I’m so torn, am I right to feel like this is off?

[SunshineAndSoap]

Please be patient with me, this may be a long one…

I met my current bf online in December last year, we went on a couple of dates but I was really busy with work/kids/stressed about Christmas and found him to be too full on so ended it.
We kept in touch as we have similar interests and went on a date again in Feb this year, we’ve been together ever since. We’ve competed together and have done some amazing things and made the best memories.

There have been a few red flags - he’s always saying he would never be violent to women or children and I just kind of thought why would anyone need to say this?! It’s surely as standard that we aren’t violent to anyone??
He cancelled a race I was excited to do because he said I was too tired from an earlier race I’d done. He just canceled without consulting me, he was trying to look after me.

Recently work has got even busier, I have a cleaning business and due to staff shortages and holidays etc. I’ve been working 6 days a week, 50+ hrs to keep everything going. I also have 2 teens and because of them I don’t see him as much as I would like. I’d warned him that the month was going to be busy and to just be a little patient while I got through the work stuff.
He doesn’t work so has an awful lot of time on his hands ( he sold some businesses and doesn’t need to work anymore) just spends most of his time training for an upcoming event. So I understand that he feels like we don’t see each other much but to me it feels like we do, one night in the weekend and Friday through to Sunday evening, while my children are at their dads.
there was an evening where he arrived at mine at 8pm on a Friday, we had a small disagreement about dinner and he got up and left, He messaged the next day to apologise and I said let’s have some space this weekend. He messaged on the Monday to end things and called me some horrible names, we sorted it out and got back together.
The following weekend he questioned me about whether I was cheating or not and gave me a love bite, even when I tried to push him off, he used force so I couldn’t get him off me.
I was obviously upset, had another argument - he ended things again, also calling me some awful names - Cunt, manipulative, cruel.
He turned up the next day with my stuff and we talked and I thought we’d sorted it out.
the following weekend when I said I needed to do some things resulted in him telling me he was busy and wouldn’t be able to see me until our race on the Sunday. I agreed because I assumed it was for a reaction which he wasn’t going to get. And he ended it again!! Also calling me a user and abuser this time!
we went 4 days with no contact before he started sending insta posts and now he’s back again - professing his love and how he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me.

Is he completely bonkers?! Rereading this, I think I know the answer. Am I right in ending things and not going back?
I feel sick with worry about what to do, and if im going to make the wrong decision.

Everyone on your last thread told you to LTB.
Please take the advice this time.
This will not get any better.

I have already done a Clare’s law on him, after going down to the police station to show my ID and explain why I wanted to do the Claire’s law, I was never contacted again.

There was a thread before? Fuck me, stop playing games and end it.

Is this a joke?!!! Why do u need to even ask!!!! Why do you keep getting back with him?? Hes an abuser. Pls do not ever let him anywhere near your children.

Christ OP this is off the charts. Why are you “torn”?

He could not be more of a red flag if one was tattooed on his forehead.

Please go and follow up on it to ask them to confirm if he's clean or if they have overlooked contacting you.

An absolute ton of red flags here. I'd suggest getting advice from women's aid as I suspect it you ended things he would react in a way which is controlling or abusive or both

So he’s a controlling, nasty, immature bully who thinks he’s got you on a piece of string and feels entitled to make decisions for you and to force himself on you.

Does he have any good points?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Bin him. That’s not red flags, that’s festoons of red bunting.

Had anyone cancelled one of my races, they would never have been spoken to again! CF

He sounds controlling, abusive and generally an utter wankspangle.
Get him gone my lovely. Keep racing x

Sorry OP, he’s a total nutbag. Run for the hills!!

I know this is hard, and it has to be your decision, but the fact that you feel “sick with worry” about making the wrong choice indicates that this man is already having an extremely negative effect on you. I know it might seem as though this great guy is in there, and it’s impossible to reconcile that with the awful one you sometimes see. And because it is so hard to reconcile them you just don’t believe the awful one can really be a permanent and non-negotiable part of this man.

But please trust me when I say he is and that, if you are struggling to leave someone who is evidently very toxic after only six months, every day you continue to spend connected to him is a day you will regret and will one day wish you could get back.

Please believe me when I tell you that this kind of manipulation will have a very real and even more detrimental effect on you than you can imagine the longer it goes on. It is easy to think, “well I’ll just see if things improve - I’ll know when enough is enough”, or that being in a bad relationship is just something that happens in your vicinity and might sting a bit at times. But I am telling you, if you are in a relationship with someone like this you are already in a fight for your well-being and sanity on every level - you just might not know it yet. I can’t explain why or how this works (although Lundy Bancroft ‘Why Does He Do This?’ is a great read). All I can say is that every day in ways so subtle as to be unnoticeable, and in ways for which there will be an explanation which allegedly is in your best interest (like cancelling an event because you’re too tired), and in ways which cause considerable pain, this man is going to chip away at you. And by the time you realise you have made a mistake you will be on the floor and getting up will feel like lifting a mountain.

Please don’t give yourself to this man for any more minutes - it is not you it is him. The risk of waiting in hope to make sure he isn’t the person you (and everyone on this thread) knows he is - in my experience it is the same as you risking your life, and I do not say that lightly. Maybe not physically (although his comments about violence are not reassuring) but certainly emotionally and psychologically. Your brain is what you have that makes you you, it helps you overcome, it helps you function, it helps you laugh, it helps you work - he wants to mess with it. Don’t give him the opportunity.

The other women may have been too frightened to report him!! Just because there is nothing on the police files does not mean to say he is not a dangerous man. All the posters on here have told you to leave there is ‘no I am torn’ you need to leave.

That doesnt mean anything!

My ex was never convicted of any of the abuse he meted out to me (including attempted strangulation which is widely accepted to mean that a man cannot be rehabilitated) but that doesnt mean that he isnt an extremely dangerous person. And even he didnt show the glaring red flags that this psycho is showing you!

Nothing sounds healthy here.
i would end the relationship. It’s only a matter of time until the next problem.

Should have blocked him after the 1st round of "calling awful names". Who he thinks he is...

I sent a long message yesterday evening, telling him that it was over and received no reply, so I guess he has taken it seriously.

You’ve all said that the red flags were so obvious, but when they happened, they didn’t all come at once they were little changes that happened gradually. Little things that I picked up on that made me feel slightly uncomfortable. Back in August, we were competing a 24hr event together and had a really small disagreement. He completely flipped and made us leave the race early to go home so we didn’t get to finish. He packed up our stuff in the middle of the night and made us leave like a small child - I think that’s when I knew it wasn’t right, everything was fine as long as I was acting the way he wanted me to.

At the start he had been the most amazing, caring, kind and wonderful person and all these little things started to creep in and I still can’t quite get my around that the way he’s behaved recently is still the same person because it seems so out of character and not at all like the man that I fell in love with.

I recently started the freedom programme, and I’ve seen some of the signs mentioned there. I’m hoping the lack of a response from him means he will leave me alone now. He always said if something wasn’t working for him, he would just cut that person out of his life and with all his breaking up with me recently, he know doesn’t have any of his stuff here anymore so there’s no reason to come round anymore.

I think that your ability to notice red flag needs some tuning up. Firstly, no man has ever questioned me about whether I was cheating. (An insecure teenage boyfriend once asked my mother if I was seeing somebody else before she told him that was a matter he should be discussing with CuddlyPug!) And nobody has ever given me a love bite, let alone when I was fighting him off. Nobody has ever called me the sort of names he called you. This is not because I am some special kind of woman - just that they knew they'd immediately be out the door if they had behaved this way.

You dont see it when you're in it because Narcissists are so clever in the way they perform their calculated actions! You'd question your own thoughts and actions before questioning theirs because you're 'trained' by them to believe that they're sensible and reasonable when they do these things! Block all contact and put a ring doorbell up or something because I bet he will start to watch your movements as they find it so difficult to suddenly lose that power and control over you. Protect yours and your childs safety by never considering having him back in your life x

He standing in a field of red flags, waving red flags, and with another one stuck up his arse. Don't have anything more to do with him. Ever. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

It does sound like classic narcissistic abuse.

They start out perfect because they mirror you and love bomb. Then once you’re hooked, the abuse starts slowly usually accompanied by gaslighting to make you think it’s all on you.

Look up the boiled frog analogy and it will make total sense.

It’s a good thing you’re doing the freedom programme as it will help you understand how to spot red flags much sooner and act upon them.

It’s not normal to call your partner horrible names in an argument, that’s itself is abusive.

The rest of the stuff is awful too. AVOID OP!

He assaulted you . Verbally and physically. Leave the relationship as he will do it again

You dont see it when you're in it because Narcissists are so clever in the way they perform their calculated actions! You'd question your own thoughts and actions before questioning theirs because you're 'trained' by them to believe that they're sensible and reasonable when they do these things! Block all contact and put a ring doorbell up or something because I bet he will start to watch your movements as they find it so difficult to suddenly lose that power and control over you. Protect yours and your childs safety by never considering having him back in your life x

Well done for seeing this now.

Some people ignore the little red flags (although these are quite big ones) and before they know it they are 'trained' and stuck in a 20 year marriage with kids.

So, give yourself a pat on the back for noticing it less than a year in.

Carry on with the Freedom program and don't allow him back in your life.