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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not attend conference last minute?

37 replies

Avocando · 03/10/2025 07:20

I’ve written a paper which was accepted to a conference. It is in two weeks. I am expected to pay to attend (I know it’s weird I’ve had this conversation but it’s what we do for some reason) and because of the expense many people have chosen not to go. It is too expensive for me. There is a fund we can apply to but it’s really hard to get money from them and I was rejected, so MONTHS ago I said I wasn’t going.

This week a senior colleague realised this was the case and because they were relying on me to talk about the paper they have offered to pay for me out of the department budget.

I have two issues here:

1 - I have applied for another job and if I get it I will essentially have accepted money from the department to just hand in my notice, which I don’t want to do.

2 - the bigger one - I am in the middle of my fertility treatment protocol, with scheduled appointments clashing with the dates of this conference (which is over four days)

I don’t want to tell colleagues about either of these, but I’m struggling to come up with a decent excuse! I am really being pressured to accept. It would be a big deal for me re: networking and presenting my work but.. it’s not my priority at the moment.

Make an excuse or pull a colleague to the side and explain? Good excuses welcome

OP posts:
Bearbookagainandagain · 04/10/2025 08:22

Just tell them you have medical appointments and can't attend. You don't have to tell them what the appointments are about, particularly if they aren't on your regular working hours.

Cheepcheepcheep · 04/10/2025 08:25

I was also going to ask if you could present remotely.

CatMama2025 · 04/10/2025 08:31

As a couple of previous posters have suggested, ask the organisers if you can present remotely (if it works in terms of your treatment). It's really not that unusual these days so conference organisers are usually prepared for such requests. I don't think it's an either/or situation and your colleagues don't need to know anything other than you have conflicting medical appointments.

Zempy · 04/10/2025 08:42

I agree with PP. Tell them you have medical appointments and can only present remotely.

I am shocked to hear they would pry. The answer to any such probing is “it’s personal”. Repeat using the broken record technique.

TheendofmrY · 04/10/2025 09:04

Given you’d be attending in a professional capacity why didn’t you explore whether your employer would pay for it before they offered? Paying to attend (+ travel, accommodation, subsistence) an international conference out of your own pocket is most definitely not the norm in my field. You seem a bit put out that they’ve offered to pay after you weren’t able to secure funding for it.

But if the sticking point is the medical appointments it doesn’t matter where the money would be coming from and presumably you’d have had to decline even if you had been awarded the funding to attend. If you have to be here for medical appointments you have to - nobody has any right to demand further information.

olympicsrock · 04/10/2025 09:08

Reason 1 is irrelevant. Reason 2 is important.
tell them no and that you have a very important medical appointment that cannot be changed .
no more to be said

Yellowmellowmarshello · 04/10/2025 12:47

It is your choice ultimately; I've had fertility treatment and I found that to be my 'get out of jail free' card in situations I want to avoid.

That aside, anything medical is private. So, as some of PPs have suggested - just say you have a medical appointment and that you don't want to go into details.

Original poster
Avocando · 04/10/2025 17:23

TheendofmrY · 04/10/2025 09:04

Given you’d be attending in a professional capacity why didn’t you explore whether your employer would pay for it before they offered? Paying to attend (+ travel, accommodation, subsistence) an international conference out of your own pocket is most definitely not the norm in my field. You seem a bit put out that they’ve offered to pay after you weren’t able to secure funding for it.

But if the sticking point is the medical appointments it doesn’t matter where the money would be coming from and presumably you’d have had to decline even if you had been awarded the funding to attend. If you have to be here for medical appointments you have to - nobody has any right to demand further information.

If you RTFT I have definitely explained that I applied to the company funding pot for these things but they said no, and the senior colleagues only just realised the implications of this despite me having told them this a long time ago. Of course the first thing I did was explore if the company would pay, I’m not that short sighted.

I wasn’t put out they offered to pay from the department budget, I was very grateful.

The point is I just wish they had actually paid attention because if so they may have offered sooner. In that case I wouldn’t have this clash of schedules, because I would have gone and then started this cycle next month.

I KNOW it’s weird we have to pay for it, I said it at the beginning and I’ve had this conversation with so many people. It’s just how we do it and I really don’t know why.

I feel bad because I actually want to go for my career but also don’t want to mess up a protocol I’ve already begun. AND they will definitely pry because who would turn down having the department to pay for them to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Avocando · 04/10/2025 17:25

Anyway, I just told the consultant outright in the end because they were being pushy. Think they were quite embarrassed after that but tbh maybe they will learn from it.

(about the treatment. Not applying to work elsewhere)

OP posts:
Teacaketravesty · 04/10/2025 17:31

They could offer to pay you the money you’d lose by missing and rescheduling your treatment.

Dozer · 04/10/2025 17:36

First poster @Agix nailed it.

TheendofmrY · 04/10/2025 21:58

Avocando · 04/10/2025 17:23

If you RTFT I have definitely explained that I applied to the company funding pot for these things but they said no, and the senior colleagues only just realised the implications of this despite me having told them this a long time ago. Of course the first thing I did was explore if the company would pay, I’m not that short sighted.

I wasn’t put out they offered to pay from the department budget, I was very grateful.

The point is I just wish they had actually paid attention because if so they may have offered sooner. In that case I wouldn’t have this clash of schedules, because I would have gone and then started this cycle next month.

I KNOW it’s weird we have to pay for it, I said it at the beginning and I’ve had this conversation with so many people. It’s just how we do it and I really don’t know why.

I feel bad because I actually want to go for my career but also don’t want to mess up a protocol I’ve already begun. AND they will definitely pry because who would turn down having the department to pay for them to go?

Show quote history

OK sorry I thought you meant the fund you’d applied to was offered by the conference organisers rather than your company. I had RTFT, for what it’s worth.

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