Dating whilst parenting Adult kids

[Sassyandalwayslate]

My partner and I are in the early stages of dating( 8 months )but both feel we have met our person and are tentatively making plans for the future ie moving in together marriage ect . We both have 2 adult children each mine live independently from me and he still has 1 DD at home who is 18 and in full time work . My partner and I see each other 3 x a week
the rest of the week we do our own thing with family, friends work etc . A few times lately my partners child has asked if they could join us for a dinner reservation or lunch ... AIBU to
feel like our date nights need to be exclusive to just me and my partner? I wouldn't mind so much if said child genuinely wanted to spend some quality time with her dad but she sits on her phone , literally eats and then says she's off to meet friends . So it's almost like she just wants to be fed . Not sure whether to raise this with partner and set some boundaries or am I being a brat ?

Sounds like your average 18 year old to me! She's still very young. Its good shes comfortable with you and wants to join you. Not sure how'd you'd address it with your partner. Maybe do other things where she wouldn't want to join you. Cinema, go for a long walk on a chilly evening! Go out and eat much earlier, then shes away much earlier. Or suggest cooking at his. She'll get fed up. Your partner may enjoy her being there so id tread carefully if you feel you need to address it with him

Ask your dp why he brings his daughter on dates. It should be just the two of you. Bringing your kids on a date is just weird

Totally agree is normal teenage behaviour but it does kind of spoil the date night vibe when her dad is constantly telling her to put her phone away at the table . Is it even a date night if there are 3 of you out for dinner ? We all eat together at his home 1x a week which is lovely and she is a great kid . It's more we are early days and it's important to have date nights and nurture a relationship in the early stages

TheGrimSqueakersFlea She asks you to join us and he agrees . I guess he doesn't see it as a date, just us grabbing food together ? which might be a concern as have we just drifted in to complacency already !

I’d separate out actual date nights (for the two of you) from getting some food or doing something together. She’s only 18, there could be lots of things going on for her - she might feel
pushed out, worry that she’s missing out on time with her dad, be curious about what dating means as an adult with grown kids, you have no way of knowing. I think if you’re dating someone with kids you need to factor them in even when they’re (only just) adults.

Yanbu.
Tell him go and eat with his daughter.
I would be very very slow to be thinking of living with him if this is the dynamic.
He is very clearly in parenting mode.
Make it clear the division of date night and his parenting time.
I think it very odd that at 8 months she is a part of your time together.

She is literally there to be fed as you've said yourself. This is on your partner as he no doubt is saying to her we're eating out on Saturday for example so no need to get food for that meal. He's not seeing these meals as dates OP.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea
I have 2 adult kids they are very much more independent though but I understand everyone is different. Also they live together and eat together 5 x a week so not sure it's the time thing ... possibly not wanting to be left out but even much younger kids need to realise that sometimes grown ups need time alone time

Surely this is a frequency thing? Yes you need time just the two of you but if you’re thinking marriage at some point you also need to bond as a family. So long as some of your dates are just the two of you I see no issue with her being there sometimes when you’re getting food together. She’s totally just there for the food but that’s part of the bonding experience too.

Yes most 18 year olds would like a free meal out. As pp said perhaps separate out things you might do with her (occasionally) like a burger or whatever from your date nights. Perhaps your partner needs to take her out on their own more too.

rockettomarsbar They eat out together without me there at least twice a month . He's an amazing dad so I know I'm lucky but yes maybe we do need to add the odd pre arranged meal all together rather than jumping on to our plans last minute