Overstepping the mark or am I overreacting?

[Yellowheart79]

Need thoughts on whether my friend is being a true mate or is trying to cut me down. Or am I just overreacting?

My friend is quite logical and practical and loves scientifically backed research on all areas of parenting and feeding etc.

She has a lot of money and lived in a fully paid off (huge) house and fully paid off 2025 £50,000 car.

When I arrived at her house she told me my 10 year old car smelled and had white smoke coming out the exhaust when she drove behind me. It does this because it’s old and isn’t low emission like her car. I can’t afford an upgrade but it made me feel quite embarrassed.

I had also confided in her about worries i’d been having about my 3-year-old son who is copying other children all the time.
She then admitted to me that she had been observing him (!!!!) and that his copying was extreme and she’d never seen anything like it before and that I should speak to the nursery for strategies. I felt so angry and shocked and upset. I’m a teacher and she’s also worked with kids before but I couldn’t believe she was passing judgement on my child and admitting she’s been observing. She’s probably been researching it all too and come to the conclusion that the copying wasn’t good.
I was furious and upset.

Then she quizzed me about what school I’ll be sending my son too. My husband and I have quietly been saving HARD for private school and she completely lost her mind at this. She told me it was so expensive and questioned whether I was pushing my child too hard. She basically shut down after finding out what school he was going to and it became clear she wanted the play date to end at that point.

I came away feeling worthless. My husband and I don’t brag or boast. We are quiet about what we want for our son and I feel very under attack.
Knowing her, I know she wouldn’t treat others like this. It’s because I don’t bite back.

It’s a very surface level friendship but it annoys me that she thinks she is a perfect parent and seems to enjoy every moment with her very bright and able toddler.

I don’t want her watching my child like this. I feel really uncomfortable and angry. Am I just massively overreacting?

She doesn't sound like a friend to me, why do you consider her to be one?

Yes you’re overreacting.

Tbh you sound quite consumed with jealousy about her financial situation.

If your son has a behaviour that’s noticeable (as you’ve mentioned) then it’s natural that she will have observed it, especially if she’s previously worked with children.

You are overreacting. You have 'observed' a behaviour in you son that worries you. She has 'observed' the same - but you are furious at her for doing so. Batshit.

She may be making you aware of your car from a kindness perspective in case you didn't know.

You brought up your DC habits so opened the conversation. Why wouldn't a friend discuss your concerns with their observations?

Private school is stupidly expensive. She is only checking you have considered the long term cost/benefits/risks.

I think you are reading too much into this due to your own self esteem.

I agree with PP. I would want a friend to tell me if they thought something was wrong with my. You might not have seen the smoke coming from your exhaust. You were concerned enough about your son’s behaviour to tell her about it, why get defensive when she agrees with you? I’m guessing if she’d said she’d kept an eye on him and thought there was as nothing to be concerned about, you’d have been perfectly fine with her observing him.

Perhaps you would be happier with friends who have the same funds as you (or less) and take very little notice of what you say

You sound as if you hate this woman, and that’s likely why these things have pissed you off. The car thing, why were you embarrassed? She was letting you know in case you didn’t know. If she mentioned it every time she saw you and made snide comments about you being unable to afford a new car or fix it, I could see the issue - but you’ve said she mentioned in one time.

YOU brought up the concern about your child. She then agreed with you and you’ve taken the hump? Were you hoping you were being paranoid and she would say she hadn’t noticed? Even if she had bought it up first, I cannot see why you would be upset that someone is looking out for your child and wanting to make sure they get the support needed.

The school thing is a bit odd. But maybe given you say about having an older car that you can’t afford to replace etc, she thinks you haven’t fully thought out the cost of private school. From things I’ve read, if money is tight, you might be better using state school at primary level and saving the money it would have cost you so that you can use that for secondary school instead. She probably thought, as your friend, she could discuss this with you and make sure you understood the costs involved etc.

Does she have any idea how much you hate her, if how jealous you are of her? For both of your benefits, I’d suggest cooking the friendship as it’s clearly not working.

I'd say overreacting, but clearly you don't gel and should just knock this on the head, especially as it's just a casual friendship.

Doesn't sound like a friend or a friendship if im honest. What do you get out of this situation aside from guilt, embarrassment and anger?

Drop it. Pull back

Surround your person with people who make you happy and feel good about yourself! She may not intend to make you feel bad but she has so her intention is by the by.

I’d add that an older car being run into the ground is more environmentally friendly than a new car every 3 years. We have a 4 yo car but previously had an old one (well, it became old over the years and we kept it) and people definitely judge and make assumptions. Then they’d see our house and say “you live here?!?” Dh and I like a comfy car but really not fussed about the badge - I’m always amazed by people who are fussed; they all look the same to me.

Private school is crazy expensive and imo not always better. But you are the expert in your dc so make the decisions using all your info.

I don't really understand her reaction about the school. It's weird, but there must be more to it for her to want to end the play date due to this. I feel we're missing half of the discussion here.

You're overreacting on the rest. She told you about your car because she probably thought you didn't know it was smoking.
The comment about your 3yo was in response to your concerns! How can you be upset with her agreeing with you?!

Not sure what the cost of her house or car has to do with any of this, she didn't make any comments related to your or her finances...

You don't sound like you like her much, why are you friends.

To be honest if I saw smoke coming from the exhaust of someone's car I'd probably let them know too!!!