I feel like my DH’s sister and aunt treat me with contempt, and I don’t think I deserve it but wouldn’t mind an impartial, moral compass:
I seem to be bearing the brunt of a family who has never quite forgiven me for ‘taking DH away” from their family home.
As far as I can gather, he was their errand boy (giving lifts, lending money, babysitting, building things) and being available for every last minute plan such as lunches out etc (and therefore, available for lifts to and from and maybe paying for the sister’s meal).
He developed cancer before we were together but friends, and due to being immunosuppressed, came to stay with me during treatment. His own home had kids, cats, dogs etc. and my home was quieter and easier to seek to limit exposure to infections.
At the time, his family kept saying how grateful for the role I played in liaising with the hospital staff, asking and answering the family’s questions and going up daily with food, laundered clothes etc. I just did what felt right, but I was careful of stepping on toes etc and left space for them to take their place. Some did; others were decidedly absent.
He was thankfully quickly in remission and then considered cured. At around that time he’d tried to move home but we’d fallen into such a routine of living together (between treatment) that we both felt a bit lost without the other, and it was then our relationship shifted to something else.
Ever since, I feel like I’ve been the recipient of unfair treatment. I’ll give some examples for further context:
One night between diagnosis and treatment starting, DH still stayed at his family home and drove to my home in second gear because he was in such pain and didn’t think he could make it to hospital himself. We were there from 2am-9am and on the drive home, his sister text to ask where he was and he explained what happened but that he was being discharged soon, and she asked him to stop at the shop for her on the way.
We eloped, which didn’t sit well with many people on either side of our family.
After being immunosuppressed for months, and generally not going anywhere too high risk in that time, he realised he doesn’t enjoy drinking and finds it challenging to be in environments such as the big disorganised family lunches with lots of noise, various conversations happening at once. He withdrew from them and started spending time doing things that felt more meaningful to him but still being around for the important things. I also tried to arrange visits to his family at their various homes, and make other plans but I was frankly propping it up because there was no desire from him to be driving out 30 miles to their home after a long day at work for example.
The family clearly struggled to adapt to these changes, but I think aren’t aware that I’ve been the driving force in many of the plans that we have made with them. Instead I think they think I stole him away and I keep him to myself.
His sister was most put out and angry with him when he moved in with me after treatment, because she would have more bills to pay herself. She said she couldn’t believe he was doing that to her. It should be noted that the eldest sister moved out first and that was no issue. I thought it was a bit weird she expected her brother to live at home for the rest of his life instead of building something of his own.
On a more recent occasion, DH joked he wouldn’t be going to a party because someone in the family had told him he was going rather than asking him. Instead of the tone of the invite being the thing that was critiqued, his aunt said “you’ve changed” and side eyed me! This was at a funeral by the way.
The final example that comes to mind is we were recently at a family party and his sister gathered all the family, including people married in to the family, for photos, except me. I was left with the guests who were friends. DH noticed and walked away as soon as was polite, to come and join me and I’m glad he got the photos and didn’t make a scene about me not being included.
I’ve since stopped driving plans with them because I just feel like shit when I go to these things, but… AIBU?