I think I’m falling out of love with DH

fastingforweightloss · 2025-10-03T19:41:17+00:00

17 years together. He won’t have sex with me anymore. No idea why. I own the house we live in. He has taken it over with his possessions. He has maybe 3000 CD’s. We converted a bedroom to a dressing room, I thought that we would share that space, however, it is full of his clothes. And none of mine. The garage was full of his crap which successfully cleared away recently and now his big car is in there. I feel like he’s smothering me with all his stuff. I fantasise about having all the space back to myself and being minimalist! I wonder if this is why you sometimes see old ladies that don’t seem too bothered when their husbands die!!

Swiftie1878 · 03/10/2025 20:43

Are you married? Kids?

Original poster

fastingforweightloss · 03/10/2025 20:48

We are married . I have adult children that flew the nest 10 years ago. We are still young ish - 55 and 52

OP posts:

Givenupshopping · 03/10/2025 20:49

OP, how can you possibly not know why your DH refuses to have sex with you? Don't you talk to each other? I'm guessing the answer to that is no, so it's really no wonder you've fallen out of love, it sounds like neither of you are putting any effort into the relationship.

Tell him that the dressing room is for BOTH of you, and that over the weekend, he either sorts his stuff out and gets rid of enough so that you can have your half, or next weekend, you will simply chuck half his stuff in the bin, and you won't be fussy what goes, so if he wants to keep his favourite shirts, etc., he'd better pull his finger out and get rid of the stuff he doesn't want, as no one needs a whole dressing room to themselves.

Was he the one who cleared the garage, or did you do it, and then he took it over with his car?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 03/10/2025 20:51

How long has the lack of sex been going on? Is it possible to have a conversation with him about any of this?

Swiftie1878 · 03/10/2025 20:53

Givenupshopping · 03/10/2025 20:49

OP, how can you possibly not know why your DH refuses to have sex with you? Don't you talk to each other? I'm guessing the answer to that is no, so it's really no wonder you've fallen out of love, it sounds like neither of you are putting any effort into the relationship.

Tell him that the dressing room is for BOTH of you, and that over the weekend, he either sorts his stuff out and gets rid of enough so that you can have your half, or next weekend, you will simply chuck half his stuff in the bin, and you won't be fussy what goes, so if he wants to keep his favourite shirts, etc., he'd better pull his finger out and get rid of the stuff he doesn't want, as no one needs a whole dressing room to themselves.

Was he the one who cleared the garage, or did you do it, and then he took it over with his car?

I don’t think this is really about the practical stuff; more his mindset and lack of thought for his DW.
You are way too young to continue living like this. You either need to look for help through couples counselling, or look for an exit strategy. Tbh, you both sound a bit miserable. ☹️

surprisebaby12 · 03/10/2025 20:53

Communicate with him. Staying married is very much an evolving ecosystem of growth, work and communication. Don’t focus on love, focus on the issues which are the problem of too much stuff and not enough equity in the home, and a lack of intimacy. It could be something like: “I’d really like to work together to see how we can make our home work better for both of us, as I’m feeling overwhelmed and a bit pushed out by the amount of stuff. I’d also like more spaces for my things and interests, as there isn’t space for my things too in the spare room. Could we work on this together to reduce our belongings and reassign some spaces?”

Didimum · 03/10/2025 20:54

The house is a marriage asset despite being ‘yours’, though?

BlueOceanFish · 03/10/2025 20:59

surprisebaby12 · 03/10/2025 20:53

Communicate with him. Staying married is very much an evolving ecosystem of growth, work and communication. Don’t focus on love, focus on the issues which are the problem of too much stuff and not enough equity in the home, and a lack of intimacy. It could be something like: “I’d really like to work together to see how we can make our home work better for both of us, as I’m feeling overwhelmed and a bit pushed out by the amount of stuff. I’d also like more spaces for my things and interests, as there isn’t space for my things too in the spare room. Could we work on this together to reduce our belongings and reassign some spaces?”

so much effort!

Zempy · 03/10/2025 21:05

You say that the house is “yours” so do you mean you legally protected yourself before you married DH? Otherwise it’s a marital asset he can claim against if you split.

I suggest you do split. Your life without him in it would be far better.

Original poster

fastingforweightloss · 03/10/2025 21:08

I’ve talked to him a million times about the sex thing. Nothing ever changes. I was SO in love with him. I’m regrettably done now . He has no idea.

OP posts:

JFDIYOLO · 03/10/2025 21:19

You have potentially thirty more years of this.

There are three rooms in our house which we basically can't use because they are stuffed with my partner's old ... Crap. I get it. He's in his mid seventies by the way and it only silts up more as time passes. I wish I'd done something about it when we were younger.

You say it's your (singular) house, but if you're married it belongs to you both.

You can't simply chuck his stuff out as some might suggest. There'd be nothing to stop you coming home and finding he'd done the same thing to you and your possessions.

So what do you want?

To stay together as is?

To make changes to ... Everything?

Or to end the relationship?

notatinydancer · 03/10/2025 21:21

Why are you still with him ? He sounds unbearable.