Socially awkward…

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I feel like I’ve always been socially awkward but just lately I’ve noticed it’s worse. I don’t think others would notice but I feel really uncomfortable on the school run for example. I don’t want to talk to people even if I know them and find myself pretending to be on a phone call every single time! I rush my son to leave even when playing with friends because I’m uncomfortable and I don’t know why!
I am quite insecure and never feel good enough so expect this doesn’t help. I do sometimes chat to parents I know but mostly avoid them!

Help… is this common?! How can I avoid and be more confident?!

Even just going for a walk on my lunch break I find myself avoiding people and walking another direction! I am hormonal right now so tends to be worse. I take Citalopram but wonder if I’m peri and it’s making it worse!

That's why I am always happier when I have my dog with me. some will not understand, but attention is focused on him, not me

Funnily enough, the best way to get people to talk to you is to reveal your vulnerability.

Stand there doing nothing, not looking at your phone, just staring into space or watching goings-on, totally chill. Catch the eye of anyone who looks your way. Smile if it feels right.This will make it obvious to anyone who’s looking for someone to talk to that you’re available. And they will approach you. And even if nobody does, it doesn’t matter in the slightest.

I started doing this at parties recently and it’s brilliant. I realised I’d been totally self-sabotaging with all the time I’d spent trying to look busy and important.

It’s hard to do at first but it soon became ones easy!

People often say they're socially awkward when it's actually social anxiety. You can self refer to your local IAPT/Talking Therapies service and have an assessment for social anxiety. It's really thorough and therapy is available on the NHS to give you strategies to tackle it. No need to live like this!

The reason you’re avoiding people is because you want to reject them before they have a chance to reject you. Also, chat can be hard work and you want to save the effort.

But OP doesn't want them to speak to her, that's the point of the post.

Maybe you just don’t want to talk to them 🤷‍♀️

I do this in situations where I really don’t want to be cornered by someone annoying or drawn into an endless wittering conversation I can’t get out of.

There was a parent at DC’s last school who, once she started talking, seemed physically unable to stop, and would kind of chase you down the road still talking, and keep talking to you through the window as you got into your car. We all used to panic when we saw her coming as there was just no getting away in under 45 mins. Since then I take pains to ensure nobody thinks I’m available for conversation 🤣

The only way out is to push against the behaviour you don’t like towards the behaviour you do and practice. It takes hard work to overcome the anxiety but it’s perfectly possible.

I rush my son to leave even when playing with friends

That's not very fair on him though.

I have a rare genetic condition that overlaps with autism traits. I have always hated small talk, parties, organised social events and when I got married I couldn't wait to get home from the wedding and lock the world outside. The happiest moment of getting married was coming home. I questioned this a lot when younger, and tried to force myself to socialise. It wasn't a happy experience for me, and I stopped when I realised I just wasn't interested in many other people. Something bad happened to me a few years ago (major life threatening accident followed by cancer diagnosis). It changed how I felt about other people, and I came to value time and life span to the point where I just accepted I am the way I am. Maybe that is extreme introversion, and maybe it is the autism but I am not going to let others judge me for being me. Whatever the case, I wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way, and if you learn to accept yourself for your preferences then life just gets better. You stop caring what other people think and start to focus on what you want to do guilt-free.

I could have written this post. I am finding since starting peri-menopause I have less tolerance for making small talk with people who I am really not that interested in. I know that sounds awful! My DC is no longer at primary school so at least I get to dodge all the school drop off and pick ups and parties. Most of it was toxic anyway, slagging off other parents and teachers.

A great piece of advice about small talk is that the conversation is more like keeping a balloon in the air rather than hitting a ball across a tennis court.

Things you can say to keep the balloon in the air

"tell me more about...[what ever you just said]."

"that is something/not something I have experienced, why do you think that is?"

"that sounds tough/interesting/amazing/healthy... did you think of it yourself or did you find out about it from someone else? "

Practice with AI ( as it is a language model). Its a skill that you have to practice regularly but it gets you most of the way to where you want to go.

I'm exactly the same as you. I found the school run years hell and would arrive at the gate as late as possible to avoid as much social interaction as possible although I'm sure they were all very nice people. I'm very awkward and found it difficult and draining. At nearly 60 I have accepted I'm an introvert and am OK with it although I'm sure many would consider me an odd bod. Well, so be it!. You can't always avoid social interaction but be yourself OP, there's lots of us awkward folk about!

I feel the same OP. I resonate with all this and feel it’s a combination of the below points other people have said:

”the reason you’re avoiding people is because you want to reject them before they have a chance to reject you.” I sometimes walk past people I know and avoid eye contact and I feel rude and awful about myself after but I know I will feel even worse if I try to make eye contact with them or say hi and they ignore me! It’s a vicious circle.

”I really don’t want to be cornered by someone annoying or drawn into an endless wittering conversation I can’t get out of.” I feel this on the school run a lot and keep myself to myself, focus on my children and I do this:”arrive at the gate as late as possible to avoid as much social interaction as possible although I'm sure they were all very nice people.”

Underneath it all I know I’m a friendly, kind and fun person. In the right situation and with the right kind of people I’m very chatty and interested in listening to what others have to say. I often feel rubbish that I don’t come across that way a lot of the time to people who don’t know me well but it is what it is I suppose. After almost a decade of school runs I’ve made my peace with the way I am.

This sounds like it’s becoming overwhelming for you. The phrase “ never feel good enough” jumped out at me.

Have you read about Imposter Syndrome? There’s a really helpful book ( link below)
I’d try to reframe the school run in terms of how does it look for your child. You could stand and watch him play looking relaxed and happy ( even if you are anxious inside) Is there another parent who also doesn’t seem to interact much? Maybe try basic small talk with them?

Pretending to be on your phone might make you look disconnected ( which I know is what you are aiming for)
Also taking him away from playing with his friends might pass on your anxieties to him.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Imposter-Cure-mind-trap-imposter-syndrome/dp/1783253061/ref=asc_df_1783253061?mcid=9c39d35b9d16336e8bacd076de51916a&hvocijid=13137843231139714366-1783253061-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=13137843231139714366&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9195089&hvtargid=pla-2281435177578&psc=1&gad_source=1

Being an introvert is not the same as being socially awkward.
An introvert enjoys being with people and chatting to them. They just need time alone to recharge.

A socially awkward person is just that.

I wish people would stop misusing the term introvert.

Hear hear. I’m very introverted, need huge amounts of alone time, but, unless I’ve not had enough solo time to recharge, I am very socially confident , and enjoy meeting new people and my friendships.

She totally does. She’s just scared to.

She wants to be more confident.

Absolutely true but the two can be linked. I am an introvert and very socially confident. But when I was young I was shy and very socially awkward. It took a lot of conscious work, forcing myself to talk to people, to make the change. I’m very glad I did because now I talk to whoever I feel like and hang out with friends and then take alone time whenever I need it.

The link, though, was that because I didn’t feel as much need to be with people as an extrovert did, I had less reason to make myself sociable. Being self-sufficient means it’s easier not to make the effort.

But personally I think it’s well worth making the effort. It puts you in the driving seat of your own social life, plus hanging out with people is FUN and life-enhancing, even if you only do it for small amounts of time.

You have to practice. I'm in a senior position at work, part of my husband's large family - but I have to force myself out of my comfort zone to talk to people. It gets easier.

My natural position is to try and avoid talking but instead I take baby steps - use it or lose it.

Start by smiling at shop assistants or bus drivers - that sort of thing. Say something about the weather - make a small connection - that's all. Say hello on the school run.

You don't have to follow it up - but don't be disheartened if you don't get a connection back.

As other have said - there is counselling you can get.