Opinions please!!Are grandparents distant or is this normal??

hereorthereoreverywhere · 2025-10-05T07:37:32+00:00

About 5 years ago we moved into the area where my husband's dad and stepmother live. (Not strictly because of them, but we like the area and get on well). Before we had our son they would invite us nearly every Sunday for Sunday lunch either to theirs or to a restaurant, when we had our son I used to pop by every week (of course asked beforehand) but invitations at the weekend became a bit less. Now, we're maybe invitee over once every three months for dinner, we see them I would say every other week and we do the inviting. They do gladly accept our invites and we have a nice time when they are here, however I find this drop off of invites on their side a bit of a shame as nothing at all has happened to make them cross or distant. If this was my parents I'd be over every few days and they'd constantly offer to have my son over.... Is this because they've aged? Are we supposed to the inviting now? I'd like to politely bring this up but then I'm not British and afraid it would come across the wrong way/ be too intrusive/ be a cultural thing. Please help!

ThisBadTimeIsTakingForever · 05/10/2025 09:14

Did you stay long when you popped over every week, and did your husband also go with you?
I would never have gone to my PIL without DH tbh. Maybe they found hosing you and DC in the week enough and didn’t feel the need for the weekend invite as well.
I would assume that as DC has got older, and needs more attention/playing with etc they are finding it more tiring.
What ages are they? I’m only in my 50’s and would find seeing a child every week far too tiring, but I do work.
Are they retired? Any health issues? Very active social life so need some down time?

I wouldn’t bring it up at all, that would be rude.

People don’t owe you their time and saying that you don’t see them enough could make them feel upset that you don’t appreciate the time they do give, or make them feel pressured into giving more of their time when they are happy as things are.
Maybe if DH has an issue then he could mention he would like to see more of his DF if possible, but I’d leave that to him.

Original poster

hereorthereoreverywhere · 05/10/2025 09:26

ThisBadTimeIsTakingForever · 05/10/2025 09:14

Did you stay long when you popped over every week, and did your husband also go with you?
I would never have gone to my PIL without DH tbh. Maybe they found hosing you and DC in the week enough and didn’t feel the need for the weekend invite as well.
I would assume that as DC has got older, and needs more attention/playing with etc they are finding it more tiring.
What ages are they? I’m only in my 50’s and would find seeing a child every week far too tiring, but I do work.
Are they retired? Any health issues? Very active social life so need some down time?

I wouldn’t bring it up at all, that would be rude.

People don’t owe you their time and saying that you don’t see them enough could make them feel upset that you don’t appreciate the time they do give, or make them feel pressured into giving more of their time when they are happy as things are.
Maybe if DH has an issue then he could mention he would like to see more of his DF if possible, but I’d leave that to him.

Thank you for your reply..I think the problem might be that my parents are far away and I might be projecting. DH dad is 77 and not the fittest, DSM is 73 and quite fit. I do know that we seem them more than many other people see their in laws..... Thank you for your perspective. You're right that people don't owe me time.

I know that it's probably unusual me going round there by myself but e.g. in cricket season I tend to do the same when DH is playing - guess I'm quite lucky to have nice in-laws :-)

OP posts:

ThisBadTimeIsTakingForever · 05/10/2025 09:31

My inlaws were perfectly nice, but they wouldn’t have wanted to entertain me and dc weekly.

My DM is fit and only 73, but absolutely couldn’t cope with little ones every week! I thought you were going to say they were early 60’s or something.

thisishowloween · 05/10/2025 09:33

I think they sound perfectly normal and you sound a little bit intense.

Visiting grandparents twice a month seems plenty. You going round once a week plus inviting them round every weekend is a lot.

Laiste · 05/10/2025 09:33

I'd say it's a mixture of both the things you've guessed at.

Firstly yes they're older - maybe only a few years than when you first got together with DH but a few years when you're late 60s early 70s (have i got the time line right?) can make a big difference.

And secondly, and exacerbated by the first, it's much 'more' when young kids are among the visitors.

There may be a bit of 'Well now you've got your own home and your son it'd be better for us to come to you so that we can leave when we've had enough', but my guess would be the first two things make the bigger picture.

💐 You sound like a lovely DIL.

Laiste · 05/10/2025 09:34

And no i wouldn't mention it. If you want to see them more often increase the invitations to yours.

Original poster

hereorthereoreverywhere · 05/10/2025 09:41

thisishowloween · 05/10/2025 09:33

I think they sound perfectly normal and you sound a little bit intense.

Visiting grandparents twice a month seems plenty. You going round once a week plus inviting them round every weekend is a lot.

Thank you! Maybe I am a bit intense 🤣I'll reflect on myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

hereorthereoreverywhere · 05/10/2025 09:42

Laiste · 05/10/2025 09:33

I'd say it's a mixture of both the things you've guessed at.

Firstly yes they're older - maybe only a few years than when you first got together with DH but a few years when you're late 60s early 70s (have i got the time line right?) can make a big difference.

And secondly, and exacerbated by the first, it's much 'more' when young kids are among the visitors.

There may be a bit of 'Well now you've got your own home and your son it'd be better for us to come to you so that we can leave when we've had enough', but my guess would be the first two things make the bigger picture.

💐 You sound like a lovely DIL.

Thank you so much. Yes maybe they find my DS quite a lot, he is extremely active and talks nonstop (and I wouldn't have him any other way ❤️)

OP posts:

HoppingPavlova · 05/10/2025 09:51

Before we had our son they would invite us nearly every Sunday for Sunday lunch either to theirs or to a restaurant, when we had our son I used to pop by every week (of course asked beforehand) but invitations at the weekend became a bit less

Really depends what the Sunday lunch was. If it was simple sandwiches, then I have no idea. If it was more like a Sunday roast, I think that’s the answer.

I’m not there yet (70’s) but at this point can’t be arsed faffing about with a Sunday roast be it lunch or dinner. We love them so DH and I go out to have them instead. If the kids want it they can make their own arrangements🤣. No way we’d invite kids with a baby/younger children to join us and potentially ruin the other diners meal. In fact all of our favourite Sunday roast places are strictly no children, and still packed out and you have to reserve considerably in advance to get a sitting. So, they may well be out having their roast in peace somewhere on Sunday’s? Again, if it’s sandwiches or similar simple food they are into instead, then I’ve no idea as making a few extra sandwiches and eating at home as appropriate with young kids isn’t taxing.

ETA after seeing your update, maybe your visits post children were the same length as pre-kids? Toddlers are a lot so maybe consider much shorter visits and you may get more invites?

ElsieMc · 05/10/2025 09:51

As a grandparent and also a grandparent carer I hosted Sunday lunch bbqs etc over many years. I found dd1 in particular took it for granted not only expecting me to cook dinner,clear up but also asking me where her toddler was whilst sat there. Final straw was the hangovers and what came with that.

I did it for the children who lived here at the time who generally enjoyed it.

I no longer do them now. Shame for other family as I would host ten. But I was never invited back. On my birthday this year dd2 made me a birthday tea as I was there minding my gcs. It was so nice

Not saying you are in anyway like this but can you not cook lunch for them. I havent read the whole thread sorry but just another perspective.

Original poster

hereorthereoreverywhere · 05/10/2025 13:20

HoppingPavlova · 05/10/2025 09:51

Before we had our son they would invite us nearly every Sunday for Sunday lunch either to theirs or to a restaurant, when we had our son I used to pop by every week (of course asked beforehand) but invitations at the weekend became a bit less

Really depends what the Sunday lunch was. If it was simple sandwiches, then I have no idea. If it was more like a Sunday roast, I think that’s the answer.

I’m not there yet (70’s) but at this point can’t be arsed faffing about with a Sunday roast be it lunch or dinner. We love them so DH and I go out to have them instead. If the kids want it they can make their own arrangements🤣. No way we’d invite kids with a baby/younger children to join us and potentially ruin the other diners meal. In fact all of our favourite Sunday roast places are strictly no children, and still packed out and you have to reserve considerably in advance to get a sitting. So, they may well be out having their roast in peace somewhere on Sunday’s? Again, if it’s sandwiches or similar simple food they are into instead, then I’ve no idea as making a few extra sandwiches and eating at home as appropriate with young kids isn’t taxing.

ETA after seeing your update, maybe your visits post children were the same length as pre-kids? Toddlers are a lot so maybe consider much shorter visits and you may get more invites?

Edited

Thank you for your reply. I do wonder if it might be as simple as that - DH dad who's 77 does get tired very quickly used to do big lunches but maybe he's run out of energy to do that! Yes they love going to fancy restaurants.

I think I have to stop comparing them to my parents who are similar age but incredibly fit (which I am so happy about,touch wood its going to ) - we're there most of the summer and they look after my son every day when I'm working (and I've asked plenty of times if it's too much but they insist)

OP posts: