I’m a mug / yes man and I know it! How do I stop being like this?

[Helpmeout0822]

I guess I already know I’m unreasonable… and I know I need to change things. But, I’m a mug. I let other peoples issues become my issues, I’m way too available and I don’t like to say no / put in healthy boundaries.

I have had therapy for this in the past as I genuinely take on others issues / problems like a sponge and feel “bad” for saying no or I’m busy. I believe it started from an abusive relationship in my early 20’s.

I’m constantly there for others and find they are not there so much for me. I will stop what I’m doing to be there for friends, mainly my closest friend. I will let her pop over, go to her, spend hours messaging or calling if she’s going through her life crisis’s but when it’s me I’ve noticed she will take hours to respond, make me feel like my problems aren’t bad and genuinely isn’t there for me like I am for her.
I struggle to say no to my work if they ask me to do extra hours / shifts even if I hate doing so
I will say yes to seeing family or friends even if my schedule is busy

Over the last 6 or so weeks I’ve really noticed how available I constantly am for others and that I do get taken for a mug, even from people I love. People are so used to me being there should they ever need me.

I’m a mum to a young child and I really don’t want her seeing mummy like this and becoming this way.

I’d really appreciate tips on how to do a complete 180 from being this way. Bonus points if you are a recovering people pleaser!!

Watch all the Brene Brown YouTube stuff. She’ll kick your arse into having boundaries and self respect. You listen to her and wonder why you ever laid yourself out so easily as a doormat for people who don’t give a flying fuck about you.

Good luck and well done for trying to break this for your dd. It’s so important that little children see strong female role models. 💐

Thank you! I will check Brene out x

Is it ok if you give examples with periods and how you had to leave housework, childcare or your own plans for the weekend in order to be with others....I cannot see what you mean otherwise

I hate to admit this but I know it’s a problem and good to chat about it

I can literally be out with DD and DH but be messaging back friends who text saying they need me, instead of saying “I’m busy”

My friend is in a back and forth relationship, she won’t leave but will consistently come to me weekly telling me all the bad things her fiancé has done. I have given up my “me time” after a long day at work and parenting when I should be taking care of myself to go and see this friend and hear the same story again and again. If I need support from the friend she won’t make me a priority regardless of the fact I’m always there for her issuee

My Mil And DM look after my child whilst I work and I have asked them to do extra days if my boss asks me to work even if I’d rather be with DD because I hate saying no

i want to break the cycle and I want to do it now. I’m a push over / too available.

Start saying no. I am busy, see you next week, in 2 weeks time etc. Don't listen to adults about emotional issues, these never end if people don't control their own lives

Don’t change who you are or how you are cos of this the real ones will find u and stay know ur worth I was and still can sometimes be this way but I have learnt hard and years who to be and not to be for x

Don’t change who u are and how u are just need to learn and realise the real ones and who to be this way for took me till 34 to now start seeing and realising and wow I now know and see who to be this way for and it shows who is real for u u will get there it’s hard but I cnaged being like this for ppl and we’ll never let it stop u being you x

A big part of your problem, given your examples, is that you have emotionally unstable and self-obsessed people in your life. These people fight hard against boundaries, and are never going to offer reciprocal support. It’s mad even to hope for it.

Slowly ease these people out of your life and notice the huge difference it makes to your sense of peace and self esteem.

Sometimes you can’t start to set / enforce boundaries until you’re out from under the worst of the boundary-pushers, because they will keep you in an anxious guilty state of always feeling you’re letting them down / not doing enough / they’ll kill themselves or self harm or end up destitute without your constant support.

Remember that you are totally replaceable to these folks. Even if they claim you’re their best friend, the only one who really understands them, etc - this is just how they’ve groomed you.

People with bottomless need like this are very good at getting other people to prop them up - and once they’re tired of having a go at you for abandoning them (or some other hyperbolic bullshit language - abandonment, betrayal, heartbreak yadda yadda) they’ll move on and find someone else’s life force to drain away.

And you’ll suddenly be much more assertive than you ever thought you could be, because you’re not struggling under the weight of unstable people’s paranoid projections all the time.

I think the hardest part is actually acknowledging to yourself that this is happening .. half the battle is done coz you can see what people are doing and how it’s affecting you , you’ve sort of figured out that you’re not happy with it and now it’s just finding out a way of not letting it continue without changing who you are …

Yiu just need a few firmer boundaries .