To wonder why my husband is in such a bad mood.

[bonnemaman1990]

Been together over 20 years, mid forties, three teenage children. For probably the past five years he hasn’t been the man I married. First pandemic and he was excessively worries about his work then he suffered a minor injury which needed straightforward surgery, then he’s given up vaping (which he loved). He’s been moody, disconnected, frankly a little contemptuous,and joyless. All the normal things he loves he doesn’t enjoy doing any more. For example he loves holidays, but in our most recent one nothing was good enough for him despite the fact we were all annoying ourselves and happy, which surely comes first.

We both work full time although he enjoys quite a lot of flexibility as he’s self employed. We have a really good income and we don’t have money worries, but he’s preoccupied with money and we argue about it a lot. As someone who grew up in poverty (unlike him) I can’t get over the irony that we’re arguing about money when we don’t have to worry about it. He has no sense of how lucky we are.

I turn myself inside out working and taking care of everyone. Domestically, he’s extremely lazy, disorganised and I manage almost everything (except the things he likes to do). If you like, I do and pay for all the day to day drudgery. I’ve come to accept this and if I bring it up I get a long lecture about how much he does, which makes me realise he doesn’t have a clue. When he was the laid back, fun one I genuinely didn’t mind taking on all the crap- but now I get a misery who insists he’s run ragged who spends most of his life staring at his phone.

We are miles away from divorce, he’s my partner, my friend and I love him. He’s a loving father and kind to my wierd family.

I don’t know how to get him out of his fug. He won’t entertain that he’s anxious or depressed but he does have a history of this in his family. I do know a fair bit about these conditions- and I don’t think he had them. It’s more that he’s a grump.

Any tips on how I can improve things?

You could type up a list of what needs doing on a daily, weekly, monthly basis with what you do on one side and what he does on the other. Have it up in the kitchen and ask him to take some things off your side.
Have a chat at a good time and ask what he enjoys now compared to five years ago. Then ask him what he would like to do about it as inflicting his constant grumpy miserable self on his family and himself is a waste of his one life.
Any rants, tantrums, sulks and moodiness should be grey rocked. Do not ever feed that beast. He’s got very used to you pandering to him.

What time do you get as a couple? It’s hard to really connect sometimes when everybody is just running around.

But I don’t think you should be doing all the domestic work and paying for it. That doesn’t sound right at all. What is he doing? What are your teenagers doing?

We don’t get any time as a couple and this is a problem for us. We’re very busy with work and the kids.

I have long reconciled that I will do most things and he does what he can. He does contribute financially. I am very much the house manager and the kids come to me if they want or need anything. I largely delegate to him things like lifts for the kids or walking the dog. If I ask for any domestic help he suggest we get a cleaner or someone to do the laundry but we all know that doesn’t cover day to day stuff. I read a lot about mental load and weaponised incompetence and I recognise it in my marriage.

This is not really my question- my question is when he’s not being fun, nice to the kids, shouting at the dog what is he bringing? I don’t need to live with a misery who can’t hold a conversation with me because he’s too busy on his phone. Who thinks he’s hard done by when really he is an extremely lucky man.

I would trial getting a cleaner and outsourcing laundry. If he's taking on chauffeuring the kids and walking the dog, would that not amount to a reasonably equal divide of household labour? Possibly cooking would need to be split between you, that could be outsource to meal kits or just having straightforward quick meals for a while. It would free up some time to try to find a bit of joy in life.

Was he able to explain what he didn't enjoy about the last holiday? I wonder if the injury has made him worry a little more about getting older and his health (could be tied into quitting vaping).

A lot of what you say resonates with me. Especially the attitude to money. We both work and have pretty comfortable lives, but he constantly compares our situation with his friends and is unhappy. He blames me for spending too much or not saving enough. Like you I do all the household management including money, kids school, he just has his job. But he moans constantly. With us it came to a head 2 years ago when I realised he didn’t view me as a partner, but as an unpaid personal assistant who was falling short. The children are now over 18 and I am getting my ducks in a row to leave.
I would be as honest as you can be to explain how his behaviour is affecting you to try to save your marriage otherwise resentment becomes too much of a hurdle.
My partner will never admit he has an issue or is wrong and we have not been able to communicate our issues.
Talk, talk, talk if he doesn’t want to listen, you will have to decide where you go from there.

I’d sit him down and explain that he’s changed and you’d like him to get some help. Or ….

Is he hanging around with some younger people with no responsibilities? He likely feels like he’s doing more than he actually is. If he’s worried about money I’m surprised he’s suggesting a cleaner. However I would take him up on that & it’s one less thing for you. You probably still need to tidy up but they can take on some of the bigger cleaning jobs.

Sounds like depression to me. The lack of enjoyment in things he used to love, no motivation, going through the motions. Just because he says he isn't, doesn't mean he isn't.
I think the only thing you can do is address it head on, full truth, and ask him what he thinks you should both do. You need to drive home that you can't and won't carry on this way, and you are willing to help and support. If he won't do anything, you will have to decide if you just put up with it or if it's relationship ending for you.

Thank you for your genuinely useful comments and suggestions. All food for thought.

I think a major factor for us is that he, in the past, has out earned me and that made him feel like the breadwinner and gave him self-worth. It also meant he could excuse himself from other stuff because he could measure his contribution financially. He’s always been ‘supportive’ of my career in that he’s a good cheerleader but actual real terms support like being flexible about work and picking up things at home have always been absent.

I have recently started earning more than him and I know it’s eating away at him. It’s not that he’s particularly old fashioned but I know he liked being the breadwinner and it’s irritating him.

I think he’s absolutely ripe for an affair (which I don’t think he is- almost 100% sure) but if the right person came along and made him feel treasured he’d be very vulnerable to it

@bonnemaman1990 that sounds like the reason then - his confidence has taken a knock as you’ve increased your earnings & he can’t just assume you will earn the most & do the lions share of running the house. Why on earth is he fretting about money if you’re earning well now? Maybe he liked being in charge & telling you what you should be spending money on? Men have such fragile egos. Sadly this insecurity does sometimes result in affairs. He’s being a bit of a knob if he can’t be happy you’re finally earning a decent wage.

So, he feels useless. There's nothing he's particularly good at, and the main thing he brought to the party you now do better. Unless you really think being Mr Fun was his thing, in which case make that crystal clear. If not, he needs to find his thing, and quick.

Sometimes a health scare shakes them out of this lethargy.