One sided friendships - stopped asking to make plans

[Username9742]

I’m part of a close friendship group and we’ve all been friends for years.

One of the group has 2 kids, when her first child was born. She ended up a single mum for a while and I did a lot to help her, cooking dinners, cleaning, looking after the baby whilst she went to work. In hindsight a lot for someone who had never had a child or understood what the newborn trenches were at that time. Understandably said friend would bring DC1 to a lot of our girls nights, without asking any of the other group members. Although it was annoying, we understood she was a single mother and couldn’t always get childcare. It all changed when DC1 behaviour became terrible, often screaming down the house for the whole of the night. Which left all of us drained and not enjoying the time we were spending together at all. Naturally the girls time ended up becoming less of a thing as we didn’t want to upset friend by not inviting her. Friend has since has second child and doesn’t make much effort to make plans with any of us.

I have since had my own DC and I’m quite taken back by how little friend has been there for me. I can understand completely my childless friends as nobody understands newborn life pre-children but as someone who has been through it, you know how to also be there for your friends. I have seen friend once and my DC is 6 months old.

Recently I have been making plans to see other members of the group, as they activity try to make plans with me also, it’s very two way. Friend has now gone in a mood over the fact I have been meeting up with other people, even thought no effort has been made from her side to meet up with me.

1. am I unreasonable for expecting friend to have made more effort when my own DC came along?
2. am I being unreasonable for only making time for friends who are actively trying to make time for me?

How do you expect your friend (with two children) to support you? Are you making it clear you need supporting or are you just expecting her to reciprocate what you did for her during her time in need?

Your friend sounds selfish but if she had 2 by the time you had your first then it would have been very difficult for her to help you out much. I'd not bother to try and keep this friendship going.

I guess some form of reciprocation to a certain degree, even just bringing over some hot food whilst in the thick of it would have been something. Unsure to be honest, I just think if the shoe was on the other foot I would have done something even if small to offer a bit of help. I am more than happy to accept if I’m being unreasonable on this as I know one child is hard enough let alone two.

YANBU. I've got a friend who only wants to do what they want when they want to do it. It's not conscious behaviour on their part, I enjoy their company and they are supportive in other ways. I accept them as they are and maintain the friendship, but I tend not to initiate our meet-ups (because no point!).

But your situation is a bit different. She lets you know she is annoyed you are meeting up with other people?!? I can't be dealing with high maintenance "friends" like this. I would be quite blunt with her and focus your energy into your other friendships.

YANBU I’ve been through this the other way around. As in I had DC’s first, had no help at all and didn’t expect it because they didn’t have them.
How would your friend take it if you said you felt unsupported?
It’s hard to know when to mention issues and when to walk away. I’ve recently stepped back from a friend who has been quite patronising and had a real air of self importance about her for being a mum. She wasn’t being a friend at all, everything had to suit her dc who wasn’t a baby anymore

I think the support bit is a bit subjective, if you've got a partner she might think they should be supporting you, and if her kids are still young she is going to be limited in what she can do anyway.

But getting moody when you make plans with others, when she doesn't attempt to make plans with you, is a bit shitty and hypocritical

Why doesn't she organise meet ups if she's so bothered?
I think i wouldn't bother if she's expecting you to do all the running.

Not all friendships are for life. The mistake people make is trying to stay friends when the other party doesn’t care. Take a step back.

Just tell her. ' I get the sense that you are upset that I've met with X and not you. The difference is they have messages me to meet and you haven't. I'm still finding my feet as a mum so arranging meetups isn't top of my priority list right now. I'm sure you understand '

Firstly you can end friendships for any reason, I don’t take issue with you doing that.

However, I would say this is a weird thing to get hung up on - you can put a ready meal in the oven and get a hot meal sorted yourself whilst you’re in the thick of it - it’s not really something I would expect someone to do to offer support. So whilst I’m not saying you need to be friends with her; you might have an unrealistic expectation of what friends do to give support. I don’t think my friends or family have ever gone out of their way to deliver me hot food - they might at most order food to my house. But I don’t see that as a benchmark of care.

1. YABU, nobody is obliged to help with friends’ newborns, it was nice that you did but you’re (I presume) not a single mother struggling like she was
2. YANBU, make your effort with those who reciprocate

I feel like this should be a pinned post at the top of this site.

Roughly half of the threads on here these days are about one-sided friendships, or being ‘ghosted’, or friends not making an effort. People can’t seem to recognise they’re flogging a dead horse and move on.