Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aging? Or Toxic?

8 replies

Saskia22 · 03/10/2025 19:19

I’m an only child. I am mid50s and after years and years of counselling was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder due to childhood emotional abuse. Caused by my mother. I was very close to my dad who sadly, after a long illness passed away last year. My mother is 78, has health problems caused by smoking like a chimney for 60+ years. She doesn’t know my mental health problems were due to her mothering. I don’t see the point as she will just use her manipulation tactic of crying and I don’t need that.
She was taken unwell, taking gobbledygook a month ago. Off to hospital she went for 4 nights. They ran tests and she has a weak heart and copd which she lied to me and said she didn’t. She’s always lied tbh.Since she’s been back from hospital she was fine at first but now she does nothing all day. She said she’s cut down on smoking to 7 a day, again debatable. She was always buzzing about doing stuff now she just says she’s tired and sits down most of the day. But she’s ok to pop out and get a coat she’s seen on fb marketplace!! I got a lovely 2 nd hand coat a couple of weeks ago. Anyway over the last fortnight she hasn’t rung me once. I now feel like I’m bothering her ( something I felt alot as a child) I have moved into my new home and she couldn’t really care less. Do I need to worry? What is going on? She has had her statins increased and on beta blockers. I’m feeling abandoned by her. Just feel everything’s a manipulation x

OP posts:
UnhappyHobbit · 03/10/2025 19:44

I think you’ve answered your own question in the first part. You’ve been diagnosed with BPD due to emotional abuse in your childhood. So the toxic behaviour isn’t new.

SeaAndStars · 03/10/2025 20:01

It sounds like your mother has always been like that OP. It must have been and must still be incredibly difficult for you.

Has your mother not spoken to you at all in the last two weeks? Has she spoken to anyone else in the family or friends? Do you think you need to worry?

Endofyear · 03/10/2025 21:26

It sounds like a very difficult relationship OP and this is obviously nothing new. Can you try and keep contact to a minimum, maybe pop in once a week or call her? Only you can decide what is manageable for you.

You say that you feel abandoned by her - this is an odd turn of phrase. You're an adult woman in your 50s and she's 78 with a whole host of health problems - what is it that you want from her? If you're hoping that she will be less selfish and show more interest in your life, you have to be realistic that this is unlikely to happen, given how she's treated you all your life. Do you have friends or other family you can look to for support? I think unless you change your expectations of your mother, you are setting yourself up for endless disappointment.

Original poster
Saskia22 · 04/10/2025 07:49

SeaAndStars · 03/10/2025 20:01

It sounds like your mother has always been like that OP. It must have been and must still be incredibly difficult for you.

Has your mother not spoken to you at all in the last two weeks? Has she spoken to anyone else in the family or friends? Do you think you need to worry?

She doesn’t have any friends and no family. Just me and my 20 year old son who I try to shield from all this. He’s at university. I just wondered why she seems to of given up. The hot/cold behaviour makes me feel like that little girl again who just wanted her mother to notice her, hug her etc. I know it will never happen. I’m ok but get quite angry still

OP posts:
Original poster
Saskia22 · 04/10/2025 07:55

Endofyear · 03/10/2025 21:26

It sounds like a very difficult relationship OP and this is obviously nothing new. Can you try and keep contact to a minimum, maybe pop in once a week or call her? Only you can decide what is manageable for you.

You say that you feel abandoned by her - this is an odd turn of phrase. You're an adult woman in your 50s and she's 78 with a whole host of health problems - what is it that you want from her? If you're hoping that she will be less selfish and show more interest in your life, you have to be realistic that this is unlikely to happen, given how she's treated you all your life. Do you have friends or other family you can look to for support? I think unless you change your expectations of your mother, you are setting yourself up for endless disappointment.

Abandonment or fear of is a key symptom of bpd. Stems from childhood when she would just ignore me.and would regularly abandon my father and I. If my dad didn’t do what she wanted she would just leave. Happened alot. I think deep down I can’t stand her but of course everyone says oh but it’s your mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Saskia22 · 04/10/2025 08:04

The lines are blurred because she has lied alot over the course of my life. I’m not sure if I need to worry or it’s another manipulation tactic, she wrote the book on manipulation. It just brings up the little girl in me wanting her mother’s love and never getting it. I’m lucky to have a lovely partner who even collected her from hospital as I was struggling at the time. Her behaviour killed my dad in the end, all the stress. She forced him to move house. My dad didn’t want to leave his home of 40 yrs. He had a really bad stroke 3 months after moving into the new house. I don’t want her stressing me out to that extent!

OP posts:
SeaAndStars · 04/10/2025 09:46

People who say 'ahh, but it's your mum' don't know what it's like for mum to be a bad thing for you. They think 'little old lady' and you see the woman she always was. You have to ignore that because only you know the history and truth about your family.

Your mum is what she always has been.

Perhaps she's given up, perhaps she's manipulating you, perhaps she's coming to the end of things? Who knows? All you can know and do is that this is your chance to step forward.

If I were you I would allocate a little time, perhaps once or twice a week to leave her a message or drop her an email. Then put it behind you and get on with your week. Put all your energy into you, your relationships and your own family. You've done enough. You can't mend her or make her the mother you'd have hoped for however hard you try. You can only live your own life.

I am so very sorry to hear about your dad. You obviously loved him very much.

Original poster
Saskia22 · 04/10/2025 14:16

Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I realise I must put myself first, and not to feel so damn guilty about it all.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page