Sister’s speech made me sad

[Luvna]

Sister had an intimate dinner with her bridesmaids and very close friends ahead of her wedding this weekend. It was a lovely evening overall.

Sister went around thanking everyone and saying something sentimental about each attendee. When it came to me sister didn’t comment on any of my attributes like she did for everyone else. Instead she said something along the lines of “I know we fight but I love you very much”. She repeated the fight part a couple of times. The last bit is very nice of course. Rationally, I know that’s the bit I should focus on.

But everyone had nice things said about them ie you are the kindest person I’ve ever met/you are the person I call when I need a laugh etc.

I don’t know it just stung. I’m going through a divorce and moved into my brother’s annexe so feel a tad vulnerable I suppose. Didn’t expect to be a divorcee at 30. We were only married at 18 months so it’s been an emotional rollercoaster

For context my sister and I are very close but the kind of close where you can say anything. It does mean we have tiffs but nothing serious.

I am maid of honour.

I’m not going to mention it. Just wondering if I’m being a cry baby really.

Im having a very tough year. I guess I just feel all alone in this world

I think she just means that she almost takes for granted how much she loves you despite your squabbles. She doesn't have to spell it out to you, you're her blood. I can see it would hurt but I really don't think she meant to hurt you. She's chosen YOU, her sister, above all these friends to be her MoH. Focus on that.

My sister decided to wrote her own eulogy at a memorial for our mother and spoke only about things our mother had done for/ with her! We all thought it was funny and quite typical.

You are having a really tough year and you are having to paint a smile on for your sister's nuptials despite it probably bringing a lot of stuff back for you. You are hurting and sometimes people's words hit harder when you are feeling low, particularly in a situation that you yourself were looking forward to not so long ago. I know how it feels. I separated from Mr Cheater on our first anniversary - I was 27. The divorce came through just under a year later. It was rough.

I think on another day her words wouldn't have impacted you on the way that they did, but you're still getting back on your feet and so you are feeling more raw than ever. For what it is worth - my sister and I have a middling relationship because she's a bloody nightmare - we don't fight, but we're not amazingly close either. I think we tolerate one another. You and your sister have a bond, she chose you as her MOH and that counts for a lot. Just be nice to yourself while you lick your wounds a bit. I don't think she meant to hurt you, I think sometimes we can only be so blunt with those that we love. And she loves you.

I very much doubt she meant to hurt you. I can see that you would have cherished a bit more from her. I would suggest writing the sort of things you would have liked to hear in her wedding card and giving it to her on the day. It may make her more likely to open up more on what she loves about you.

I can see how it would hurt when it feels like she has found something she admires in everyone else. I think she means she can't imagine anyone else being her sister, she loves you and knows you love her, despite fighting sometimes. Almost like she doesn't have to list your good points because she takes them for granted. Could you talk to her about this, suggest you both say 3 things you like about the other, without being too accusatory? (One of the things you like about her may be the way she can identify good characteristics in her friends.)

Well… every other bridesmaid is someone she’s chosen to be a close friend because of their qualities. We don’t get to choose siblings. It sounds like she loves you but even you seem to admit you wouldn’t be friends if not related.

You are feeling understandably incredibly vulnerable at the moment so of course it makes you more susceptible to taking things to heart. If you have a generally good relationship, I very much doubt she meant to hurt you on purpose. If you are maid of honour, she must value you so much. If you feel able to, why don’t you have a chat with her about how vulnerable you are feeling? Sometimes being this open can open the door for more connection.