How do I stop my own trauma from school affecting my child’s school experience?

[margeNd]

I have a daughter with innatentive ADHD and ASD. She’s not enjoying school because she can’t concentrate, gets bored and doesn’t learn anything.

I had exactly the same problem at school but I wasn’t diagnosed until my 40s and I was in constant trouble for swinging on my chair, daydreaming, staring out the window, drumming pencils on the desk and generally quite disruptive which was just frustration and unbearable boredom where I had no ability to focus or retain or process any information.
One thing I do know is I hated being the naughty kid but I couldn’t have stopped being the way I was and it wasn’t through choice but I was in constant trouble, excluded and spent most lessons in the corridor and in later years detentions almost every day.

This behaviour resulted in constant humiliation and bullying it was soul destroying and I hated school and was permanently excluded after a reduced timetable didn’t work by year 9 I was never to be educated again.
The result was I gained no confidence, no GCSEs and can’t even bring myself to think of my school days.

I have a daughter now and she’s just a little me, I can see history repeating itself and I know it will break her.
She has some support in place from the SENCO but it’s not making any difference and she’s deeply unhappy.

Every mum wants their child to be happy but I’ve been in her shoes, I’ve lived through a school system that doesn’t work for all ND children.
I have lived the judgement, the teachers despair, the suicidal thoughts, the anxiety and trauma from being different.
Seeing my own daughter re-live this is so triggering and I can’t bear to see her suffer the way I did knowing she has no idea how hard it’s going to be.
She is already lonely because she has no friends.

I try and give her hope, not let her see my fears and I try to be positive, I know things have improved since my school days but not a lot and I don’t want to let her down.

Yo7 focus on the fact that you’re n the privileged position of understand exactly what’s going on for her and ensuring she gets the support she needs. Or moves educational setting if necessary.

Does she take medication for her adhd?

She does and she’s having behaviour therapy

I'm sorry you didn't have the best time at school and struggled. The majority of your post is about YOUR experience of school, not how your DD is coping now. Are her meds and therapy helping her? Is she improving with concentration etc? You clearly need to take advice from her current school and supports, but is mainstream school the best option for her?

I haven’t noticed much difference and she’s still struggling.
She wants to be home schooled but I can’t educate her when I wasn’t educated myself.
I’m just so sad for her that she’s got this curse.

My children's father had similar experiences to you with school. His children are the spit of him BUT we understand why they are the way they are due to their adhd sen which their dad didnt have. Their dad is determined they will have better outcomes than him.

They take meds, go to counselling, we do a family sport together so they have contact with peers that has lead to friendships. They do a couple other sports. One dc is in scouts another Army cadets to help with socialisation.

Biggest factors for dc is that they know why they feel the way they do. They camt change it but they can change how they react.

Myself and dh went on many parenting courses for sen to set up our house to enable them to be the best they can be. We have reminders everywhere, alexa gives verbal reminder for homework, packing bags - you name it

Social stories are still useful for navigating friendships

Have you talked dosage with Dr. By age of 12 mine had to be on 72mg dose of concerta to be effective.

You can help her because you genuinely understand. You know what she is going through. No one properly helped you. You already have a diagnosis for her.

I sympathise. My ADHD was diagnosed at 60! Medication changed my life. But way before I was diagnosed I understood that DS2 needed way more help than most children to get through school life. I organised everything for him. Totally scatterbrained for myself but hyperfocused for him. So I had his timetable on the fridge and inside the front door, reminding us both what day he needed to bring swimming kit or PE kit or reading books back.

We had a little afterschool routine where we'd empty his entire school bag and I sorted it while he had a snack. That meant I could find squashed bits of paper with party invitations or permission slips or info about dressing up days. Maybe all that stuff is online now, but you could do the same - log into school/class website every day to check if any action is needed. I kept a family calendar in the kitchen and wrote stuff down on it (never remembered to check the calendar but writing it down helped) and wrote it again on a chalk board.

That doesn't help with her ADHD in class but it does stop her from always being the one who is in the wrong clothes at the wrong time.

Chat to her teacher and to her and ask them both what might help her concentrate. DS was put at a table on his own. But it was made out to be a punishment before he was diagnosed. If I'd known, we could have told him it was to help him concentrate (but also to not distract others) His table faced the window so he got zero work done (at his shit primary school) But maybe you could ask for her to be near the teacher's desk.

Also let teachers know she needs incredibly clear instructions. It made a world of difference to DS (ASD and ADHD). He didn't understand 'Keep going' as an instruction to carry on with some maths for example. He thought it was an instruction to go somewhere. But if the teacher said, 'try your best to do the other sums now' he understood better.

At home, help her develop concentration - give her very simple tasks to do that she doesn't mind doing but aren't her favourite hyperfocus activities - maybe pairing socks or sorting buttons by size in a row. Just time how long she does it before getting distracted. Then offer her a small reward (e.g. a chocolate button) if she can focus for 30 seconds longer next time. Keep doing this. Play a game where you try to distract her by walking in and out of the room or making a noise. It's okay if she looks up, but just smile and indicate for her to go back to the task. Once her concentration and ability to refocus after distraction start getting better on easy tasks, switch to more school-based tasks and do the same - 30 seconds longer each time, then bigger rewards for refocusing.

I learned this strategy from some photocopied info I was given. Can't remember where from or who by (bloody ADHD!) but it was gold dust and really helpful. It works in helping develop focus and crucial re-focusing skills.

I don't think you say how old she is, is she primary or secondary age?

My son has ADHD/Autism and in Yr 7 so just started secondary school. I was diagnosed in my 40s with ADHD and found the diagnosis so validating confirming why I struggled at grammar school as an intelligent but neurodiverse girl.

Personally, I'm a 'cup half full' person and take the positive view that things are so much better for this generation of kids. ADHD just wasn't a recognised thing for girls when I went through school, and pastoral care in general was poor/non-existent!

I take comfort that I can have open dialogue with my son's school and that teachers have a good general awareness of neurodiversity and adaptations required. Also, I know what went wrong for me as a child in school (e.g. lack of organisation, didn't do homework etc), so I have the knowledge to better support my child at home.

My son has taken ADHD medication since age 8, and we found them pretty life changing. Not only for concentration but also emotional regulation. I would personally go back to your Paediatrician to discuss trying an alternative if you have not seen a significant difference.

I appreciate that there are different levels of these conditions, but if your daughter is struggling/potentially at risk of EBSA (emotional school based avoidance), I would be talking to SENCo more and discuss starting an EHCP application. It can take a long time to get accepted and processed, but will open up more flexible and alternative educational provisions for her. Look up your local SENDIASS service, I have found them very useful in the past to discuss my son's individual profile and get an objective view about applying for an EHCP a couple of years ago.

I do agree with a pp, that a lot of your original post is about your experience and projecting that onto your daughter. I know the 'ND is a superpower' thing can be annoying, but I do try to focus on ND being a difference, not that a person is broken. I regularly talk to my son about how all the people that invent things and entrepreneurs are likely ND, and that's a positive thing to strive towards. He generally has good self esteem and I look to the future expecting him to go into a specialist STEM role in the future where his special interests/strengths can shine. I'd try to think more about the positives your daughter has from her condition and nurture them as much as possible.

Hope my ramblings are useful, I'm more than happy for you to DM me if you want to chat more.

PS Forgot to mention trying to find your local Facebook group for SEN parents can be very helpful to discuss others' experiences and what support is available locally. Look by the name of your local authority name, as it tends to be grouped that way.

Great post, @Cinaferna.

You've spent a whole post listing what your child is not good at and cannot do, but what CAN they do? What ARE they good at?

You need to focus on the positives, because having ADHD/ASD can be a gift, not a negative.

My son has ASD and daughter has inattentive ADHD, and although "regular" tasks can be a nightmare, they need lots of praise and encouragement for the stuff they do well at.

I teach a bottom set Y9 group and have a girl with inattentive ADHD, and she is brilliant at creative thinking, her recall and memory is brilliant, and she can be extremely passionate about topics. Ok, so she struggles in lots of other areas, but by praising what she can do means she is much more likely to try and focus on the other bits.

Stop projecting your own negativity onto your daughter, and start seeing her brain as a gift and focusing on things she excels at.

OP you said she’s a little you - she’s not. She’s her own person. Stop projecting your own experiences of school onto her. It won’t help her in the slightest. With respect - your OP is mostly about you, and not your daughter’s needs now. Your school experience was years ago and it’s yours alone, not hers. So stop dwelling on the past, stop personalising this and deal with the daughter and school you actually have.