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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this was an inappropriate use of benefits/child maintenance?

90 replies

ForRareKoala · 04/10/2025 18:09

My mother lived on benefits/child maintenance from high income ex from age 0-13 while I was a child and from what I can gather was receiving about £2.5k a month total (I calculated this just now though it was probably even more in the past). We lived in a paid off house bought by my father so no mortgage.

Despite this there was never enough heating, not enough food so we were underweight (not drastically, but noticeable enough for regular comments) and I didn't notice it but my sister pointed out we both had far worse clothes than most people.

I think most the money went into her private pension which allowed her to retire very early and on (admittedly small) luxuries for herself. Even just little things such as her having a deep bath everyday while we had a short shower every other day kind of sucked.

I've spoke about this with my aunt (closest relative) who says the money "wasn't just for us", but AIBU to think that with this this much coming in we should have had a childhood where we didn't have to worry about the absolute basics?

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 05/10/2025 11:26

Jellycatspyjamas · 05/10/2025 10:28

You’re talking about the time frame from 1997-2010. Benefits were far from generous coming out of a Tory government at that time. While benefit reform did lift many children out of poverty, no one was receiving £1,000s from the state at that time. Your mum was left with two small children and no income, money will have been very tight - I couldn’t grudge her having a bath tbh and showering every other day isn’t a huge deal, young children don’t need a daily shower unless they’re doing something particularly mucky.

No child should need to worry about the basics, too many do because of poverty levels, and child poverty was much worse at the turn of the millennium. You’re comparing current benefit levels and rules, it was very very different when you were a child. Your mum simply won’t have been living a life of luxury on benefits/maintenance at that time. It may be that she didn’t prioritise as well as she could, but it sounds like money was tight. You seem to be favouring your alcoholic dad, who walked out on a woman leaving her with small children and blaming your mum for your living circumstances without considering the pressures she will have been under at a time when the social safety net was much less than it is now.

Yes. Maintenance was taken into account for benefits.

namechangedohmy · 05/10/2025 11:29

Here is how you know if it was neglectful. Would you do it to your children? Bet the answer is no.

Catsknowbest · 05/10/2025 14:16

shellyleppard · 04/10/2025 18:15

@ForRareKoala if it was that much she wouldn't have got universal credit.....seems like a very high amount??

I'm not sure if UC was applicable but child maintenance is not taken into account for it in any case, nor is it for most of the legacy means tested benefits.

Catsknowbest · 05/10/2025 14:18

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/10/2025 19:12

It did in the past

Show quote history

Generally speaking in the UK, CM is disregarded for means tested benefits. Whilst some of the old legacy benefits up until 2010 deducted.

Catsknowbest · 05/10/2025 14:20

Praying4Peace · 04/10/2025 19:15

There is some confusion in your posts OP, something is missing

Show quote history

Yes as benefits advice is my profession I found this odd.

InTheWindow · 05/10/2025 14:23

shellyleppard · 04/10/2025 18:15

@ForRareKoala if it was that much she wouldn't have got universal credit.....seems like a very high amount??

Child maintenance is not taken into account when calculating universal credit.

Catsknowbest · 05/10/2025 14:25

Catsknowbest · 05/10/2025 14:16

I'm not sure if UC was applicable but child maintenance is not taken into account for it in any case, nor is it for most of the legacy means tested benefits.

Edited
Show quote history

Correction to typing- though it was not nor was it 😅

Jellycatspyjamas · 05/10/2025 14:29

namechangedohmy · 05/10/2025 11:29

Here is how you know if it was neglectful. Would you do it to your children? Bet the answer is no.

Well that’s not entirely fair - parenting has changed hugely over the years and what was perfectly reasonable then wouldn’t be considered so now.

I grew up with one bath a week, as did my friends. The cost and time for heating water meant most families had a bath night, it wasn’t neglectful at the time but most people bathe more frequently now. Most of my clothes were handed down from my sister and family friends - money was tight and the clothes hardly worn as kids grew out of them. Warm, fitting clothes were more important than nice or fashionable. My parents had new clothes, because they wore their stuff to death and people didn’t hand down adult clothes.

I could frame that as “my parents always bought themselves new clothes and the kids got everything second hand” but that wouldn’t be the whole story and might sound neglectful, but wasn’t.

It’s not usually a good idea to compare how you were parented 20, 30 years ago with what’s accepted now. Even in that space of time expectations have changed hugely.

Jellycatspyjamas · 05/10/2025 14:30

InTheWindow · 05/10/2025 14:23

Child maintenance is not taken into account when calculating universal credit.

Show quote history

Not now, but it was up until about 2010, which is the period the OP is talking about.

Thebigonesgetaway · 05/10/2025 14:34

Is there a chance your aunt is trying to stir uo shit and doesn’t know for a fact how much your mother got. I’m assuming she got a job when you were old enough as she needed money.

ThisStateOfIndependenceShallBe · 05/10/2025 14:42

Jellycatspyjamas · 05/10/2025 14:30

Not now, but it was up until about 2010, which is the period the OP is talking about.

Show quote history

Definitely, when I claimed income support in 2005 I almost got into trouble for being scrupulously honest and telling the person from income support who phoned that my ex had given me the odd fiver or tenner here and there but nothing regular or reliable. He didn't have a job then and was just getting a bit of casual work from time to time.

Luckily for me when they contacted him he was (unusually for him) decent enough to say that the money he'd given me was a gift, not child support so I wasn't penalised for claiming income support while getting a tiny and unreliable amount of child support.

AgnesMcDoo · 05/10/2025 15:43

If you didn’t have enough to eat, be warm and washed then you were neglected.

Boomer55 · 05/10/2025 15:45

ForRareKoala · 04/10/2025 18:21

From what I can gather child maintenance doesn't affect benefits and DF was a high earner.

For 2 children in privately owned house with no mortgage in my childhood city I got UC £1419.09, council tax £146.12, child benefit £187.63 on the turn2us calculator.

Show quote history

It depends when this was. Years ago, maintenance did affect benefits, but then it was changed.

HoppityBun · 16/11/2025 08:48

It is not a “waste“ of funding unless, OP, you can propose something else that meets the child’s needs and costs less. Don’t bother looking because there isn’t anything.

What I think you are saying is that you were unaware until now of the extraordinary high cost of providing care for children with complex needs. By the way, there is a national shortage of foster carers.

This is not news to anybody who’s been involved in this area of work for the shortest amount of time.

It’s been noted for decades that looking after a child in care costs more per month than funding a term at Eton College.

bittertwisted · 16/11/2025 20:41

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 04/10/2025 18:32

Op your understanding is wrong. Prior to 2010 child maintenance was treated as income for benefits. It's only under universal credit since 2010 that maintenance is ignored. So prior to that date all the maintenance your mum received was deducted from her income support or working tax credit, depending which she received.i think there was a small disregard of about £25 per week. So her income was much less than you're imagining. Income support rates for a single parent with two children in 2010 was a little over £200 per week / £800 per month. From that the child maintenance was deducted, so even adding on some child benefit and council tax allowance she had less than half what you think she had.

Not true at all

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