Urgent advice - dire family issues

[viva343]

This is long and complex so I’ll try and summarise as quickly as possible.

My mother has been a functioning alcoholic for many years and copes with any sort of stress by drinking. It has greatly impacted our relationship and I will now only interact with her when she’s sober. There have been a couple of drunken rows and she’s let me down a lot and it all gets swept under the rug.

Last year my gran (her mum) had a fall and has been struggling since. Prior to this she was very independent but she had to spend time in hospital and respite care and although she’s back at home now it has become clear she’s struggling to cope. She is almost 90.

My mum has been ‘caring’ for her in the sense that she will go and see her a few times a week, do her washing and shopping and check in daily on the phone. I try to visit when I can but I have three young dc and work whereas my mum doesn’t, so it’s harder for me.

My gran stays with my mum at her home occasionally. I have noticed that mum drinks heavily while she’s there. She says it’s to cope with her. Admittedly gran has become a bit difficult and confused but mostly I feel like my mum is using this as an excuse to drink. There have been a few occasions when I’ve visited where I’ve observed them not being very nice to each other but it’s clear that mum isn’t dealing with potentially challenging situations well (for example gran accusing her of doing things she hasn’t done) because she’s pissed.

It’s actually very hard to know who is the unreliable one because gran is old and confused and mum is off her face. I don’t like leaving them alone when she’s in that state but I don’t think there’s any danger, it’s just a deeply unpleasant environment. And I’m pushing my own boundaries of being around my mum at all in that state because I swore I wouldn’t do it anymore.

I honestly think gran needs more support at home but she won’t admit it. And mum needs to stop drinking but that will never happen. Neither of them meet the threshold for an actual intervention. Mum did mention gran going back into respite care for a while but has never followed it up.

There are lots of barbed remarks to me about how I’ve done nothing to help (usually when she’s pissed) but I genuinely don’t have the capacity for it. It’s my mums mum and she doesn’t work or have any other dependents whereas I am flat out with my own family. It’s all a huge mess and I don’t know who to ask for help. There is no other family, just me, mum, gran and my dh and kids.

This is absolutely the best action you can take in these circumstances.
OP with your update I feel
so sorry for you, I can’t imagine how it must be growing up as the DC of an alcoholic. It sounds like your DMs drinking is bringing back painful memories as you want her to be the adult in this situation.

Thing is it sounds like she is doing as much as she is capable of - probably too much if she has started drinking again. It’s really hard to care for a parent particularly if they are no longer rational in their demands or decisions.

Therefore somebody has to make the sensible decisions here for the benefit of everyone. That doesn’t mean you taking on more responsibilities, it means involving a third party and telling them what’s going on.

There is a chance they may come and decide not to do anything. The bar is very low for demonstrating capacity and if your DGM has a strong desire to stay at home, then the horrible current situation may continue.

I know it must be almost impossible for you but try to have some compassion for your DM. If there is an Al Anon group she goes to, encourage her to go even if that means DGM gets less visits.

I am sorry for you all, there’s no great ending to this situation.

OP are you actually concerned that your grandmother is being neglected or is it just that they argue and don't really get on? You say your grandmother is confused - does she have a diagnosis of dementia or is this something that you need to raise with the GP? Is she actually capable of washing/dressing/personal care without any help? If not, I would definitely contact adult social care and ask for an assessment of her needs.

Obviously your mum's drinking is unpleasant and difficult for you and probably your grandmother to be around. If you're concerned that she is actually abusive towards your grandmother, that is something you need to raise with social services. If it's just a case of them arguing and not getting along, I'm not sure there's much you can do about that. I would tell mum you won't be responding to drunken late night calls again and stick to it.

I wouldn’t say she is abusive or neglectful towards gran but I do think the person she becomes when drunk makes a difficult situation even harder. If she were sober and rational she would deal with it better, rather than getting into petty arguments with an elderly confused person which then escalate. I would say their relationship is suffering and it’s very sad to see. My gran deserves kindness and compassion and although my mum is helping to an extent, she’s making no secret of the fact that she’s resentful about it.

An assessment was done when gran left respite care and she did have carers going in for a while after this free of charge (part of her care plan). But they didn’t do much, wouldn’t prepare meals or help with any practical jobs they basically just went in twice a day to check she was ok.

Physically gran is ok and managing with self care, basic cooking etc. Although I think this is getting harder for her. Mentally she is confused and forgetful at times. We have a family friend who is a nurse and she said based on her experience gran is functioning. I will try and seek some advice from social services, I think my mum has reached out to them some time ago but never followed it up. And then just took on her defeatist attitude of ‘well nobody cares so I’m not going to chase them.’

I have dealt with two lots of elderly parents one with my siblings which was extremely difficult as needs were high, even tho there were 6 of us. the actualy caring was left to the girls/women altho to be fair the others provided financial assistance to some extent and the youngest did chores Dad cld no longer do or organised someone else to do.

I think what older folk cope with better is if you downplay the role of the carer - so we know they are carers as do they but you might call them a cleaner or a "daily" just to help out - they maybe come to help up in the am, bit of breakfast and leave some lunch in the fridge then back in the evening some tea and bedtime if needed. But it could start with a bit of cleaning, leaving a meal and a sit and natter over a cup of tea and a biscuit mid am or pm then as needs escalate you can say something like - shall we ask xyz if she can do a bit more for you, she might have the time. At which point they are not a stranger. You might also need to be in the background for the first few visits till they are familiar. I had a very elderly MIL and this is how we did it originally although it didn't go on long as it took me so long to persuade her and the carers we used from the council carers weren't very committed she fell and wasn't found when she should have been then hospital and passed away shortly after. Also be aware that if you go for an agency it won't always be the same person.

I think also you need to ask DH if he could do evenings once or twice a week to allow you to go over for your Granny its only going to be relatively short term and its a good opportunity for him to step up and be a parent twice a week. You can always double up cooking on your evenings if that is an issue.

M&S do good small one person proper meals although the selection isn't huge. I found them alot better than other supermarkets

The things MIL struggled with were being warm in bed (we got her a new electric blanket as hers was lethal and at least 30 yrs old), changing the bed and remaking it, and the washing and drying.

Check out she has everything to be safe in the bathroom as well - hand rails and stools and chairs etc. Maybe arrange to have baths or showers when you are in the house so if anything happens you are there. This was one of MIL fears so she wasn't washing properly. She had been brought up in a convent as well so there was a massive issue around others helping - we got round this with a thin nighty she wore in the bath and was able to take off herself when sat in the bathroom to dry and then put a fresh one on etc.

Anyway - do what you can and don't let your Mum guilt you, if you are doing what you can then you are doing enough

I would contact Adult Social services as well - you generally have to pay for it but they will at least come and do an assessment and there are lots of things they can do like key safes, handles and other household equipment to help. You do need to be clear what her needs are so the carers are told what they need to do - they shld be doing hot drinks and heating meals - not cooking tho hence the mention of those M&S Meals. They did clean separately to care so cleaner came once a week and then carers every day. MIL was as bright as a button mentally and one carer she got on with would bring her free papers and such to keep her busy outside of TV. She had been in service in her youth over in Ireland so kept a sharp eye on them with what they were doing/did/didn't do so she managed them fine. She was v self consious about having them though and I do think that for the money that was paid it wasn't good value as the agency took their cut as did the council!

Thank you this has given me a lot to think about. I will do what I can but part of me does feel resentful because if my mum was functioning fully she would be better placed and have more capacity to deal with this. I know addiction is an illness but I’m fucking sick of it making my life harder and more painful.