Told bad news via Facebook. I think I probably ABU

[Mygardenandme]

My mum vaguebooks, "pm me hun"s, "hospital again" etc. I generally dont pay too much attention. However she occasionally puts big news on there eg I found out my parents got engaged via FB. Got to say, that stung.

When I about 6 my Dad got me a tortoise. My dad (who is normally very sensible especially with animals) thought it would be easier to look after than a cat but of course they aren't and I quickly lost interest. My Dad learned about them and the tortoise was very well cared for/spoiled by him.

At 18 I moved to Scotland, Ive been back to my parents house maybe 20 times in the last 30 years. It has included looking after the tortoise sometimes. The tortoise was called Cat.

Last night my mum posted on FB "Goodbye Cat. Enjoy your new home under the dandilions. One pet to go." (The last sentance is just how she talks. They have a very old stray cat that broke into their home and never left. It's spoiled rotten and my mum loves him but she also cant wait to be able to just go on holiday without sorting out pet care first, no vet fees etc.).

I'm upset at finding out via Facebook that our family pet has died. I'm also annoyed that my mum is clearly revelling in the attention etc.

I know I can't say it was my pet and I acknowledge that as long as my parents were looking after him, I didnt pay much attention but AIBU to be upset I found out via FB?

YABU - It's what your mum does. She has no reason to think you'd really care so there was no need to send you a text.

YANBU - even recognising the above, she should have sent you a text to tell you before FB.

Im not going to say anything to her and I think probably IABU. I know Im still annoyed about the engagement post.

She should have messaged / called you before putting it on FB. I’d message her and say I was very sad to find out via social media at the same time as everyone else and it would have been nice to have received a direct message or call.

that is sad op
it sounds like Her way of behaving though

YABU. As you say, this is her way, though I can understand you find it irritating. But you ought to be well used to it by now.

As for the tortoise, you've been home less than once a year for the last 30 years. And admit to paying the animal very little attention when you were there so I don't see why you would expect your mother to realise a) you'd be affected by its death and b) you'd mind reading about it on FB.

YANBU to be upset, but YABU to expect anything different, given how your mother is.

How often do you speak with your parents? If you call every week or so then yes it's a bit odd that your mum didn't contact you directly. If you don't bother to get in contact for months at a time then I can see why she didn't call. It's not like you were close to/cared about the tortoise. You weren't interested in it when you lived with your parents and you've hardly seen it since you moved out. You actually seem more bothered about your mum getting attention from her Facebook friends than the loss of the tortoise.

It doesn't really sound like it was your tortoise. You quickly lost interest and it was your dad's pet. You've only been home 20 times in the last 30 years, so aren't close to your parents.
So I think Yabu.

even if it was her dad's pet surely they could have contacted you to tell you the news?

That was really weird of her not to contact you first.

My dad always overshares on FB. I think his in person circle is small and I know he gets pleasure from a large number of people commenting on posts. Maybe it’s just that rather than anything malicious?

I mean, if you've been back home less than once a year for the last 30 years, it doesn't sound like you are very close to your parents.

How often do you actually speak to them?

And after, what, 42 years of taking care of your tortoise because you'd lost interest, they probably no longer considered "Cat" to be your pet.

It was a tortoise in which you had zero interest even when it was supposed to be yours - which was literally decades ago - and you’ve been to see your parents less than once a year over the past three decades, so I don’t think you can reasonably start behaving now as if the tortoise’s death was somehow akin to the loss of a beloved family member and required a special phone call before the news was made public.

Given the way you’re talking about your parents and the fact that you’ve only been to their house 20 times since you left 30 years ago in your late teens, it sounds to me as if you have all sorts of issues in your relationship with them and that you’ve just latched on to the tortoise thing rather than facing up to them. In short, this is not about the tortoise.

It's a tortoise that, according to you, you lost interest in age 6. So YABU and I wouldn't even give this headspace.

You're being dramatic

You're how old OP?

I found out my grandpa died as my unsensitive cousin posted it on Facebook before I had been told. I didn’t like that way of finding out - it stung.

This isn't about the tortoise

48, if my abacus serves me right.

The parents had OP in their home for 18 years and the tortoise for 42. OP hasn't expressed any concern/sympathy for her parents at the loss of such a long-lived pet, just annoyance at her mother for "revelling" in the attention.

If I'd managed to keep man or beast going for 42 years, I'd probably want props for that too. .

That's just awful. My parents phoned me to inform me that my grandmother had died. They did text me to tell me both dogs (different times) had died

Yeah, this isn’t about the tortoise.

RIP Cat 🐢

Your parents got engaged? How old were you when this happened?

We're not close but we text/WhatsApp a few times a week. They are both hard of hearing/deaf so find telephone calls stressful.

I live just outside Glasgow. They live near Devon. I hate driving on motorways so when I visit it has to be by train which is expensive, long and stressful. We have met in Birmingham a few times over the years. They go to semi-regular events in Leeds so will sometimes come up to me.

I was 28(?) when they got engaged. They had me when they were both 15! All very scandalous. My mum thinks that unless it's in a church with all the trimmings, it's not a "proper" wedding. Obviously there wasnt much money available for that and I think they also wanted to keep their heads down for a long time and not draw attention to their illegitimate child. Difficult times for them.

In my defence, what is a 6 year old meant to do with a tortoise? 🤣 Especially when she wanted a cat (and named the tortoise Cat).

Im sorry you found out like that. X