To give up trying to be involved with his family?

[GBBO95]

I have been with my partner for a year and a bit. He is at my house quite a lot (we pretty much unofficially live together), and is quite involved with my family (he is always invited out with us, etc). His family is a very different story. I have met his mum twice, one of his sisters once and his niece twice. I haven’t met his dad or any of his other siblings apart from speaking to two of them on FaceTime. There has been no effort on his part to meet them either, I’m never invited anywhere or anything. He just keeps our life and his life with them very separate.

I have got to the point where I just stop asking about meeting them and stop asking about them in general.

AIBU to basically give up trying to make an effort with his side of the family? I know it might still seem like early days but with our living situation and how involved he is with my side of the family, it seems serious in that sense and I just feel a little disappointed that I don’t have a connection with anyone else in his life.

Is he generally close with his family?

I would say he is, he sees his parents about once a week and his siblings whenever they are around (obviously taking into account their work schedules and own plans). Always meet up for birthdays and each other’s celebrations, etc.

Talk to him about it?

Have you asked him why you are not included?
is it coming from him or his family?

So if they went for a birthday meal would you not be invited?

He is at my house quite a lot (we pretty much unofficially live together)

Where does he officially live?

What reason does he give for not inviting you when he goes out for birthdays and celebrations?

I don’t know who it’s coming from, and I feel awkward bringing it up because I don’t want to feel like I’m begging to be invited if I’m not wanted there if that makes sense. I don’t get invited on anyone’s birthday and he never gives a reason why, he just says his plans with them like it’s not an option or expectation or the norm for me to be included or invited along. He says it in a way that makes it very clear it’s separate from our life together

He has his own place but is always at mine

Stop feeling embarrased and ask why you're not invited.It's not really acceptable, at least you've met some family members but were you introduced as his girlfriend?
I know two women who went on like you are now for at least 10 years, never being included.
One never met any of his family until he was seriously ill.
If you want to recognised by his family members find out now why your not being imcluded don't waste years of your life.

I think it's a bit odd you don't get invited to family things/birthday meals if he is going.
I would speak to him about it.
What were his mum/siblings like when you did see them?

I was definitely introduced as his girlfriend and he has never shied away from that or tried to hide it from anyone. Whenever I have seen his mum and when I did meet his sister, it seemed to go quite well and we all seemed to get along. It does hit a bit of a nerve but I do feel awkward bringing it up because I think if he wanted me there then he would invite me and if it’s coming from his family and they don’t want me there for whatever reason, that’s equally as shitty but I know it can’t continue like that forever otherwise his life will literally be split in half between us all

F

how are the family’s relationship with his siblings partners or previous partners? If it’s just the family norm for partners to not be invited fair enough. If you are getting treated differently, then I think maybe he doesn’t consider you a serious long term relationship.

I’m torn on this one, mainly because you said he is pretty close to his family and so for me if you’re not going to be involved then the relationship is going nowhere. If you have children together is he going to take those children along to family parties, meals, to see his parents etc and leave you at home?

If he wasn’t close with his family then that would be different. I’m not close at all with my PIL, in all the years we’ve been together we’ve never all gone for a family meal- I think the only time we’ve ever had a meal together was on our wedding day, and the only “family events” we have all attended have been funerals, christening & out wedding, they’ve never been the type to invite us round for a cuppa or pop round to ours. That’s all totally fine and has zero impact on our lives, doesn’t bother me at all, because that’s the same relationship my husband has with them so my relationship with them, or lack of, is an extension of that.

I would feel very differently if my husband was going round for dinner once a week, all going out for family meals/celebrations etc regularly and I was never invited.

I feel awkward bringing it up

Well, that's on you.

I wouldn't have a partner where I was not welcome to meet up with his family.

This might be a controversial view, but having had to deal with awful in-laws, have you looked on the bright side to all this? Basically, you get him, him to hang with your family, but don't have to hang with his! Sounds perfect. Usually in-laws/DP's family is the price you have to pay for a relationship. Looks like you are getting a freebie here! Enjoy and don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

This does sound very odd and personally I’d be thinking he is ashamed of you or they don’t want you there. I would want to make sure as understand the reason he is keeping you away from his family before going any further in this relationship. Have you invited them over to your house or have you tried to make plans with them? What would he say to that?

If he wanted you involved, you would be. Sorry but the fact that he isn’t including you with his family says that he isn’t serious about a long term relationship. While your relationship is all based on him being in your life, he is free to walk away as easy as he likes. When you are involved with his home and his family, walking away from the relationship is more complicated, but that’s why it’s a sign of commitment.

Is there an ex still on the scene? My friend got with a divorced man, but the ex wife was still very much on the scene. They had split amicably and his parents felt very fondly of her. She was therefore always still invited to family meals/parties etc. Although my friend was sometimes invited, that trailed off as (understandably) it was a little awkward and the in-laws clearly preferred the ex over her. Their relationship didn’t last.

I had the opposite trouble of a partner trying to foist his family on me when I was L/C with mine. We had been going out for a year - not living together. He had 2 children by a former wife and was constantly on at me to meet them, plus his parents. I told him that as I had not inlicted my parents on him I did not want to meet his family. I preferred to carry on a FWB relationship and had no intention of taking it any deeper.. He told me that if I rejected his family I was rejecting him. It was not that they had done anything wrong - just that one lot of parents is enough to manage. I was also determined to be childfree so had no interest in another woman's children. To me it was a deal breaker to become involved with his family so we split.