Who was wrong

[MiserableMrsMopp]

Last year I bought my DP expensive tickets to see an artist he loves. I'm not keen, but it was a birthday present for him. He was delighted.

A week before the event, he told me his DD, her partner, and his EX WIFE would also be there and we'd be meeting up with them at the event. DD had bought tickets, knowing this was his bday gift from me.

His DD and I don't get on, neither do his ex wife (remarried, she left him for her new DH) & I. Both of them have interfered in our relationship, so I now keep my distance.

Needless to say, I wasn't happy about this arrangement. As the DD's partner didn't yet have a ticket to the event, I offered mine up for him. DP was insistent I went, telling me I was selfish for not wanting to go anymore and that it was unfair to him (I was never really that keen, I was going for his benefit).

I went, but the weekend was ruined. I think DP enjoyed it, but it wasn't as good as it would have been if it had been just us.

Who was wrong here? I suspect me, but find it hard to be balanced about this.

I always try to take intention into account.

Do you think dd's intention was to enjoy a night out for her Dad's birthday? Or did she go to get at you?

I think if it had just been her and her DP, it could have been innocent. But bringing her mother along made it something else.

But is it acceptable to gate crash something booked by someone you don't like? Knowing it would cause a problem?

I'm struggling to see why you were in the wrong.

You bought him a present that you knew he would enjoy. And it sounds as though his Dd and his ex wife deliberately set out to spoil things for you.

Your Partner must be very obtuse if he doesn't understand his exwife coming along to an event you had organised for his birthday was totally inappropriate and calculated to upset you .

What exactly do you think you did wrong?

I think I could have been nicer about it. It WAS his birthday. No, I didn't want to spend a whole afternoon/evening with them, but refusing to do so would have blighted his birthday

But I do think DD & Ex were arses.

Why was he not annoyed with his ex wife?
You were put in a no- win situation.
If he really couldn't see that then there is something far wrong. It comes over that he actually was pleased to be the centre of attention of 3 women: his dd, his ex wife and his current partner. And it doesn't paint him in a good light. Does he still hold a candle for her?

Don't think so @Bringitonicancope. Yes, possibly enjoying being the centre of attention. But their relationship was over 22 years ago, so it'd be a long flame!

They have a very weird family dynamic which is another reason I distanced myself. From him too.

OMG you are totally not in the wrong. You bought a special gift and then are expected to spend time with your husbands ex wife. Like seriously.

You must be very patient OP because if they have been separated for
22 years but he still allows her to upset you, his current partner, and muscle in on birthday presents you have organised I couldn't be bothered with him.

It might be 22 years but it sounds as though she is more important to him than you.

Well, you're a better woman than me! No way I would have gone and frankly, I think it's pretty shitty of your partner to insist that you did.

A week before the event, he told me his DD, her partner, and his EX WIFE would also be there and we'd be meeting up with them at the event.

OK so what actually happened here?

Did your partner tell his daughter about the event? Did your partner initiate the meet up? Or was it his daughter that initiated meeting up?

Was your partner under the impression that you only wanted to spend time with him at the event?

Or is he the “more the merrier” type person and got form for just inviting other people to things?

I don't know. I presume he told DD about the gift and she initiated. I also assume he put off telling me because he knew it would be an unpopular announcement.

He is very much 'the more the merrier'. His whole family is. But he knows I definitely am not.

It was one of many 'nail in the coffin' moments. BUT for some reason, with this one, I've always wondered if due to my introvert nature, that maybe I was a bit unreasonable, as well as them.

I think dd shouldn't have gatecrashed on your present but then maybe she genuinely thought he'd be happy they were there and if he usually is welcoming then she might not have seen the problem. I wouldn't have tried to back out given it was his birthday present if he was happy to have them there though.

But internally I'd have been rolling my eyes.

Yeah, this is kind of how I see it. I was too upset at the time to be rational about it. But in time, I've come a bit more to see it like this.

Still think they're arses tho. LOL

I agree with this.

I wouldn’t have gone.