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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have another Child when I already have a child with ASD

10 replies

Unbelievable2025 · 04/10/2025 21:33

My husband and I have been ttc since I was 30, finally after 4 IVF cycles I had a little girl at 35. I adore her however she has Autism and is high needs. I have done 4 more cycles of IVF. I’m almost 42 but my heart yearns for another. My younger sister has offered her eggs. I don’t want to make our lives harder. I don’t want my second potential child to miss out in any way. Should I put aside this yearning or will I regret this forever? AIBU to think about doing this? My DH is leaning towards no but not definite no.

OP posts:

Octavia64 · 04/10/2025 21:45

I mean… it’s your decision.

but a baby will make your lives harder at least to start with, and they will miss out on stuff because they have a sibling with autism.

so at least two of the things you say you don’t want to happen will happen.

stayathomegardener · 04/10/2025 21:46

Such a difficult decision, I do regret not having a second in hindsight but then who knows how the alternative would have played out.

There are great advantages to having just the one.

Merryoldgoat · 04/10/2025 21:48

I did. And now I have two children with ASD.

Second is significantly more affected.

Both boys are absolutely magical but it’s a bloody hard life at times. If I’d had my second child first I’d not have had another.

Ohthatsabitshit · 04/10/2025 21:48

Can you care for another child? If you have the time and resources to do so and want to then do.

Acropolis49 · 04/10/2025 22:03

I had two more children after having one with ASD with high needs.

I didn't know this at the time when conceiving DC2 as there was a small age gap, but I did know when conceiving DC3.

DC2 also has ASD. It has been physically and mentally exhausting, but also wonderful and I wouldn't change it.

PastaAllaNorma · 04/10/2025 22:12

My best friend is the younger sibling of a child with complex needs. Her entire life has been structured around that fact.

The expectation that she'd just have to accommodate her life around her sibling's needs when other children could go on outings and playdates and have more freedom. The expectation that she would help her older sibling throughout her life. The social exclusion when she couldn't do things or her parents wouldn't let her accept invitations because of her sibling's needs or lack of social connections. Not being able to have friends staying over because is was too challenging for her family. Missing out on common childhood experiences/trips/adventures because her sibling couldn't take part.

And now her parents are old, the expectation she'll pick up the burden of care.

She loves her sibling but resents her parents very much for placing her under such a heavy weight for her entire life. She has never been able to be a carefree child.

Anon501178 · 04/10/2025 22:15

I would....because (unless 2nd has ASD of course) it might help make life feel abit more balanced.

My 3yo is hard work but in a 3yo way.... i don't think she is ND and there are already quite afew things that feel much easier than 8yo ASD dd at a similar age which feels a relief and also grounds me abit.

Not that DD1 isn't amazing and lovely of course, but she is hard work.We didn't know at the time of conceiving DD2 that she was autistic but knew she was quite high needs but it wouldn't have changed our decision.She is fairly high functioning.

How is your eldest socially? Would she enjoys a sibling relationship?

Do you feel energetic and youthful still? Or quite drained and feeling your age more...

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 04/10/2025 22:15

Different eggs might make no difference because it is often the father who passes autistic genes down.

Findingthe · 04/10/2025 22:37

I have 3 children, one is high functioning autistic the second has emotional disregulation and the the third has ADHD. I am one of these Mary Poppins mums that tried to do everything child centred, wanted a family more than anything and I am burnt-out. My middle child with the least issues gets the least attention. If you have a child with no additional needs they get less attention but they crave it, thats when problems can arise in behaviour, there is always the competition between siblings. Having 2 children with additional needs but different needs is also extremely complicated, as you need to make adjustments for both constantly. Consider your workload doubled and then some. So no matter how baby 2 turns out, its going to be complicated, exhausting and more work than you ever thought. But of course you will love them and they will bring you joy. You need to have all the support around you to continue providing for them daily for 20+ years. If your partner is not on board this isnt great, you need to have a strong foundation. My partner decided he wasnt happy and started having affairs. I'm not saying this will happen to you, but there is always a risk you could end up with 2 high need children on your own. I dont want that on anyone.

SpikeGilesSandwich · 04/10/2025 22:57

I won’t have another because the chances of having ASD are clearly high and I couldn’t cope with my first child and a baby.
The thought of having another special needs child is enough to drive me over the edge. It’s terribly sad because I really wanted more but nothing about this life is what I’d have chosen, it’s so hard and never-ending.

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