Overwhelmed and husband doesn’t understand

[ForHappyCat]

Hello, is almost 4 weeks since I had my second baby,I feel really upset and overwhelmed but my DH doesn’t seem to understand why,can I ask if you think I’m unreasonable too? I just have no perspective right now.sorry there’s a bit of a story with it,it’s been a hellish time.

I had a traumatic birth,emergency c section in the night,baby taken almost immediately to special care,me to ITU. When we left hospital DH wrote in a card that he thought I was the bravest person in the world and it really touched me,which is part of why I’m find the current state of things so hard.

I thought me and the baby were doing well,then my wound reopened a little 1 week after, not much help from midwives GP etc so I’ve been dressing it myself,it’s not healed but improving.DH aware but never asks about it.

2 weeks after birth I have a routine appointment with midwives,turns out no one had documented at any point my baby has a birthmark,they immediately escalate this to social services for a MASH referral as they needed to rule out injury to my baby.Also told to take my baby to A+E straight away to have the mark reviewed. I asked GP if they could review instead and told ‘go to A+E before you get yourself in more trouble’. This terrified and devastated me. A+e and social services confirmed not only it was a birthmark but that the mark had actually been documented (not long after our discharge from hospital) and referral shouldn’t have been made,it’s been rejected with no further action required .Husband got over this immediately however I’ve been shaken to my core,I felt like my baby was going to be taken from me.Just to add no history of SS involvement ever.

Last week baby had temperature,took to GP (alone,walked more than a mile,DH doesn’t drive and I can’t after c section,no buses bad taxi service) referred to A+e,took him alone via taxi (long wait) baby put on sepsis pathway,lumbar puncture etc,diagnosed with viral meningitis. I looked after him almost entirely alone (we have 2 year old, DH stayed with him,little family support nearby) for the 3 days we were in hospital. Came home via taxi alone this Friday.

I’ve been so tearful and overwhelmed the
last 24hrs,I feel I’m at breaking point and can’t take anymore setbacks. I can’t look after my 2yo as usual due to all of the above I feel very guilty about it.

Husband became cold with me last night after I fell asleep on the sofa at 6pm while toddler was playing on the floor,he said I should’ve been playing with him and how can I be upset about not doing enough with him when I act like that. I burst into tears and have been crying ever since really,I told him how exhausted,worried and overwhelmed I feel and he’s just said ‘it’s all in the past and it’s fine now,I don’t understand you, you’re never happy’

I just feel like I haven’t had any time to catch my breath and process anything,baby isn’t even a month old and so much has happened. I’m upset because I’m also so deep in my overdraft too (have mat pay but husband not picking up the slack while I’m off so struggling with money already) I exclusively BF and I’m constantly doing a job of some sort,I just don’t know if it’s exhaustion making me unreasonably anxious and upset or if my husband is being insensitive.

I just don’t think he realises I can’t dust myself off like he can. I said I was upset about the birth and he basically said ‘ some women lose their babies,be grateful for the two healthy ones you have’ which just makes me feel even worse and more guilty,I feel like I’m letting everyone down in every way.

sorry for the long rant,I have no one IRL I can confide all this in. Any perspectives or advice on how to cope would be much appreciated,thank you.

Make an appointment to see your GP ans contact your Health Visitor; you will feel better but you’ve a lot to process. Try to put aside the response of your useless husband for now, focus on rest and mental recovery. If you have family or friends that can help them let them know how you’re feeling.

Is he always this stupid?

People process stress differently, just because he finds it easy to get on with things doesn't mean you will. He lacks empathy.

You need to sort out the finances as a priority. He needs to step up.

Your husband is raising lots of red flags for me.

Why was he having a go at you for not playing with toddler when you just had a baby 4 weeks ago and haven't recovered?

Why has your husband not picked up the financial slack whilst you're on mat leave? Do you mean he still wants you to contribute 50% to rent/bills?

Oh my goodness you poor soul. You have coped with so much in the last month. I think you are amazing. Your husband is a fool. He has no idea what you had gone through with a difficult birth, but some empathy and practical support should not be so hard for him! Do you have family nearby? Is your mum able to be with you, or a sister or good friend? You need love, care and help and your husband should be ashamed of himself.

Yes,finances are a tricky point with us,I’ve always been very scared of debt so lived within my means whereas he has lots of credit cards and it doesn’t worry him at all.He has always said having debt is normal for most people, and as long as we have food on the table why am I worrying. He makes me feel like I’m being unreasonable for not being comfortable with debt. No discussion about him helping out with money while on mat leave, he’s made it clear he can’t.

he has wonderful qualities honestly, it’s just the two bugbears- lack of empathy at times and financial mismatch have reared their heads at the worst time

He is a bellend OP, leaving you to walk all the way to the GP, not seeing his own baby in hospital for three days and then the remark about falling asleep. I bet that’s not even the worst of it.

Firstly OP having a baby is one of the hardest parts of a woman’s life, the fact that you have two healthy DC while some people don’t shouldn’t be used as a stick to beat you with because you are, quite rightly, exhausted and emotional.

You have had a lot to deal with and you have a useless partner. Also you have recently had major surgery, the only major surgery that comes with zero recovery time because everyone expects you to be up as normal instantly.

The issue with your scar, similar happened to me and I agree midwives and GP totally useless I had to go to A&E in the end. How bad is it? Pushing yourself to your limits won’t be helping you really do need to rest.

Speak to your HV about the whole situation.

But those things are huge, OP.

What it means is that you always be the one scrimping and saving whilst he racks up debt.

What does he mean he can’t help? How are the bills/rent split?

And it’s not just lack of empathy, he’s having a go at you for having a nap. Why didn’t he play with his son? Why was it your job?

My birth and PP sounds similar to yours, however I didn’t have an idiot of a husband. You sound like you need a good rest and some support. Do you have anyone to support you? It’s bloody hard being PP, never mind you and your baby being unwell and having an unsupportive partner. If I was you, I’d speak with the health visitor or GP and get them to refer you to birth reflections and perinatal MH team. You’ve been through so much. You can address your husband at a later time - put yourself first and focus on feeling better. I found apps like Peanut helpful when I was having a hard time - you can post anonymously and people get it. I’m sorry you’re going through this

I don't think you read her post properly. It certainly didn't read to me that she thought, or that it was the case, that he was a 'bell end'. He actually sounds like a very nice, thoughtful, decent man whos happy to chip in and care for his children as and when to ease some of the stress.

Men do brush things off easily, that's a quality rather than a negative. We want a man around who can weather the storm and brush it off. Some people wouldn't know what a good relationship was it it smacked them in the face, so I hear you OP, you've clearly got a great partner you wouldn't change for the world. I think the negative comments about him are always from people who want to justify their own loneliness and bitterness about their own failed relationships. It's quite funny really!

The last thing you need is some vulnerable ninny who gets emotional and breaks down at the slightest issue. You're clearly very emotional yourself right now, but it will be temporary and likely down to exhaustion also. Wish you the best.

Your bar is very very low isn’t it.

I’ve been happily married fr 16 years to a man who would not have let me walk miles with a newborn baby while suffering from an open cesarean wound and most certainly would not have told me to be grateful for my babies because some women never get them while I was struggling mentally with what turned out to be PND after my second baby.

But yeah OP he is a prince and I am bitter about my supposedly failed relationship (just still waiting on the failed part!)

His lack of empathy and care for you plus his financial abuse far outweigh his good points. You are still recovering from a traumatic birth and major operation and your brand new baby has been in hospital with meningitis. I would be a gibbering wreck. You are amazing getting through all this without the support that you deserve from your husband.

Honestly, I would be massively rethinking your relationship with your husband. He has failed you completely when you are at your most vulnerable.

The money thing is not cool. This is his child too and you are sacrificing to look after it.

And YANBU to find the rest a lot to cope with. Apart from all you have been through, you are flooded with hormones and cannot reasonably be expected to just act normal. Add into that a tiny baby exhausting you, breastfeeding, healing, the fear you experienced, of course you are wobbly.

I agree there are a few red flags; right now I'd probably focus on explaining the above to him - the hormones are science - and explain it in terms of what you need.

You husband sounds awful - emotionally and financially abusive.

Your HV probably picked up on the vibe from him and that’s why she was extra cautious about the birthmark - due to the red flags for abuse coming from him.

To the poster who thinks “men brush things off” - in my experience that is far from true - they are much more easily overwhelmed than women but they protect themselves by shutting off and making sure they don’t have more than they can handle, often leaving the hard graft to women. I know that’s what my exh did when dd was a very sick baby - he shut off from her and me because his instinct was to protect himself, whereas mine was to take care of her, to protect her. Note the exh.

Leave the money thing aside for at least 3 months or perhaps 6 months.
It is a BIG issue, but now is not the time to address it. Perhaps post a new thread in 3-6 months specifically about the money. Meanwhile, just get by as best you can, and ignore his debt.

For now, you need to concentrate on your mental and physical health.
That is the first priority.

Don't be afraid to absolutely lose your temper with DH.
Don't cry at him, get angry.
Too often women immediately dissolve into tears instead of showing anger - we have been raised to be 'nice' and so many women have extreme difficulty allowing themselves to be angry.
So - feel the anger, don't cry, get furious and let him have it with both barrels.

Tell him that you are still recovering from the birth, your wound has not healed, and that he needs to step up to look after you and the DC a whole lot better while you are still NOT WELL.
Then take yourself off to bed.

Then, see your GP. They may not be able to do anything except offer some anti-depressants, but if so don't be afraid to take them for a month or so to tide you over the worst.
Also speak to your health visitor, and confide in family and friends. You need to pull in help from wherever you can - emotional support, friendly ears to listen, and if you can get some practical help too. Does you mum live close enough to take some laundry or batch cook some meals for your freezer?

You’ve has some good advice already OP, I would say though you need to tackle finances as soon as you feel able. If you’re only 4 weeks into maternity then even if on SMP you’re on the 90% weeks so if you are already deep in your overdraft that will only get worse when the lower amount kicks in- try to get ahead and plan for that, you both made a baby, you both need to contribute as a team here.

YANBU at all, this is a hell of a lot in just 4 weeks!

My daughter had a birth mark on her back not registered at birth, the GP is the first one who noticed it and just added it in the notes. I didn't even know it was meant to be recorded before he mentioned it!

I would insist with the midwife or GP if your wound isn't healed yet, it should be much better by now.

Not sure what to advise regarding your husband, other than you are NOT the problem here!

Hello everyone,thank you so much for your messages,I’m sorry I have t replied to them all individually (baby keeping me busy) but I’ve read them all and I really appreciate all the advice and support. It’s made such a difference to know you don’t think I’m being unreasonable,I honestly can’t see the wood for the trees right now so it’s really reassuring,thank you.

my parents aren’t the best for practical support and live more than an hour away,getting them involved would make matters worse I think. We moved to a semi-rural town a few years ago from London (due to Costs,pandemic) but we both work from home so no old or new friends nearby for support.

I’m used to picking myself up and getting on as best I can,it’s just this time around I feel really beaten by everything that’s happened and frightened of what could happen next,it feels like bad luck just keeps coming for us over and over,but my husband just can’t understand why I feel like this. I know I’ll bounce back, I’m just feeling low right now.

ive had another word with my husband and he’s said he thinks I’m really tired right now and I agreed,I said I’m exhausted and it’s making everything feel unmanageable. I’m going to take the baby out for a walk in the fresh air in a minute,hopefully it’ll do some good.

I know I need to be braver about discussing finances with him, no surprise to hear I’m sure, but I have a history of being a bit of a doormat and keeping quiet when I’m not happy just to keep the peace,especially when the issue is with someone I love. One step at a time,I just have to keep my head above water for now. Thank you everyone, I really appreciate all your replies xx