In laws - Rude to avoid or not?

[Username9742]

My sister in laws birthday is in a couple of weeks, in laws have invited us over for dinner cake and presents. My in laws are not very welcoming and quite uncomfortable to be around. It may just be a difference in personalities but it is what it is.

I am beginning to reduce contact for my own peace of mind. I have discussed this with my DM but she thinks not attending will look rude? I have suggested going to give gifts and then not saying for dinner.

But do we think not attending will look rude? Also should I even bother about looking rude?

How someone interprets your actions is up to them / it’s not especially rude , although since they are giving dinner cake and presents to you they have clearly gone to some effort

YANBU, if hosts are not welcoming, they lose the right to have guests.

Your DH can go alone.

The effort is for their daughter, not the OP.

If it’s just different personalities than I think yabu. People are just different, and have different ways

Yes it's rude not to go. You don't have to stay late

What is your current level of contact with them? Are they local?

If local and invitations involving SIL are infrequent I think it’d be rude not to go. If you currently see them loads, perhaps less so.

What are your concerns about their words or actions towards you?

I think your proposed behaviour is quite rude. I do think that part of being in a mature adult relationship is going to each others family events. Realistically your turning up then not staying for dinner won't be interpreted well.

Now whether or not their behaviour justifies your being rude is another matter. Sometimes you do have to take the rude option for your own self preservation.

What does your husband want to do? I would go with that unless there is some big reason that you can't tolerate a dinner with them?

It depends what you mean by “not welcoming” and “uncomfortable to be around.” If they blank any attempt you make at conversation and ignore your plate when they’re serving up dinner then absolutely not rude to decline to attend. If we’re just talking stilted conversation with some awkward silences because you’re different people, or being a bit boring, visiting is just one of those things you have to do sometimes because they’re your partner’s family and it makes them happy.

I mean, unless they're actively unpleasant towards you, it sounds like the sort of occasion that you put on a smile and suck it up for the sake of your spouse - lots of people don't really enjoy the company of their in-laws but make the effort because they're your partners family. Of course, if they're horrible to you then surely your partner wouldn't expect you to attend?

Not enough details but if their not doing anything awful and just a little bit quiet or are crap at offering drinks then yabu.

YABU and rude not to go. It's common to not be super keen on your PILs, but unless they're really awful most of us make a bit of an effort for our partner's sake.

This.
Send your husband.
Protect your mental health.

What does your DH think and what is your relationship like with SIL? Would she actually care if you were there or not?

If not, use work or a previous engagement as an excuse, send apologies and a gift with your DH and leave it at that.

I think you're being very rude. From the little detail you have given, it doesn't sound as if they're rude just differing personalities.
Surely you have to compromise in a marriage, this is his parents! It can't all be about you.

Out of interest, how old is your sil @OP?

I have suggested going to give gifts and then not saying for dinner.

It's going to look a bit strange if your husband stays and you don't?

Unless you say you've got somewhere to be I suppose.

You do sound rude and rather intolerant. They don't have to be your best mates but they are family.

I think you sound rude, unless there's about to be a massive drip feed about how they insult you everyday or something.

• are often dismissive of me when speaking
• never make any effort to see GCs or DN/N even after they were born
• when they do spend time with our children, which is usually never… undermine our parenting or tell us they know better
• very critical and judgemental
• explosive arguments in the house, often we are all on edge waiting for sometime to happen
• are openly known as people you “have to learn how to take”

It goes beyond a difference in personalities, they make the visiting experience pretty unpleasant. More so DMIL/DFIL than rest of in-laws.

If they were just boring or there were awkward silences I’d be happy to still go, but it is going into a house of people who make me feel unwelcome that’s filling me with dread

Wouldn't dream of going near people like that.
Tell your husband crack on and simply don't entertain being inntheir company again.
Life is too short.
Who cares how they take it.