AIBU to ask why I seek validation from an abuser

[IsThisTheWaytoSlamMyPillow]

Can anyone enlighten me as to why I still want my abuser to like me, or seem to need their approval and want to please them?

I think it’s quite common, whether it’s an abusive parent, (ex) partner, sibling, friend etc. We know they’re abusive, we know they don’t really like us or want to know us, but there’s still a need to feel that they’re pleased with us or approve of us.

My current situation isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this but I am more aware now that it’s not a good response. I just don’t know why I keep feeling this way.

What behaviour do you want out of your abuser? What validation in particular?

What internal need are you seeking to fulfil by wanting this person’s approval?

If you have very poor boundaries and self esteem the love bombing phase of a relationship is like a drug and their approval is a substitute for your own lack of self worth. When they take it away it seems like you have lost your only source of self esteem so you work hard to get them to give it back. They recognised your susceptibility and exploited it to condition this response in you.

The answer is to work on your own boundaries and self esteem so that no one else has the power to take away your sense of self worth. No contact with them should be a given.

I would assume it's habit - you've been conditioned to keep the abuser happy to try and avoid the abuse. Are you out of the relationship with your abuser now? Or still in contact? Have you considered having some counselling to talk through why you feel this way and how to change it?

I think you’re right, I know you’re right. It’s a sibling and I just can’t understand why they’ve always disliked and bullied me (emotionally and physically and DPs turned a blind eye).

We’ve been no contact for a long time and circumstances right now mean we have to be in the same space. I have to try so hard not to adopt the role of the small child wanting their sibling to like them.

I am going to have counselling because it’s had such a huge impact on me and set me back years interns of recovering from the toxicity. I’ve avoided it for years because I know there’s been a lot of dysfunction in my upbringing and I didn’t want to confront this really.

And it’s all related to terrible boundaries and very low self esteem. They’re not even a nice person themselves so I don’t know why I feel the need for anything from them.

Thanks so much for all your replies.

I understand you putting it off, confronting those demons in therapy is hard but it can also be freeing - it's a space where you can say what you really feel without fear of judgement or ridicule. You will come out of it stronger and more able to prioritise your own wellbeing. Whatever is wrong with your sibling is nothing to do with you, you haven't done anything wrong. They are the one with problems but that's for them to deal with. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Safety! When you know someone has potential to lash out (not necessarily physically), you’re keen to win signals that you are safe… for the moment.

It’s frustrating. I’ve just watched my sister work like a dog in the vain hope of pleasing my mother. #NeverGonnaHappen.

All you do is give them material to hurt you with.

You’ve recognised the behaviour now. Interrupt it. Get some phrases and mental pictures that reinforce how you want to behave. You could visualise sibling as a chihuahua behind a fence, snapping and snarling but powerless to hurt you. You could remind yourself #NeverGonnaChange, or Not me, not anymore. Something really easy to remember and repeat in your head while you are around them.

Because you want to have a happy loving family where everybody gets along with everybody else, which is an entirely normal and natural thing to want. Family aren't like friends or exes where you can just stop seeing them; it impacts on your relationship with other family members. Do your parents pester you to ignore / excuse / forgive his crappy behaviour? Does he ruin what should be nice family occasions? It's very common, when it's a sibling being shitty.

I'm sorry you don't have that happy family. But now you've spotted the pattern, you can learn to change the behaviours that you see aren't going to do you any good. He won't get any nicer, if he hasn't by now. Learn to stop hoping for it. Crappy people exist, and most of them have at least one sibling. Sorry you drew the short straw and are that sibling. But he'll never be what you want.

@Elsvieta Thank you, you’re absolutely right in all that you say. I know some people with such great families where they do all get on and just wanted that. Yes, parents have always told me to forgive and forget and minimised the appalling behaviour.

That’s it, safety! If they’re pleased with me they can’t also be pissed with me. I’m spending far too much time wanting what’s #NeverGonnaHappen and need to accept this.

Sorry your sister is also going through difficulties.

Families eh?!

I've been there only it was a parent not a sibling. It's such a painful need, and horrible to deal with feeling like this. I did find therapy directed towards treating complex trauma has helped massively but it's been a long journey and it wasn't easy to find help.

💐💐💐💐 @IsThisTheWaytoSlamMyPillow

It's hard because in an ideal world you'd have a good, supportive sibling relationship that you've been denied through their actions over time. I can understand why you would want to have that sort of a relationship, but the reality is that you have a toxic sibling who causes you pain.

I think accepting this reality will be better for you in the long run, as sad and as unwanted as it is.

Focus on the people who enrich your life and learn to keep this sibling at arm's reach.

As much as you may want them to change, you cannot make people change. The only person you can control is yourself. Perhaps one day your sibling may see the light, but don't hem your personal wellbeing and happiness on it. If it happens, great, if it doesn't happen, also great - because you will have distanced yourself from it.

Sorry OP that you're having to deal with this. It's not pleasant and it's unfair.

I wanted to update the thread and thank you all so much for the advice as it completely changed my mindset and I realised this person will never be my friend or see me as person, just a ‘thing’ they despise and I deserve so much more. I have people around me who value who I am and love me for who I am.

In a further update I saw them yesterday - initially they were very nice and very charming, and normally I’d think “oh, they are nice after all” but I was more alert and knew it wasn’t genuine. After a while of niceness, tea and cake the tone changed.

Then came the verbal attack, full on foul accusations and abuse, lies and gaslighting but I was so much better prepared because of all the advice here. Things calmed down but I remained vigilant and wary.

Suddenly from nowhere an argument started, over an innocuous comment, and after a short verbal exchange they were shoving, pushing and grabbing at me, thumping me, and grabbing hold of my leg to try and knock me on the floor.

Today I’m covered in bruises - including inner thigh and breast which sickens me a bit, it feels odd - and I don’t know whether to report to the police. I know I would if it was a stranger - I’d be horrified if it was a stranger.

WTF. Scared now that they’ll come back and finish things off but am safe and have a plan of action if they show up. Please note, this is not a husband or partner (or ex), it’s a male sibling (I’m female). They are a foot taller and just over twice my weight, for context.

Feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare parallel universe and just want to wake up.

He physically attacked you? Yes, report to the police, now.

Yes, you need to report this to the police. I’m sorry. That must have been really scary- and if it wasn’t, that’s because it’s part of the normal behaviour you experience which is even worse.

Please report him to the police, OP.