a bit as though everything takes second place to what your DH wants - this can happen with men whose partners are SAHM, the man starts thinking that because he Earns Money then the household must revolve around him because he is the important one. What do you do or care about that isn't cooking/cleaning/childcare?

purpleduck · 04/06/2008 13:02

mellibob-
it sounds like YOUR husband is unreasonable!!! I would be seriously pissed off too!!

sorry!

bubblagirl · 04/06/2008 13:16

i think maybe a little unreasonable as he was doing this when you met and its not all the time

why dont you find an interest to do

i have a friend who is very pationate about his and he still does it although has 2 children but its his only thing that he does not at pub evry weekend or going on mad lads holidays

i think as a woman you see it unfair because we tend to not be so passionate about something but maybe if resentment is setting in instead of trying to change him find an interest of your own to do

im always trying to urge my dp to take up some interests he had as it is a shame to see him not to do the things he used to enjoy

he has no problems if i say im off to do something providing his not working he also works away alot so i do what i can when i can

i do think its unfair to try and change somebody if they have always done it as it is healthy to keep old interests and if its not every weekend alternate you do something on other one and dc get quality time alone with dad it can be compromised and worked out well

bubblagirl · 04/06/2008 13:18

i have firends if it helps who's partners are out most evenings and all day at weekends every weekend they dont get an opportunity to do anything

you at least have 2 saturdays and 4 sundays to do something and children would have quality time with dad its only 2 saturday a month in all honesty i would be fine with that

and the holiday thing i would be ok with too as i would do the same

oopsadaisyangel · 04/06/2008 13:25

Can see both sides here.

When I met DH he was very into his rugby, which meant training twice a week and then a game every Saturday. After DS came along he kept this up and we would go and watch all his home games, as DS got older he loved watching his daddy play. Sundays was always our day for doing something as a family (still pretty much is!). Due to injury DH doesn't play anymore and is now around the house all the time and I have to say it drives me crazy sometimes - i got used to having Tuesday and Thursday nights to myself after DS was in bed and most Saturdays.

Agree that if DS is doing something then you should have some "you" time too

Cosette · 04/06/2008 13:30

I think he is being a bit unreasonable. You both work full time - therefore quality time with the DCs from both of you, is important at the weekends, and he's opting out of it 25% of the time. Other posters have said that you could do something yourself on the other 2 Saturdays, but like you I work full time, and I wouldn't want to give up that time with my DCs either. Having said that, after a busy week at work, it's hard work to deal with the DCs, housework etc on your own at the weekend while your DH swans off having quality "me" time and relaxing.

I would not be happy if my DH did this while DCs are this age - once a month yes, other special events (if a particular sport) maybe.

How fairly are other household activities shared - do you always put DCs to bed in the evenings and do you get to go out with friends while DH looks after the children then?

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