Awkward stranger with DC

[KeenSnail]

So, I’m 38 weeks pregnant. My DC is 22 months old (very sweet, well behaved child.)

This week I went into a fast food chain I was using one of those self service kiosks to place my order with my toddler on my hip. DC would have stood happily at my feet but I thought they would enjoy seeing me tapping the screen which is why I was carrying them.

A worker came up to us and started playing with my DC (she was probably 50-60). It started with high fives and then she was asking me the name and age ect. All a little chaotic and distracting while I was trying to order but it was all friendly and with good intentions. Then she announced ‘come to me, mummy is too busy to hold you’ she then assumptively held her arms out to take DC. I politely but firmly said ‘No thank you, I’m happy holding him’ she looked a bit upset but nodded.

We then collected the food tray (which I carried in one hand up the stairs with my toddler still on my hip so just to clarify I’m really not in need of a helping hand.)

The worker then came upstairs shortly after us and proceeded to stand at the end our table for the entirety of our meal. Asking me a question about DC at what felt like every mouthful.

I’m not annoyed, I understand she was just enjoying the interaction with a happy child but my gosh it was tedious… I just wanted a quick and easy meal but instead ended up being in an endless cycle of small talk and awkward silence.

Surly working in a restaurant you know customer service is important but practically shadowing a child from the moment they walk in until they leave is a bit awkward and OTT?

It's a shame too because it was probably my last meal out with DC before baby arrives.

I’m thinking that her trying to hold DC, the overfamiliar touching of my toddler and the assumption we wanted her to talk to us for the whole meal is just a lack of understanding boundaries!

It does seem to be that way doesn’t it 🤦‍♀️ haha

You don't need to justify it, op, people here seem to forget, its mumsnet where people write their problems, that's what its for. I also would find it hard to tell someone to leave me be. I've never been like that and the fact that the woman wasn't aggressive or unkind makes it harder.

I think she was kind to offer help but the watching you eat would have made me uncomfortable too. I think as well you get so little time now to actually just breathe and switch off as a mother so you probably just wanted that break too [as much as you can get with a toddler]😅

If I were you, I'd just let it go. Could you bring a kindle or book with you next time, obviously you aren't going to use them with your baby beside you but just to deter anyone 😅🤣 good luck with your new arrival.

So weird.

I think she probably was neuro diverse or just massively lacks social cues.

I bet she’s had complaints from other people before. You can’t be the first person this has happened to. How fucking annoying though.

I had this a lot when I had an infant when living abroad. Some other cultures are warmer and more tactile than ours, generally find infants fascinating, and share the parental load throughout the "village", so it's quite normal for them to pick up a non-blood related child and soothe or entertain them.

It took a little bit of getting used to at first but it became quite endearing.

Doesn't relate directly to your case as you were here but I understand the initial twang of anxiety when someone engaged in that way with your infant.

Exactly.
Just gently say something if you want to eat.

Yabu to refer to a fast food place as eating out......
Yuck.

Well it’s not eating in! 🤣

Aw thank you, that’s really kind of you to say. x

@FrauPaige it was fairly normal, in London, in some restaurants for staff, who were not overworked, to take and coo over babies, allowing the parents to eat in peace, without evil intent.

Maybe you expect McDonald’s workers to be underpaid and overworked and so can’t afford to be generous without an underlying motive like kidnapping your child to sell into slavery?

By all statistics the people most likely to harm a child are those already known to them rather than strangers or random people encountered in daily life.

Think you need to talk to her manager as it seems she was a bit full on (and understatement I know but can't think of another way of putting this)

The initial interaction and offering to hold your DS, given you are pregnant, wasn't too bad. Although definitely not in line with societal expectations these days. But standing over you for the entirety of your meal was out of order and just plain weird.

Sometimes a certain number of staff in these places are on the spectrum, which is great that they take them on, as it’s hard for them to get jobs. Sorry it spoilt your lunch but no real harm done.

Years ago during a long haul flight with 3yo and 6mo, we were on the front row of seats and across from us were two West Indian ladies. Dh and myself were trying to settle Dc and I needed the loo, one of the ladies offered to hold the baby who was screaming, I turned to Dh and raised my eyebrows, he nods ok.
I handed her baby and as I walked away heard just silence, when I came back I stood next to her and she said baby was settled so it’s ok if you want some rest.
I was desperate for rest as we’d been travelling since 3am, so dozed off.
I kid you not the two middle aged ladies looked after her, gave her bottles, changed her nappy and nursed her the whole 9 hour flight.

They were angels and everyone was saying how lucky we were to have these lovely nannies on the flight.
Baby didn’t make a sound…
Don’t think this would happen these days though….

I think you are replying to the wrong person as I am fine with it, find it warm, and will pick up other people's children when in that environment myself

It's one of those situations where I just would have been rude and tell her to leave us...

I'm so grumpy (inwardly) when it comes to strangers interacting with me/my toddlers when I'm out. I've got 2, I just cant engage in conversation on top of everything else going around me. I don't even want the offers of help because it might look hard from the outside but it's just my daily normal and the interaction is just slowing me down. I hate the attention, and am usually pretty stressed so can't relate to their adoring comments.

So I would have loathed the experience you had.

As your children navigate pre-school and then school you will have situations whereby you need to advocate for your child, now is the time to learn to speak up.

If it happens again a polite but firm, “it has been lovely talking to you, but we want to finish our meal together now” should do the trick. If not escalate to “you can leave now as we want to enjoy our meal together” should do the trickx

My 16month old would be fascinated by the screen and me tapping at it and it changing etc. If it was quiet and no queue she would love to be able to ‘help’ me tap.

Unrelated, but I remember going out for a family meal in local pub. We bumped into an acquaintance at said pub. He stood over our table for the entire meal gassing at us. I have NO IDEA why we didn’t just say “lovely to see you Paul, but we’re going to eat our meal now”. Easy to be wise after the event. Some folk have no radar.

You have more patience than me OP, and people say I am a patient person. In my 40s, I have come to a point where I have stopped making excuses for others when I am uncomfortable and just speak up to finish the interaction or with actions show that I am disengaged, like turning my back.

Oh good, neurodiverse bingo night.

That's been my experience of Caribbean people too. Warm, no fuss, and excellent with kids

This would have irritated me too. I'm not a people-y person, I like my own space and peace and just to be around people I'm comfortable with. Not have strangers hang over me while I eat.

What I tend to do I get more and more short with them until they get the message I'm not up for chatting, one word answers and as dismissive replies. Or focus all my attention on my child and slightly turn away from the person. Or be very direct and say 'we'd like to eat our lunch now.' It tends to the job. I would only ever do this where someone has overstepped boundaries, not if it's just polite chit chat or friendliness.

and then the same ones shout and scream that it is not taken seriously yet someone posts on my child did this or a person did that and they are ok it down to ADHD autism etc on one line with no basis this is exactly why no one takes these conditions seriously

I’d have phrased it as “I’ll let you get on with your work now”, deflects the responsibility