I'm the scapegoat

[Artmumcreative]

MIL last saw my DD when DD was a few weeks old. MIL had said numerous untrue things about me/my education (First Class Honours but I'm poorly educated) following my and DH's wedding.
She blocked me and DH on all forms of communication and by the time she unblocked me (without saying anything- I only found out because I checked) I felt too awkward to reach out, and it also surely isn't my job to do so.
BIL later told DH that MIL had a "cancer scare" and that he wants the entire inheritance if she dies because he was the one talking to her.

DH made contact with her and saw her in person last night (his motive is wanting his share of the inheritance), and she wants to see our DD without me- her mother- there.

I sent her a very reasonable message (DH edited it as well) basically trying to arrange a time that would fit into my and DD's schedule.

My MIL emotionally and physically abused her own children and I don't want her to be with my DD (age 1) without me there. DH said he took DD to the supermarket on his own and she didn't get abused. I told him that's different to 1:1 time with a known abuser who DD doesn't know.
DD doesn't see my family or anyone else without me in the same room.
DH was not happy about me protecting our DD last night and I'm really worried that he's trying to put the idea of an inheritance (MIL is loaded) before our DD, who IMO is worth more than all the money in the world. I offered to sell my flat (which would go some way to a house purchase) and was told it wasn't enough.
He apologised and told me he loves me this morning but I've felt stressed and ill from stress all day, and MIL has left me on read for six or seven hours. I asked my dad about the situation and he said to just forget about it and not worry and I haven't done anything wrong and it's completely reasonable to want to be there when DD meets a stranger (which MIL will be to my DD).
I genuinely don't understand what I've done wrong and if someone would tell me I could apologise and sort it out.
AIBU to think I haven't done anything wrong?

You both sound delightful.

I think you're not unreasonable to not want a relationship with your MIL, given that she sounds pretty unpleasant. Unfortunately, I think it's very likely that your DH will take your baby to see her as he's her parent too and has just as much 'right' as you do - if he decides to take his daughter to visit his mum, there's not much you can do about it. Don't you trust him to look after his daughter while his mother is there? What do you think is going to happen?

What a horrible response. What has OP done wrong except put her child above an inheritance?

Are you scapegoating OP for your own DIL issues?

Your Dad is right. DH is dealing with a Narcissist, expect him to struggle. Just be a sane person for him and insist on what you know is right.

You’re not BU. You’re putting your child ahead of inheritance unlike your DH who is showing a distinct lack of integrity.

I am with you in that I wouldn’t want someone being alone with my child if they physically and mentally abused my husband- although I’m not sure how you can prevent it if your husband takes your child to see his mother. Just encourage him to stay with your child.

but you say you haven’t left her with anyone at all without you there? Not your parents, a sibling of yours, nursery, a babysitter? Really? Never? Why on earth not? I don’t think that’s healthy for anyone

Surely your DH will be there?

She's now spent some time with my parents on her own, she has been to the supermarket with my DH.

I don't see why I should consent to her being with a known abuser without me there. MIL abused her own children so I don't see why she'd treat mine any better.

I have begged DH to take our DD to play in another room so I can sleep. He often refuses to do so and goes to do his own thing while I look after her. Last night I was exhausted from a funeral on Wednesday, had looked after DD all day and taken her out to a playgroup, and asked DH to take over reading bedtime stories so I could rest. He refused.

I'm not sure why he's suddenly an excellent, responsible parent when it comes to exposing our daughter to his abuser.

Are you saying your DH has been alone with his child only once in her whole life? Otherwise always with you (except that one time with your parents)? What’s the reason for this?

It seems like the apple didn't fall far from the tree where your DH is concerned. He sounds like an awful husband and father.

He spends no time on his own with his daughter but wants to take her alone to see his child abusing mother to try and get his share of the inheritance?

You are not being unreasonable to say no to him taking your DD without you. You are probably being unreasonable to stay married to him, as he doesn't seem to have any redeeming features and clearly doesn't care about you or your DD.

It sounds like you don't trust your own husband. There are bigger issues here than MIL.

Well he takes her to a different room if I beg him to let me have a rest but sits around on his phone rather than playing with her so she comes back to me, who will always interact with her.

I think they're going to have a massive row like they have each time I've seen them together, and I think my daughter is going to learn that's how to treat her mother.

Because your husband - DD's father - will be there.

But why should I be excluded? My parents haven't always seen eye-to-eye with my husband but he's always invited when I and DD are seeing them. Sometimes he comes and sometimes he doesn't but it's always HIS choice, not my parents' or my choice.

It sounds like you can’t trust him to protect your daughter adequately if she is with MIL and potential abuse. Not only because he’s been groomed for life to accept his mother’s abuse, but also because he’s a lazy git who can’t be arsed engaging with his child. So I agree that YANBU. But I do think that he is the bigger problem than your MIL and I’m not sure you see that yet?

How is he the bigger problem?

Well, there are a number of issues that you have mentioned. He’s not supporting you in allowing you to rest when you are exhausted, he’s not being a proper father by interacting with his daughter when he’s alone with her, preferring his phone over her company, and he’s prioritising money over the safety, happiness and security of his his child.

Basically everyone sounds awful in this situation.

You sound like extremely hard work.
Your DH is spineless and throwing his own child under the bus for the hopes of an inheritance. And he does nothing with his child.
MIL is an apparent abuser who thinks she has the right to demand that she sees a one year old without their mother.

To be honest I have no advice but best of luck.