Sharing friends AIBU

[Cookiecrumblepie]

My in-laws have no friends. Their social interaction comes largely from work and befriending certain friends from their children’s friends (so people one generation younger). They don’t want to be friends with anyone from their own generation.

Now I (DIL) have children, my in-laws are obsessed with getting to know people via my children. I feel uncomfortable with this as sometimes I feel my kids are being almost used as tools to enable social interactions for my in-laws. I don’t mind general light interactions but they are seeking connections, deeper friendships with people via my kids. AIBU? Or am I right to feel this is a little off?

i don’t want to limit the in-laws from attending birthday parties etc but I also dread them attending because it becomes all about them charming other parents and making social connections rather than my kids birthday. Anyone else experience something similar?

I'm normally a person who thinks that people can make friends with whoever they want and it's not for anyone to police. Also that making new friends through your social connections is normal.

That said I'd find this quite off, besides anything your mum friends are often the people you want to offload to when you're annoyed with your in laws. I wouldn't be helping my in laws to do something that's going to make my own friendships more awkward and I would be trying to keep them away from the birthday parties.

@WhatNoRaisins My concern is that my in-laws will get nasty if I try and put in any boundaries that curtail their access to social interactions. I need to find a way to separate them from my kids social lives without excluding them! It’s difficult because I feel sorry for them sometimes but it’s so overbearing I feel that I am a conduit and live “under” them. I don’t want my kids to feel obliged to include them in everything.

How old are your children? Have your in laws actually said that they don’t want to make friends with people their own age? What is their reasoning? It seems weird to me and makes me think of either sex or drugs as a motivation. It at the least indicates that they have a rather self focused/grabby attitude to life - seeing others as means to get what they want and it also indicates poor boundaries. What does your partner, their child, have to say about all this?

You can do family gathering and kids parties separately.

Make it a drop and run occasion is another one.

Where there’s a will there’s a way!!

That said do your friends want to be friends or are they just being polite? Friendships are 2 ways.

@Owly11 kids are all young so under 10. No in-laws have never actually said it, but they’ve had numerous opportunities to socialise with people from their generation and they just don’t. For example if they attend a kids party and there are other parents and grandparents there, they will ignore the other grandparents and make a beeline to the parents to chat. I have no idea why they do this I find it weird. My husband doesn’t really notice as he’s been raised in a “communal friends” household. So lots of his close friends are basically his parents close friends too. His parents almost I would say informally adopted his best friend.

@Silvertulips my own friends I’ve managed to keep separate but my husbands friends from example just end up becoming “family friends”. Even though it’s not really two families becoming friends, it’s just one set of parents becoming friends with their kids friends directly. The other parents are never involved.

I think this was less odd when my husband was younger, but now it feels really strange. My in-laws will complain about not being invited to my husbands best friends events for example or not being included in things with my husbands best friend, as they see him as also their best friend.

So they chat to your friends, make connections and are friendly and you have an issue with this as they are " your friends "

@Lanzarotelady it feels odd because they take over or cut me out. So for example they will become my best friends best friend. So it is now their friend.

They have dinners and arrange things with my husbands close friends without him. They see his friends as primarily their friends. They have no friends of their own.

They demand and expect inclusion. It’s fine in small doses but it feels domineering.

They do sound weird. Aren't they aware that son's best friend is being polite to them because they're his best mates parents not because they are fast friends?

How many parties are we actually talking about? Is this just your childrens birthday parties? I can't imagine where they would be popping up so often in your social life?

I'd just be honest and say "I know you're friendly people but I feel I need to keep my friendship group separate to our family circle. It's important for me to have relationships outside of this family and I don't want the two groups becoming integrated. Having a separate group of friends allows me to take a break from feeling like wife/mum and sometimes just be Sarah."

@Whatifitallgoesright its parties, any gatherings, drinks, just general socialising. I think it will diminish as my kids get older but it’s as though they are always there, or hearing about and asking about my friends as though they are their friends

@LuckyNumberFive thanks I will try this

Do you have some close enough friends that you could confide in them about your in laws? They might be happy to just be polite but distant with them.

Ok sorry I thought your kids were older and they were trying to befriend your kids’ friends. It does seem weird. I would have separate events - one for the kids’ friends and one for family. I would still be wary of potential grooming by the fil - befriending parents gives access to children.

If your DHs friends are accepting invites from your PIL to go for drinks or dinner etc surely that’s up to them? They wouldn’t do it if they didn’t want to

Are they all drinkers?

This does sound very weird and controlling. Not the same situation, but I’ve had friends that do this, try to take over other friendships that I have. It’s toxic behaviour! I would advise that actually, you conclude them from your friendships and also try to put them in their place. Make it known they’re your friendships, not theirs.

They’re not huge drinkers. And yes point taken obviously if my husbands friends want to hang out with my in-laws it’s up to them. I think in some instances the friends just don’t know how to say no. My in-laws are very much “one family vibe” so if they said no it would potentially feel like they were rejecting my husband if that makes sense?

Stop inviting them to parties your kids are invited too? Theres no need for them to be there just one parent is enough! I would find it odd if i had a party for my kid and one of my kids friends brought their entire family no offence.

kids can go to cinema, swim -things parents don’t hang around at.
Mind you I find kids bday parties pretty awful.

@ComfortFoodCafe i mean my children’s birthday parties that I host. So they would attend as grandparents of the birthday boy/girl. I might do separate celebrations as my kids get older

Why are your husband's friends accepting dinner invitations from his parents without him there? That's weird. All of this is. Boundaries are good.

Sounds cringe imo. Are they trying to appear younger /'cooler' than their own generation?

Ok so everyone is getting invited to kids parties. This isn't something I've experienced.
If your not confident to change the dynamics now then when the kids get older just invite there friends no adults, the kids will want there own space and push back against this, especially when secondary school starts.
I agree with other pps its creepy and encroaches on your friendships.

Yes I think so. I feel sorry for them.