To feel triggered by ds toddler violence

[Summertimefarewell]

So my DS is 3.5. He is very reactionary. Also a younger sibling. He hits, kicks lashes out, has spat at me and continues to do so despite time outs, trying to reason with him and set boundaries etc.

Thing is I was in a domestically violent relationship from my mid teens to early 20s. Met my now husband at 22 and been together 17 years. No violence no shouting a very healthy loving relationship that healed me.

I feel very triggered and like it is personal when my son hits me. I also feel feelings similar to dislike towards him and resentment because I think of my past wounds. Also because frankly it is unpleasant.

Aibu? Anyone been through something similar? I have a 5 year old boy who has never hit me once. I'm struggling a bit.

I think it’s quite a natural reaction given your history. A friend of mine reported similar feelings in a different but comparable situation. It might be worth going for therapy. Even if you’ve done it before, this is a new situation you’re dealing with and it’s totally understandable that it’s stirred up some past trauma. Both my children hit me when they were younger, apparently it’s quite a common problem for disabled parents (which I am). Some children do have a phase of hitting their parents. It’s nothing you’ve done wrong, and it’s also nothing wrong with him, he’s very young. Your feelings are valid and getting some help to process them so that it doesn’t damage your relationship with your child could be a good idea I think.

I really feel for you. It’s horrible.

I don’t want to be that poster but I will be honest and say I think three and a half is not really a toddler; it’s a preschooler. And I do think that sort of behaviour is perhaps worth looking into a bit.

I agree re age. He is not a toddler I just never know when exactly the boundary from toddler to child begins. I've spoken to nursery they say he is fine there. I have contacted a few outside support resources no response as yet. I will keep trying

It probably is normal. If it helps my DS was really difficult at three but it was more verbal defiance and rudeness, ignoring me, laughing at me.

He is lovely at four if you can grit your teeth a bit. If he’s fine at nursery he probably is OK.

It is really upsetting though. I think this was the thing that shocked me as a parent, that you could dislike your own child. And you don’t but it sure feels like it sometimes!

Thank you ❤️ this helps

I voted YABU because I think your DS2 isn't to blame for his behavior at this age. However, I have empathy for your situation, and can only imagine how difficult that would be to navigate.

Some children have vastly different levels of chill, and need different parenting tactics. My own DC2 is the calmest child. Whereas DC1 is a whirlwind of a human being. I don't think of DC2 as proof I'm a good parent and DC1 is the outlier, because I try to meet them both where they're at.

E.g. DC1 needs hugely limited screen time and sugar to stay semi calm. The behavioural impacts of a freddo and 20min cartoon ricochet through our whole day. They need to quite literally run off their energy, and be given a lot of opportunities for rough and tumble play. Often children who hit have high sensory input needs.

I give choices - you can't hit your sibling but you can hit this pillow. You can't kick me but you can kick this ball. You can't bite anyone, but you can bite this apple. Gives an avenue for the behaviour and teaches them appropriate ways to funnel fheir impulses.

I repeat these as often as I need too, as calmly as I can. The bigger your reaction, the more they'll repeat the negative behavior. Look up Janet Lansbury - brilliant resources.

I also speak in short sentences when they're melting down. They can't take in too much, and can't split their focus at that age. If I need them to listen to me, I make sure I have their full attention first - making a high pitched beeping noise works. 😅 I get on their level and make full eye contact.

I try get curious before I'm furious, and enquire as to why they behaved that way first. Often times they can't tell you - so if I'm calm enough I'd say something like "I think you hit your sibling because you felt angry they took your toy". This helps them recognize and name their emotions.

I do a lot of work on emotional recognition and regulation - read stories on feelings, name what I'm feeling, name what they might be feeling or characters on TV, etc., when they can communicate it cuts down meltdowns and bad behaviours.

Co-regulation is also still key at this age. If I'm too triggered to coregulate with them immediately, I have a little script I follow "I need to take a deep breath to calm down. Mummy loves you. Mummy will come back".

I personally don't find time outs work, but I do use clear consequences after warnings.

... And even given all that I still lose my cool sometimes and just yell or say the wrong thing because DC1 in particular really pushes my buttons. If that happens, I model what to do in terms of saying I'm sorry, that it's not ok to yell, and teach them how to repair.

Great advice thank you. You sound like a great proactive parenting mum. I tend to jump to defensiveness sometimes I try and work towards this. Sugar and TV are his biggest triggers

I think he is old enough to explain that he hurt you and he shouldn't do it and that he wouldn't like someone doing it to him. He needs to understand that hurting people isn't allowed. Stern serious face and voice.

I wish I was as collected IRL as I sound in this post! Truthfully I have figured out all of the pointers I mentioned by feeling completely defeated by parenting. And every time I get a handle on a new stage, the next one appears!

I do think some children just can't handle sugar and TV. All of my friends children have these daily, and are moderately well behaved angels. Mine would have the house pulled apart